I have been carrying this burden for twelve years, always in silence. What finally gave me the courage to speak was reading another man’s story on this page. His account of a wife with a sense of entitlement felt like I was looking into a mirror. I have been married for twelve years now, and we have three children with the oldest being ten years old.

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To be perfectly honest, I married my wife because of her beauty. She was only nineteen then, and I truly believed she was the most beautiful girl in the world. The fear that I would lose her if I delayed, or that someone else would “chop” her before me, was a constant worry in my mind. I had just finished my degree and was doing my national service, surviving on that small NSS allowance. But the fear was stronger than the struggle, and so we married.

For years, I have endured this marriage, but the real trouble started about six years ago. It is as if she now believes she deserves much more than what I am providing. This whole situation has weighed on me so heavily that there have been times I have had thoughts of ending my own life.

The painful irony is that I might be the one who caused this change. After our first child, she suffered from serious spinal and joint pain. We tried everything, even bone setters, but nothing worked. My solution was to register her at a fitness club. The training helped her pain, yes, but it also exposed her to a new circle of people. The woman who came back from that place was different. She became arrogant and disrespectful and started with this habit of subtly comparing me to other men, saying I do not care for her enough or love her properly. Her gratitude vanished, replaced by a sense of entitlement that I cannot seem to satisfy.

The truth is, I entered this marriage unprepared. Just like in that other story, she was an SHS graduate with poor results. I tried to help her; I registered her for NOV/DEC classes. When those results were even worse, I took it upon myself to tutor her. Still, the results were not good.

We finally agreed that trading was the best path for her. We started a roadside business selling Ghana-made sandals. I was fully committed. I would leave the house as early as 5 am to set up the spot for her. She would come and take over around 7:30 am, and then I would go to my own work. We did this for almost three years, and things were good. She was transparent with the money, showing me everything. By God’s grace, we were able to build our own house.

But just one month after we moved in, we were robbed in broad daylight because the house was empty. To prevent this from happening again, I decided to set up a provision shop for her right at home. I invested heavily. I bought a double-decker fridge and a deep freezer and gave her a cash amount of 10,000 Ghc. This was six years ago, my people, not in today’s inflated economy.

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Ever since that shop started, everything changed. My wife has never once told me if the business is making a profit or loss. I have tried to give her ideas because trading is my field, but she will not listen. Her method is to buy one bar of soap, sell it, remove her profit, and then go and buy another single bar. Meanwhile, she could buy ten at once. A proper business does not run out of stock when customers come, but my wife seems to think that if she keeps 10 cedis for 10 years without using it, the value remains the same. Now, she hides everything from me. I do not know the worth of the business, and she always claims she has no money. How can I put more money into a venture shrouded in such secrecy?

This secrecy even extends to her family. Last month, I overheard her phone conversation with her mother. She had sent money and was trying to tell her mother the amount by saying “2, 2, 2,” while her mother, who is illiterate, kept asking, “How much?” Let me be clear, I am not against her helping her family. In fact, if she had told me and the amount was small, I could have added to it. I have done many things for her family from a pure heart, without seeking praise.

I am the one who buys everything in this house, from the roof over our heads to the food we eat, even down to her underwear. I want her business to grow because no one knows tomorrow, but her concealment of finances leaves me pained and disappointed.

The problem is, I am not a man who likes to rant. I keep my troubles to myself and die slowly inside, all because of what people might say. To outsiders, she looks quiet and gentle. But at home, she is more vocal than a cricket, also known as “Tiger.”  For every one word I say, she has ten ready. My other weakness is that my own spirit falls when I see her sad.

Lately, my blood pressure has been giving me serious trouble because of all this emotional stress. Our sex life is almost dead. I am always the one to initiate, and she only agrees when she is in the mood, which means she just lies there like a piece of wood. The sad part is, I never know when that mood will come. She can go for months without sex, and it does not bother her. I am the direct opposite. I cannot go a week without it, but she does not care. This neglect once led me to cheat, something I deeply regret and stopped because it is not in my character. The temptation still comes, but the guilt always holds me back. After four years of this, it is clear to me that her love for me is gone. She is only here for the financial security.

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Now, I am considering travelling abroad for greener pastures. I feel I need to build a safety net for myself and my children because I do not believe my wife will be there for me if I ever fall on hard times. There are times we are both at home, and she will prepare breakfast only for herself, without even asking if I will eat. Mind you, she uses the foodstuffs I bought. Meanwhile, I cannot do the same to her. When I cook, I always call her name and make sure she has a share.

Beyond how she treats me, I am very concerned about our children. She is abusive with them. She is the type who believes children have no feelings. They must agree with everything she says and eat whatever is given to them, even when they desire something else. She is that domineering. I am the complete opposite.

My people, I am tired. I am stressed. I am running out of hope. Please, I need your ideas. What should I do?

—Melvin

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