I was on the hospital bed waiting for the doctor who was going to perform a D&C procedure on me. I was scared, but I had no option. Many “what ifs” kept rolling in my head: What if this is the only child for me? What if I don’t wake up after the procedure? What if…

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The doctor walked in with a nurse, but later the nurse walked away. The doctor, a very young man who looked like a baby doctor, looked at me and smiled. The first question I asked was how many years he had been doing it. He smiled again. He said I shouldn’t be scared and that he was very qualified to do the job without any problem.

While preparing to start the procedure, he asked questions. “Are you married?” “Is this your first time?” “Why don’t you want the child?” I took my time to answer his questions honestly, that it was my first time and I didn’t want it because I was not ready. He asked where the man was, and I told him he had abandoned me. He said, “A beautiful woman like you shouldn’t be going through this with a man who doesn’t want you.”

My head swelled, and all of a sudden my fear faded. If he called me beautiful, then he would treat me with care and not break me. I woke up from sedation with pains. He came around again and asked how I was feeling. He took my number and gave me his number. He asked me to call him personally if anything went wrong.

I went home and forgot about him because nothing abnormal happened. He called a week later to ask how I was doing, and then days later to ask if I needed his help, and then his calls became regular until he asked if he could see me again.

We met at a place close to the hospital. He had closed from work and was going home. He asked if I could go home with him, and I said yes. I didn’t know what to expect from him. He had done a procedure on me, so I didn’t think he would like me romantically, but in the car going to his house, every question he asked was about relationships.

He asked if my boyfriend would come back and what I would do if he came back. I was honest with my answers. I’m not the kind of lady who lies. I know what I want most of the time, so my decisions are mostly straightforward and are hardly reversed.

We got to his place. He asked me to feel comfortable. I watched TV while he went to shower. He came back and proposed to me. I saw it coming, but I hoped it was a lie. I answered, “No, that is a lie. How can you possibly be in love with a woman you worked on? Confess, what did you see that day that made you feel attracted to me?”

He said he saw my beauty, and also that talking to me for days had confirmed to him that I wasn’t a bad person. I asked, “Are you sure it’s not because you saw my vagina that day?” He burst out laughing. “I see them every day in different shapes and sizes. That can’t be the reason,” he answered. “Well, maybe mine is the only size and shape that caught your fancy.”

He laughed again and asked me to be serious. I liked him too, but not romantically. So I told him to give me some time to see if he could arouse the romance in me. Honestly, I’ve fallen in too deep and I’m getting drowned. He’s young. He’s caring. He talks to me like I’m fragile and a loud voice would break me. He’s a doctor too. My only problem is the way we met.

If we met somewhere dignified, I would have said yes long ago. I was in bed. He looked through me and fetched what I didn’t want. He’s the only one, apart from my ex, who knows I’ve done an abortion before. How can I date a man who knows something I’m hiding from the world?

In the last conversation we had, I asked him his plans if I said yes, and he told me marriage would be the next step. I asked what if I wasn’t able to bear him a child because of what I went through. He answered, “You’re talking to the doctor who worked on you. You have a healthy womb. Beautiful babies will come from you.”

He said everything right, yet I’m scared he might use my past to judge me when things go south. When I see him, I imagine him getting angry and telling me, “Didn’t I find you in a hospital bed doing the unthinkable? Who do you think you are?”

These words ring in my head and my soul, and I shrink. Even the love I have for him gels up in me, and it’s no longer pretty.

I know my past isn’t pretty, but do you think I may have a beautiful future with such a man, looking at how we met?

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

This is what keeps me awake at night. I’ve said yes to him in spirit. Maybe he knows I will say yes because he’s not even forcing me or pushing it. I visit his place and fall asleep like a baby. He drives me through town in the night and I end up snoring next to him. He does the pretty things to me, so I keep staying close to him. What’s left is my yes—but how do I give it in this situation? Hmmm…

—Nadia

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