If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

Before we got married, something terrible happened. I should state that I had two jobs; the restaurant job and another one. I was on my way home from my other job when Ben called me. “Babe, I am going to deliver a car to a client. I am going with my best friend.” This was not new to me. Usually, they travel long distances to do these deliveries. They either return late at night or the next day. This time around he said they would return the next day.

I was happy to know that I would have the house to myself all night. “I will just lie in bed and be on my phone till I fall asleep. I won’t cook anything tonight,” I planned. I was in the bathroom around 10 pm when I heard someone opening our door. I peeped through the bathroom door and saw that it was him. It was too soon for him to be home. “Didn’t you go?” I asked. He had a fallen look on his face as he said, “We did but we had to return.” I was concerned, “Why? What happened?” For a while, he couldn’t say a word.

When he finally spoke he said, “I am about to tell you something. I don’t want you to ask any questions. Don’t scream or have an emotional reaction, do you understand?” At this point, I didn’t even know if I was allowed to speak so I nodded. The next thing that came out of his mouth was, “James is gone.” I opened my mouth in shock. I would have screamed if he hadn’t already warned me not to do that. How was he even so calm? James was his first son. I had a lot of questions but I promised I wouldn’t ask questions so I swallowed every single one of them.

Due to the vast age gap between us, sometimes I am not able to impose my presence on him. When he said he wanted to be left alone, I understood him and let him be. I knew he was sad but I didn’t know how best to help him. The most confusing aspect for me was the fact that it happened a week to our wedding. I didn’t know if I should postpone the wedding, call it off, or carry on as planned. He was not communicating his needs to me so I had no idea how to handle the situation.

I was at work when he texted me asking about the date of our wedding. I told him I pushed it back two weeks. I hadn’t but I expected him to use that opportunity to tell me what we should really do. All he said was, “That’s okay.” After that conversation, I emailed the officiant about the change in plans.

When the time came, we got married without a hitch. After a week of our marriage, he took off his ring. His excuse was, “I don’t want people to see that I got married while my son died recently.” I understood him.

Two months into the marriage, Ben became a completely different person. He wouldn’t communicate like he used to. I would cook and he would tell me, “I am watching my diet these days.” So I even stopped cooking at some point. He would leave the house and not return till the next morning. No kisses. No touch. He even stopped calling me “babe”. There was no romance in the marriage. We no longer went on dates.

I sat him down and asked what was going on. This man told me point blank, “I have lost interest in the marriage.” He said I should have called off the wedding when he lost his son but I prioritized my selfish desires over his well-being. “You didn’t even give me space to properly mourn my child before you thrust me into this marriage,” he ranted.

I accepted my wrong and apologized for the hurt I caused him. Then I explained that I didn’t know what to do because he didn’t tell me what he wanted. “People grieve differently so I was waiting for you to tell me if we should cancel our plans or proceed.” Since then, there has been no peace in the marriage. Every little thing that happens, he would bring up the same reasons for which he lost interest in the marriage. He says he has disrespected his son, and he has been having weird dreams about him among other things.

I have never lost any close relatives before, so I don’t understand what he is going through. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand why he is taking his grief out on me. His behaviour has made me regret this whole marriage.

The reason for which we got married hasn’t even been fulfilled. He brought the forms for me to fill out and sign. After submitting it to the immigration guy, he told me his PR (permanent resident) had expired. I applied for a new one for him. He received the new one. All he needs to add is his tax documents so the guy can start the application. Now, this man is telling me he thinks I came into his life because of papers. “I don’t want you to become my responsibility,” he said.

Meanwhile, I don’t get paid any more for the work I do at his restaurant. He is struggling financially. He owes a lot of people so I am even the one who helps him to cut costs. That’s why it hurt when he said I was only with him for papers. I cried the whole day after he told me that.

Because he hasn’t been able to pay the bills on the MasterCard I took for him, my credit score has gone down. The card is currently maxed out. If he doesn’t pay it, it becomes my debt. He had two restaurants but he lost one due to debts. Life has been hell after marriage.

My husband doesn’t sleep at home regularly. When we have intimacy, he always pulls out. He says he doesn’t want us to have kids until we are financially sound. He made this decision without consulting me. Right now, I am still in school so childbirth is the least of my concerns. Regardless, shouldn’t we talk about it?

Whenever I complain about our problems he tells me, “Forget about me and focus on yourself. As for me, I am a grown man who is struggling financially. I don’t want to involve you in my problems.” But when he sees me crying, he would comfort me and talk about all the ways he loves me. “I just don’t like the way this whole marriage thing happened,” he would say. He says the financial stress is also responsible for his behaviour.

I know he is going through a lot so I try my best to understand him. However, he is indecisive about what he wants. One moment he is professing his undying love for me. The next moment, he is ignoring me as if I don’t exist. It’s confusing when that happens.

Despite all our problems, he is still a good man. He still buys me presents. He pays the phone bills. We are married now so I don’t pay rent anymore. I started my new school not long ago. He asked me to take money from the restaurant every day and save it for my fees. He is doing all this but he is very distant in the marriage. I cry every day because of the emotional neglect. I have lost weight.

I cannot tell my parents that my marriage is collapsing. They will be worried. Apart from Ben’s close friends and the workers, no one else knows he is married. I used our wedding pictures as my wallpaper and he got angry. I am not even allowed to post it on my status. I asked if ours was a secret marriage and he said, “Of course not. My son and two of my siblings know about you.” I have never spoken to them before so I don’t know if he is telling the truth.

The original plan was for us to properly get married six months after the first one. When I took the marriage list from my dad and gave it to him he got angry, “Why won’t you allow me to mourn my dead?” I have gotten to a point where I am tired of complaining about his behaviour. Now, he makes me feel like he is doing me a favour by being with me. He tells me I don’t contribute anything to his house. Meanwhile, this man uses me as if he owns my life.

I hardly have time for myself. I am always working at the restaurant, and running errands to buy stuff. He calls me more than ten times a day to tell me to do this and that for him. I am so tired that I have decided to apply for a divorce without telling my parents.

My only concern is what the people close to us would say if I leave him. I am also worried that he won’t pay the bills on the card if I leave him, and it would become my debt to pay. Also, I now work at the restaurant full time so I won’t be able to afford rent if I move out.

READ ALSO: I Found The Man Of My Dreams When I Left The Shores Of Ghana

I have started searching for a new job. I am hoping I get something that pays well so that I would be able to save something up for my rent, and still be able to pay my fees. Once I get it, I will start the divorce process. I found out he is cheating on me so I have grounds to divorce him. He told me he was going to visit his father during this past Christmas holidays. He ended up with his girlfriend. He doesn’t know that I know. All he knows is that I am tired of the marriage and I am about to leave him.

He is telling me not to leave. “I love you. I just want us to start afresh so that we can erase the interference from my son’s demise,” he says. I hear him alright, but I don’t trust him anymore. I have extended my study permit with my new school’s payment plan. If I knew that was an option, I wouldn’t have married him when I did. I would have waited till I got to know him better.

I Discovered He Had Another Woman But I Couldn’t Leave Him

Now that I have seen what marriage to him has to offer me, I want to leave and start all over again. I have wasted my resources on him for a whole year yet he is the one who thinks I married him for benefits. Honestly, I don’t know if this is who he is or if it is his son’s death and his financial problems that have made him like this.

I know that every marriage faces challenges. That’s why I need a second opinion before I carry on with my plans. Should I leave now and save myself from more disappointments in the future, or I should give him more time to come around? I am in my thirties. I still have my life ahead of me. I don’t want to rob myself of the opportunity to have a peaceful and happy family while I still can.

—Jess

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