I had three boyfriends in two years. The first one lasted for only three months. We were friends first before a relationship started. I told him right from the start that I didn’t want to have shuperu until marriage. He was truthful to me. He told me that would be difficult for him and even if he agrees, he would cheat on me. I told him, “It’s still not wrong if we try. Who knows, it would be easier as time passes. You know, shuperu is not everything. There’s more to love and living it.”

We lasted for three months. He got a new girlfriend. When I caught him he told me, “I said it right from the onset. Love without intimacy can’t work for me. I want physical and emotional connection When it comes to love. I should take something from you that will make me indebted. It’s easier that way.”

The relationship didn’t work but we survived as friends. Nothing was broken. I couldn’t give him just one thing but I could give him friendship and that was ok.

Three months later I found Zed. We dated for a year and a half. It was terrible but I held on to him knowing it would be difficult to find another boyfriend. He himself drummed it into my head that, “It’s hard to find a man who’ll agree to your terms and conditions. Why don’t we at least do it once and see how it goes?”

He agreed not to have shuperu until marriage yet spent every day trying to get me to do it with him.

I tried to create barriers: “We shouldn’t be together in lonely places.” “We shouldn’t talk about topics that will raise our appetite for shuperu.” He broke those barriers. He was the first man to ever send me nudes. Every conversation we had had sex in it. It was becoming overbearing. I wasn’t surprised when I caught him cheating. He had two women on the side. He blamed me for his infidelity. I accepted the blame and walked out of his life.

A few months later, Ade came along. We met on Facebook. Our friendship grew stronger When we realized we lived not too far from each other. We met one evening and the chemistry was apparent. He made me laugh. He opened doors for me when we went on a date. He’ll pull a chair for me and wait until I sit before he sits. Those little things made me fall in love with him. It was easy. I would have proposed to him even if he didn’t.

The day he proposed, I said yes before telling him I wasn’t in for sex. “If you can wait with me, which I know you will, I would be very happy. I don’t want sex to be the reason we are together. I want to test the strength of friendship. I want us to stay open and see how much companionship we can provide for each other. There should be something else that makes us stronger other than sex.”

He agreed with me on all fronts and even added that relationship was not all about sex. “I’ve seen love and have tasted women but here I am, still single. If not having shuperu will make it work, why not?”

I thought we were on the same page until a year later I told him in plain language that I’m a virgin. He was shocked. He asked me, “Since when?” As if one can start being a virgin at any other point in life apart from birth. I told him, “It’s the reason I’m staying away from sex until marriage. I thought you knew.”

He breathed out loudly as if I told him I was pregnant. “What is it about being a virgin that worries you?” I asked him. He answered, “Everything. If I knew you were a virgin, I wouldn’t have started on this journey with you. I don’t like virgins. I don’t want to be the one to teach anyone what to do. If I’m abstaining until marriage, then it should be worth it on our honeymoon. We should do it like we’ve got something we’ve been starved of for years. It should be fun. I don’t want to use my honeymoon to lecture someone on where to put what.”

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After this conversation, everything changed. I had to call him one evening to ask if we were still in a relationship. He told me, “As far as I’m concerned, what we have now is shaky. We better let things go. It won’t work.”

I’m twenty-nine years old. Ade is the only person who accepted to be with me without sex and actually went by his words. He never for once tried to make me change my mind. When I sleep on his sofa and expose some skin, he’ll touch me and say, “Cover up before you lead me into temptation.”

He gave me safety and the opportunity to give my all to the relationship because I saw a future in him. I found a safer place where I can rest my love and look forward to a better future. Then all of a sudden, he’s pulling away from me because I’m not who he thought I was. He’s blaming me for not telling him earlier and I’m asking him what is wrong with being a virgin.

He doesn’t pick up my calls as often as he used to. I have to beg him and even cry before he’ll allow me to visit him. I don’t want to lose him. When I think of losing him to start all over again with someone new, my heart aches. He’s been perfect in a year. He could be perfect for the rest of our days but I’m losing him. What should I do? What should I tell him to restore what we once had?

I haven’t done it before doesn’t mean I know nothing about it. It doesn’t also mean I can’t learn. I’m ready to learn and I’ve told him that. I’m ready to watch videos and learn so I can practice when the day comes. I’ve told him I’ll surprise him on that day. “Ade, you won’t have to teach me anything. I’ll come prepared. I’ll do things, trust me.” His answer was, “It’s important both of us get what we want in the end. I don’t like a virgin because I’m not ready to break one. It’s too much trouble. My friend married one and now he has to beg before he’s allowed his conjugal right, all because his wifee says it’s painful. No, not me.”

In The End, I Had To Choose Between Three Men | Beads Media

He’s judging me wrongly and it hurts. I’m not his friend’s wife. I have energy. God is on my side. What can’t I do? I’m frustrated at this point. My heart is breaking. My world is spinning. If he leaves me, finding someone who’ll truly understand me would be difficult. What should I do? It’s sex we are talking about here, I can’t involve families. How do I explain things to them? That’s why I’m here. Please advise me.

—Enima

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