My wedding should have happened in February this year, but it didn’t. To me, it’s over. I’m no longer going to marry him, but to my family and his family, what we are going through is just a phase. They say I should let it go because we’ve come too far to allow this to destroy us. When he had the chance to apologize, he said he loved me too much to let anything come between us.

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I responded, “I told you everything before this relationship started, didn’t I? I told you the kind of man I didn’t want, and you were clear to me that you were not that kind of man. So if you end up being that kind of man, then definitely I shouldn’t go on with the marriage.”

My pastor, who was doing the premarital counseling for us, called the two of us and sat us down. I was clear in my words and in my mind that I wouldn’t want to go on with the marriage because such a lie was unforgivable. He asked me, “Before God and man, do you think that’s the worst lie to be told, for it to destroy your plans to marry Eric?”

Eric and I dated for a year before we decided to get married. The idea of marriage was mine because, right from the start of the relationship, I told him I wouldn’t like to date for more than a year. It was conditional. “If you don’t see yourself marrying within a year, then we don’t have to start this relationship,” I said. He answered, “I’m ready. I’ve been ready even before we met.”

I took his word for it and gave him my heart fully. I was watching him love me the way every man would love a woman, but I was also scared we wouldn’t meet our target of getting married within a year. I took him home first before he did the same. While in his house, his mother asked him if he had told me about Baaba, and he quickly changed the topic.

When we left, I asked who Baaba was, but he changed the topic again. Later, he told me Baaba was a memory he wanted to forget. She was the woman his parents wanted him to marry, but he never liked her and didn’t want anything to do with her. I asked, “Is that the full story?” He nodded and said, “Let’s not talk about bad things. There are so many good things going on in our lives. Let’s focus on that.”

We went through counseling and fixed a date for our wedding. We wanted a garden-themed wedding, so we decided to do a pre-wedding photoshoot at Aburi Gardens.

Everything was going well until Eric started acting strange and jittery. He couldn’t smile when he needed to. His eyes were constantly scanning the environment. I asked if he was shy of the people around. He said no. I asked if he was tense. He said no. “So what is it?”

He said he needed a break to get us some water. I said fine. There was urgency in the way he walked. He kept looking over his shoulder as if he was running from someone. I thought, “What’s wrong with this guy?”

He hadn’t even disappeared from view when a lady approached me while I was posing for the photographer. She didn’t let me finish. She asked, “Is that Eric? I can see you’re both wearing matching outfits. Is this a movie set, or is it real?”

I asked who she was, and she said, “My name is Baaba.” She must have noticed the change in my expression and asked, “Has he told you about me?” I didn’t say a word. I could tell there was more to the story than what he had told me. I wanted her to explain.

She said she had a son with Eric, and since the child was born, Eric had disappeared. He hardly picked up her calls, never sent anything, and she hadn’t seen him for over two years. I said, “Did you see him? He’s gone to get water. He’ll be back soon.”

She laughed. “He’s not coming back once I’m here with you. He saw me first and thought I didn’t see him that’s why he ran.”

I looked at the photographer, and he looked back at me. I called Eric and asked where he was. He said he was at the car park and told us to abandon the shoot and leave. I said, “Baaba is here. Did you see her?” He answered, “Let’s just leave. We’ll talk about it later.”

True to his words, he didn’t come back. As we were leaving, Baaba asked when the wedding would take place so she could attend. She followed us toward the car park until the photographer stopped her. It would have turned into a scene.

I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want a man with children. I should have paid attention when he asked, “Even if you love him with all your soul?” I answered, “I wouldn’t love him if I knew he had children.”

His explanation was that he loved me too much to lose me, which is why he didn’t tell me. Everyone wanted us to go ahead with the wedding, but I said no. The pastor said it wasn’t the worst lie ever told and that we could salvage the relationship. He gave us three months to work things out.

While we were going back and forth, I found out I was pregnant. I had called off the wedding, only to discover I was pregnant for the same person I was running from. I cried myself to sleep that night. “How am I going to explain this? Should I go ahead with the marriage because of this? I don’t want a man with children, but will another man want me if I have a child and don’t marry the father?”

It took me three days to decide what to do. I didn’t tell him. After several phone calls, I got medication delivered to my doorstep. I took it as prescribed. A few days later, it was over. It became part of the story—the most painful part.

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We are still standing at the edge of what was supposed to be our wedding. Everyone believes we can revive it. Eric thinks I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s the way I found out. The fact that it took our pre-wedding shoot for me to discover something so important took the wind out of my sails.

I’m not going back. I’ll live with what remains, the shadow of my mistake, rather than make a bigger mistake with a marriage that is supposed to last a lifetime.

—Ellen 

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