My ex-boyfriend once asked me, ‘Were you ever assaulted at some point in your life?” I answered, “No. I didn’t have any reason to play around with men so no one had the chance to assault me in any way.” His next question was, “So why are you doing this to me? Am I a bad person? You don’t like me that much? You hate me so much that you won’t have shuperu with me no matter what I do?”

Francis was very good to me so each time he got emotional due to shuperu, it broke my heart. I wanted to do it with him, I had done it with him once and it should have been easier to do it with him again but everything in me fought against the idea of shuperu with him. It wasn’t about me waiting until marriage before shuperu. It wasn’t also about shuperu before marriage being sinful. I just didn’t like it. The last time he succeeded in doing it, he didn’t use force. I agreed to have it with him because I thought he deserved it but immediately I saw his equipment, I started feeling nauseous. He laid on me and I couldn’t hold it any longer. I rushed to the bathroom twice before I could get to the end with him. I told him, “This is my second time trying this and each time I tried, it didn’t go well. I don’t think I would try it again. Never.”

He didn’t leave me. He stayed with me trying very hard to get me to do it again with him. He bought me gifts and took me to fancy places. He even promised me a car and promised he was doing a project and once that project was over, he would marry me. I was honest with him. I told him, “Even if we get married, I don’t think it would be easier. I wish I can be in a relationship with a man and not think about shuperu. I’m all for the companionship but shuperu, no. There’s something about it that my soul hates. The sight of di*cks makes me want to throw up.” 

He asked me to speak to someone about it. He even suggested counselling but I said no I was fine. He felt he could break me but when he realized that he couldn’t, he slowly walked out of my life. I wasn’t bitter. He wasn’t bitter. I could understand his need for shuperu but I wasn’t that girl who could give him that so when the relationship ended, a piece of me was happy for him. “He would find a beautiful girl someday and his need would be met. He’s a nice person and deserves to get what he works for.” 

For close to two years I never dated anyone. At some point, I felt maybe it’s men that repulse me so I thought of trying women. That was even worse. The first girl who made advances toward me put me off right from the start. Actually, I couldn’t see myself doing any of the things she was talking about. She asked me, “Are you a male type of woman who needs a woman or you’re a woman who needs a male type of female?” I didn’t understand her question but it caused me to rethink my situation. I didn’t feel any amorous emotions toward any of the gender. I just wanted to be around the opposite sex without the need for intimacy.

After two years of being out of a relationship, I decided to give it one more shot and see where that would take me. Joe came along. He knew how to have a deeper conversation and was very liberal about life and certain principles. I fell for that hoping he would understand my need for a sexless relationship. I tried to even find a philosophy for it to make it sound cool. He proposed. I told him, “I don’t have a problem dating you but you might have a problem dating me because my idea of dating might conflict with yours.” He asked for details and I told him, “I don’t want shuperu. Everything about intimacy makes me sick. I don’t know why but it is what it is.”

He asked, “Is it religious?” I answered, “No, it’s more about my nature. I don’t even understand myself but I don’t think shuperu is something I want in a relationship.” She asked me, “So when you get married too you won’t have shuperu?” I answered, “I don’t know. Maybe I’d rather stay single than get married and be tormented with shuperu.” He heard all this and still insisted that we should date. I agreed and we started by meeting in town every now and then and having conversations about anything that crossed our minds. 

I visited him one day and he started getting touchy. I tolerated him until it got to a point where he was all over me. I told him, “I want to leave.” He asked, “But we just got here?” I answered, “Yeah I know but I need to go.” He intensified his actions, touching me where I didn’t invite him to touch. I didn’t feel anything. It was like a finger running on the surface of a wood. He tried to kiss and I pushed him away and left his room. Later in the evening, he sent a long message explaining his behaviour and why he couldn’t hold it together when we were together. He promised it wasn’t going to happen again and I accepted his apology. He was filling a space that would be difficult for me to fill so I was very patient with him.

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Each time we talked, he found a way to skew the conversation toward shuperu and the need for us to do it. I was no longer enjoying his conversation. We couldn’t stay on the phone for long because we didn’t have much to say. I learned how to drink alcohol because of him. I was trying to fit in with him and make him believe that I could do everything for him but not sex. He used that as an opportunity to get to me. He would push me to drink beyond my limit so he could have his way with me. I wasn’t born yesterday so my eyes were always opened. One night in his room, he tried to have his way with me and we fought. He thought I was weak because I had drunk a lot. I wasn’t weak. I fought him boot for boot and was able to escape. 

The whole affair was getting dangerous for me so I walked out.

He came to my place often begging for a second chance. I realized no matter the number of chances I give to him, he would keep going the same thing. He was hoping one day I will crack so he takes advantage of that. I wasn’t going to crack because shuperu wasn’t something I was going to allow. Joe wasn’t a bad guy. He did a lot of things to prove that he was a good guy. If I gave him what he wanted, maybe the story would have been different. I couldn’t do that so we broke up. After him, it had been hit and miss. It looks like no man wants to have a relationship without shuperu.

What Would You Do If You Caught Me Cheating On You?–Beads Media

So I’m here asking if it is ever possible to find a man who will love me for who I am now and wouldn’t expect anything in that regard. I’ve tried a lot of guys. They say yes today and tomorrow they want what we agreed not to have. I’m tired of the changing phases. I want something that would last. I’m a good cook, I have a job I’m content with, I’m easy on the eyes and can handle any topic you throw at me, even football. I know how to have fun and I know how to turn a boring situation into fun so why won’t men look at these qualities I bring to the table and forget about shuperu?

–Rachel 

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