When we started seeing each other, we just knew it in our souls that we would someday stand at the altar and vow to become man and wife till death do us part. That silent agreement to navigate life’s highs and lows made us a unified force. Although he is nine years older than me, he always treated me as an equal. I made it easy for him to do that because I have always been mature for my age. 

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They say time is the test of true love. That’s not a statement I can dispute. Time has indeed tested us. We’ve been through thick and thin together. I know that sometimes trauma bonds a couple. However, there are times when it breaks even the strongest love bond. As I am sharing my story, I don’t know the direction of our love story anymore. 

I was 23 and he was 32 when we decided to get married and buy a home. Soon after we moved in, I had a stillbirth. I thought we would face this tragedy together, but my husband turned around and accused me that I, “killed the baby to punish him.” To this day, I don’t know what he meant by that statement. Whenever I bring it up, he denies ever uttering those words. 

It was a dark moment in our lives, and his lack of emotional support felt cruel. It would have broken us, but I sought therapy. It helped put certain things into perspective for me. One of which was that he probably made those utterances out of grief. 

Slowly, I began to heal. I did my best to live, though it was difficult. A few years after that tragic loss, I gave birth to our son at 30 weeks. We stayed in the hospital for a month before coming home. At the time, his mother came to stay with us to help with the baby. Roughly four months after delivery, I found out I was pregnant again.

With my mother-in-law’s help, we navigated this stressful time; however, she had to return to Ghana to take care of some business. I pleaded with my husband to persuade her to stay for a while so she could help with the second baby, but he didn’t do it. The day she left, our daughter was born, also prematurely. I came home from the hospital after staying there for six weeks. 

The physical and emotional toll of resuming the domestic work was a lot for me to bear. Sometimes when I got too overwhelmed, I packed my bags and went to my parents’ place. It helped, but only a little. I even fell into postpartum depression. 

During this time, my husband’s twin brother, who was living with us all along, moved his girlfriend into our home without my consent, and my husband refused to address it. He was paying an agreed amount for rent, but when his girl moved in, I asked that he pay more to cover her expenses. My husband sided with him, and he decided to pay only six hundred dollars for the two of them.

Meanwhile, it was my responsibility to take care of all household expenses, including utility bills and food. This means that an extra person in the home put a strain on my finances. It was even more difficult to handle because I was unable to work. Taking care of two kids close in age didn’t afford me the time to leave the house. So I fell on my savings to take care of my side of the bills. Yes, my husband’s end of the deal was to pay the mortgage. 

The situation became unbearable when his brother’s girlfriend threatened my children, and I stood my ground that they had to leave. Just as they moved out, my husband moved into the guest room. At first, I thought it was because he was starting school and didn’t want us to disturb him. It’s been two years now. He is done with school, but he has not returned to our matrimonial bed. 

Over this period, he has become cold and distant. He doesn’t even touch me. If I try to talk about whatever is going on with him, he would say hurtful things to me. There are times when he told me he is the one paying the mortgage, so he can’t leave the house, and that I should be the one to leave.

His mother came from Ghana to visit us. She spoke to him, but he remained the same. My parents have also spoken to him, but he doesn’t want to listen to them. Even his own sister drove all the way from her faraway home to our house to talk to him. The man still didn’t change. The only person he listens to is his twin brother.

Apart from the emotional distance, the financial burden has fallen squarely on my shoulders. I pay for our children’s daycare, and continue to take care of the utility bills, and all other household expenses, while he contributes little beyond the mortgage. He expects me to cook for him, yet refuses to give me money for the children’s tuition. 

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At first, I thought it was depression, but it’s not. I also know he is not cheating. I wish I knew what exactly his problem is. But how can I know when he barely talks to me?

While he was in school, I also enrolled in an online programme and resumed work. That’s why I took the kids to day care. Now, I have finished my schooling and I am ready to face the world on my own. My heart tells me the marriage will never be what it used to be, so I should leave him. 

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When we first got together, he told me that things had gone cold between him and his ex for one year, no intimacy even, before they broke up. I guess I should have known he would behave toward me the same way. The other day, I sat his twin brother down and told him my plan if his brother doesn’t sit up and fight for our marriage.

My way forward now is to move back to my parents’ house, a temporary retreat while I figure out my next move. I have no idea if this is the right decision, but I know that I cannot continue to hope for a change that is not coming.

—Juana

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