I’m five years younger than her. It was her problem right from the start but I assured her it wasn’t a problem for me. She asked, “Don’t I look like your mother?” I answered, “It’s only five years. How can you look like my mother?” She said, “I’m not talking about you. You’re in love so you’ll definitely see me in a fine light. How about others? Your family, friends and acquaintances. What would you do when they start teasing you that you’re dating your mother?”
It was like an interview session. Every answer I gave brought out another question. I told her, “Mansa, relax. This is love. Whoever has been in love before will understand. Why care about the outside when the inside is very fine? I love you and I mean it, age regardless.”
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy convincing her to look beyond the elephant in the room but I was ready to go all the way to prove to her that I was capable of loving a woman older than me.
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It was nice at first until we started having arguments and disagreements. While I wanted us to argue by logic, she wanted to use age to settle every argument; “I’m older than you. Keep quiet over there.” Or “I’ve experienced five more harmattan seasons than you, you ought to respect the experience.” Once she says that, she expects you to bow to her order and not say anything else
I didn’t want to fight with her. All I wanted was to be heard. To be counted where it mattered most and also look at me for who I am and not my age. This woman wasn’t ready to do that so we fought often. I remember one night during sex. This girl pushed me off her and screamed at me, “What did you drink that you want to come and kill me? I’m older than you. Respect the age and not try to break my waist to pieces.”
It was in her room so she told me to leave and close the door because she had had enough of me. I couldn’t disobey her. She behaved like an army general in the relationship all because of her age.
We agreed we were never going to talk about our age difference anywhere but you know, I talked about it with my dad, to test his acceptance of us. He didn’t mind. He urged me to go on with it if I only loved her. The day I introduced her to my parents, my dad said, “Oh this woman doesn’t look like she’s five years older than you.” Right there, this girl gave me a knock on my head bam! and asked, “Why did you tell him?” She laughed to musk the seriousness of the knock so I also laughed along so my dad would know it was just a play.
My head was aching. I wanted to scratch where she knocked but I couldn’t because I was acting cool. When we left, I told her it was over. “How can you knock me in front of my father? Are you sane at all?”
For the first time in our relationship, she begged me and pleaded for forgiveness. I forgave her but my dad was like, “No, Ato, you can’t handle this woman. You’re my son, listen to me. That knock looks like a knock that would live inside your relationship for a very long time. No, think about another girl. This won’t help.”
I listened to my dad and walked away.
I Haven’t Done It With A Married Woman Before | Story Board
I think it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. I knew she wasn’t good for me. I saw the red flags but I needed someone to confirm to me that they were indeed red and my dad did just that. Age doesn’t matter but it matters where it ought to matter. True love is ageless but if you meet the one who wears his or her age like a badge of honor, you’re doomed. Mansa would have beaten me one day if we got married. She was thicker than I was and also taller so you can imagine.
—Ato
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You did right. Irrespective of her being older she should have given you respect, and allowed you to express yourself. A partner who uses age as a means of demeaning someone is no good partner. When it comes to relationships age does not matter. What matters is mutual respect, open mindedness,tolerance etc. If you don’t have these then say good bye to such relationships.
Good women are usually snapped off the market fast. Many men are suppose to marry hypogamously in terms of age, education and social class because many women on the upper side feel superior. In many cases of the woman having any of the above attributes in a relationship, the voice of the man is never heard. You are supposed to marry a girl at most five years younger than you and not as in the case of Mansa. Apart from her age, I think she has ego issues. How can a lover push you off her during sex when you no come yet and lock you out of her room? If you had made the mistake of putting a ring on her finger, that will have been like a nozzle on your nose. You dodged a bullet fast.
I had to do a quick check on hypogamy! We learn everyday, right? But who made the law that the woman in a relationship should be “at most 5 years younger”? What works for you may not necessarily work for me. Such stereotyping tends to cloud the most important objective of a relationship, which is that both parties should derive additional emotional benefit. If you genuinely love someone you are as interested in giving as in taking. I struggle to see how age features here. Such societal stereotyping robs people of potentially beautiful relationships because the rest of us insist that they should conform to what we want.
Her conduct was reprehensible and would have remained so even if she were the man in the relationship.
Sammy, it’s an observed fact of life. Women tend to age faster due to the burden of child birth which conveniently is better done earlier. The older men because they have worked a few years longer are more economically capable to provide for a woman and her babies. Most women who have not married early and have had work opportunity become economically independent and tend not to see the extra value a man brings into their life. You are right that mutual respect on a relationship is what is required. And if two individuals who do not feel constrained by this societal stereotyping are willing to love and respect each other, the relationship will work. But reality is that most societies now place value on individuals especially men based on their economic contribution. Read on this platform how many women are not feeling the initial love for their male partners after their economic value dip? I seek to bring facts, social and physiological realities to bear on this platform. Some of you may preach utopian but we all know no utopian society exist on planet earth.
I don’t really agree to the the idea that a man should marry a lady who is five years younger than he is. If the woman is older but gives you the respect as a man and honors you as the head(in marriage) or as a partner in a relationship, then age shouldn’t really be a problem. As long as there is mutual respect, then you’re good to go
I agree with you. Mutual respect is what is needed. But what are the needs of majority women in a relationship? Provision and protection, this has always been the evolutionary purpose of males in nature. And this is what gains the respect of mist women. How can a man give protection and provision? By strength and experience. Can a man who starts puberty at 15-17 provide it for a woman who started puberty at 10-12? Because we live in a modern society with substitute for many past needs has not taken away the ingrained expectations of thousands of years of evolution. That is what still plays out everyday in our lives.