I am a hard girl. Or at least, I used to be. No matter how handsome or charming a guy is, you will not find me falling in love with them. I won’t even have a little crush on them. I convinced myself that I was immune to heartbreak because I would never fall in love. Because of this, I never troubled myself with relationships or men. I just lived my life happily as a single woman.

Then came this guy I met on Facebook a year ago. He was not in Ghana at the time we started communicating. There wasn’t anything profound about our conversations. He would just text me, “Hello, how are you doing? Just checking up on you.” I would respond and we would have small talk. This continued from time to time until he made a trip to Ghana in February this year.

It was when he arrived in the country that things picked up between us. Our chats became more frequent. This time we had actual conversations. He would ask questions like, “How was your day?” Or “What are you doing?” Or “What are your plans this weekend?” And we would then proceed to talk deeply about my life and his life. I really liked his vibes.

For the first time in my life, a man tickled my fancy. I didn’t believe it could ever happen but here I was, shamelessly falling in love with a man I had not met yet. I told myself it was the whole mystery of not seeing him that I was in love with, not the man himself. However, when we finally saw each other for the first time in April, I realized I was wrong.

It felt so good to meet him. This guy was so amazing. I spent years believing I was dead inside but he awakened something inside me. I didn’t need to be told that what he awoken in me is love. How does one fall in love so hard and so fast? Funny enough, he didn’t do anything special to make me happy. He was just himself, and that worked. In a world where people are wearing masks and parading as something they are not, it is rare to find someone who can completely be themselves. It is also an attractive trait.

As icy and stone-cold as I believed my heart was, I found it hilarious when I started picturing my future with him. What made it more interesting is that we were on the same page. He too envisioned his future with me in it. We were talking about meeting each other’s families to discuss marriage plans. Everything was going according to plan until this June when we went to the hospital to run some blood tests.

Unfortunately, we checked our genotypes and found out that we are both AS. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. He also didn’t take the news well. “There has to be a way around it,” he said, “After all, we are in the age of information. I am sure there is a solution online we are yet to discover.” I admired him for his ability to hold onto hope in such a situation.

I joined my efforts with his and we spent days researching ways two people with AS can stay together and have kids who wouldn’t have sickle cell. It was a pointless thing to do, we knew this. But we also wanted to know that we didn’t just give up. I suppose a part of us just wanted to ensure that we tried everything to stay together. We read medical journals in search of answers but at the end of the day, we accepted that the risks are too high. We can’t stay together if we want kids.

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Of course, I want kids. He wants kids too. So we agreed to take a step back from the relationship. The best thing to do is break up but the thought of that is too painful to bear. So we are rather on an indefinite break. Even with that, I am broken into a million pieces.

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From dawn to dusk, his thoughts run endlessly in my mind. I imagine him smiling and I smile. I think of him entertaining the company of another girl and I am filled with rage. I know I should let him go but I don’t know if I can feel this deeply about anyone else. I doubt the human heart can withstand loving more than one person in a lifetime the way I love him.

My heart was frozen and unyielding to love until he came along. And I thought I was finally going to have my happy ending but our genotype messed everything up. I need suggestions on how I can heal from this heartbreak. I want to find the strength to move on. Or maybe I just need some words of encouragement so I wouldn’t lose my mind. It’s been so hard for me.

—Fegs

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