Last year, I was on the bus travelling when I met her. The journey was short but the standstill traffic made it long. All of us were chuckling, insulting the government and the road workers who had abandoned the work. Buses that tried to overtake us were met with catcalls from our side.

Soon enough everyone was talking to someone, trying to trace whether they were family or not.

She was there too, but quiet.

She had placed an earphone in her ear and was nodding her head to whatever music she was listening to. She was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. She had a huge smile and an aura around her that was irresistible, and it drew me to her. She looked like she was in a relationship because I wondered who wouldn’t love her, but it didn’t deter me from taking her number. So I quietly tapped her and looked into her eyes with the most pleading look ever and asked her to put in her number.

From the bus we became friends.

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Some months later we were in a talking stage while she was still nursing her broken heart, and I was the one she was using. I played the role of Yakubu( Simp) very well.

It may sound weird and like I was crazy, but in reality my likeness, or love for her, was the closest I had come to madness. I understood the situation she was in. If I lost her, it would break me. I had come to yearn for her, so I told her to let me be in the queue. First in the queue, so that when she finally got over Darko, her boyfriend, I would be next in line.

She said okay.

So every time they had issues, she came running to me. We called him my brother.

“Your brother isn’t replying to my texts on time, what do I do?”

I would tell her to relax. She would say she couldn’t relax. I would send her money to get something for herself to calm her down.

“Your brother is talking about breaking up again.”

My heart would jump for joy but my fingers would type, “Oh, not again. What happened?”

I would listen and write an epistle on how to handle it. Then she would return to say they had resolved it, and my heart broke a thousand times.

I cried for a week when my role in her life was over.

So imagine the shock on my face when she texted back to say that I could be her fling.

“She said, you play an important part in my life and I love both of you so stay in my life, please.”

We should not have a name for it, but let’s just go with flow

And I agreed to go with the love. I was not naive. I was in love with her, so it felt like the closest I could get to her boyfriend, and I took the bet.

When she came over and Darko called, I stayed quiet in the background. I couldn’t even move my leg because somehow he might sniff it through the phone. I laid low on the bed while she talked to him with a light in her eyes.

Sometimes I was envious of it all. Especially that light that came on when she was on the call with him or when she was out with him. After all the things I was doing, she still chose to hold on to him.

I took her on dates every weekend. I bought her things just because I saw them and they looked beautiful. I sent money when I could. And in all of this I had a timetable for when I could call and when I couldn’t call. The only time I saw her was when Darko was busy or something.

The truth was that I found I was only hurting myself and breaking my core as a person. No matter what I did, Darko was going to be the one she was going to choose. I knew it. My sisters who knew about the arrangement knew it too, but they let me build my castle in the air. They said if I could dream it then it could be mine.

I think that fuelled my obsession over her.

And the realization came when I broke things off, as if scales were finally being removed from my eyes. The calls and texts stopped coming in. I punished myself by not calling her. The withdrawal was hard. I could be there and just scream at the top of my lungs. It felt like I was going to die.

So I would wake up and run and run.

I was awake by 4:30 am, running around the park over and over again. I didn’t even fear that I could be attacked. All I knew was that I needed to shake my body or else I would go mad. I didn’t take alcohol too, so I relied on Bel Cola. I could drink Bel Cola over and over again.

One morning, after what felt like eternity, I was back to normalcy and went to reread our chats. And it born questions.

Yes, in one way or another she had wanted to use me. But out of it we found love, one we couldn’t keep because she loved her guy so much.

So I’m here because of Cilla.

I want you to know that I have actually blocked you everywhere. Maybe you’re hurting. I was hurt too. But let’s move past this.

The chapter where you used me as the Yakubu is over and done with. I tried. You know that. And I really don’t want to go back there, that dark place where I felt I could unvalue myself.

Maybe in another life we will meet again, not to repeat this story but to start a completely different one. One that breathes easier. One that is not standing by the roadside, watching something that can never truly stop for it.

 

Maybe we won’t be lovers. Maybe we will just be two people who once crossed each other’s paths and can smile about it without the weight that followed us.

I still think of you sometimes. When your name comes to mind, I just whisper it quietly and say I’m sorry.

 

—Yakubu

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