The first day Kobby took me home to meet his mother was the day I should have removed my slippers and taken to my heels. That very day, I got a glimpse of the kind of woman I would have to deal with as a mother-in-law. I also got to see how much my boyfriend feared his mother. All these were red flags but some of us know how love turns us into the kind of people who fight to belong where we are not accepted. When Kobby told dear old mum that I was his girlfriend, she didn’t say anything to me. I greeted her but she didn’t respond. She didn’t even spare me a glance. She just sat quietly for a few seconds and then said, “Kobby, I will see you tomorrow.” After that, she went inside and locked her door.
When this happened my boyfriend smiled sheepishly and said, “Mummy can be difficult sometimes.” This man was forty at the time yet he sounded like an eighteen-year-old boy who would jump to touch the clouds because his mother required it. When I went home and told my father what happened he said, “For his mother to be rude to you the very first day she met you is not a good thing. And the fact that your man is afraid of his mother at his age is a sign of trouble. Leave him. Someone more worthy will come along.” Did I listen to my dad?
The answer is no. I spent the next five months sucking up to Kobby’s mother. I sent her gifts consistently until she eventually opened up a little to the idea of me. That was another mistake I made. Yes, by doing that I set the precedent of always bowing to her. I met Kobby in 2018 and in May 2019 we were married. Everyday after the marriage, I call my mother-in-law to greet her. On a day I don’t call her she would call me and say, “This is how you people behave. When I finally allowed you to marry my son you stopped caring about me.” That’s even the least of it. Every morning she tells me what to cook for dinner at home. It’s either that or she would tell me to come to her house with my husband to eat.
Initially, I thought she was doing all that because she cared. However, it got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. But my husband wouldn’t let me back out of it. If I tell him, “I am too tired to go to your mother’s place to eat. Let’s just stay at home where we have enough food,” my husband would respond, “You know Mummy will get angry if we disappoint her so let’s just go.” It was at this point that I started seeing clearly what my father warned me about. If we dare go a day without updating Kobby’s mother or sister about our lives, they would get angry.
I am a doctor while my man is an engineer. We don’t struggle too hard to do things with money. Sometimes we pull our resources together to make things easier. Can you believe Kobby seeks his people’s approval before we make any expenses? If we don’t tell them before, Kobby will call them after we have made said expenses. We would agree to keep things between the two of us, but the next thing I know, my husband is on a conference call with his mother and sister giving them gist.
In 2022, I discussed with my husband that I would like to change my car. I decided to go for a CR-V and he agreed with me. The next thing I knew, my husband was suggesting another car for me. When I asked why he said, “Lois said the CR-V is mostly for men.” To say that I was angry is an understatement. I screamed at him, “You just turned 43 for crying out loud. Can’t you be a man for once? Must your mum and sister know everything about our home? Or do you think you are the only one close to your parents and sibling? You saw how I was with my parents and brothers before we got married, yet have you ever heard me discuss any of our issues with them? Stop being a child. You are 43, not 13.”
Out of anger, the next day I told him if he wouldn’t change then I was done with the marriage. This guy said, “That’s fine with me. You cannot come between me and my family.” I tried to explain to him that I just want our marriage to have some privacy. But he refused to listen. At that time our marriage was three years old, but we didn’t have any children because his sister said it was too early for kids. Meanwhile, Kobby was 40 while I was 30 when we got married. We both had stable jobs yet according to Lois’ timetable, it was too early.
I remember packing my stuff and going to my parents’ house that morning. My dad said, “Helena, why are you crying? I told you this is what will happen. You married a boy.” The more time I spent with my parents, the more I realised how much Kobby’s mother and sister controlled and manipulated me. I was angry at myself for walking into a red flag. My mum is a retired doctor and psychologist so she talked to me and I felt a little better. When I returned home to my husband, I started feeling sick. That was when I found out I was pregnant.
Even when I was due for delivery, my husband came to tell me, “Mummy says you should not give birth at the facility you work at.” I just got up and told him, “Tell her when her daughter gets pregnant she should make such decisions.” All hell broke loose when I said that. “How dare you say that about my mum and sister? No wonder Mummy says I shouldn’t have married you.” This only fuelled my anger, “If your sister was married, do you think she would come and be discussing everything in her home with you? I don’t blame you your sister or mum. If your mum ever got married, she’ll understand how marriage works. It’s my mistake for marrying a boy who wants to stay married to his sister and mother.” Things escalated further after that.
He said everything he could to hurt me but I was at a place where his words could not hurt me. The next day his mum called to insult me on all their behalves. The entire time she was talking I said nothing. When I got tired of listening to her I hung up. Last year in September, I gave birth to two beautiful twins; a boy and a girl. When they came to see the babies, the first thing my mother-in-law said was: “My babies, you are mine and no one else’s.” It didn’t go down well with me but I kept my cool.
The next thing she said was, “I have their names already. I hope Kobby told you.” There and then I responded, “No, he can’t tell me that. The kids are mine and his so we will choose their names.” By the time I was done, Kobby was sweating.
He Woke Me Up At 2 am And Asked Me To Go To My Mother’s House
Now the issue is, that she hasn’t backed off completely. She calls Kobby every day to get updates on the babies. And when she does, she would call whoever is available to listen and tell them all about the twins. “All my son does is buy toys for the babies. If you enter their room, it looks like a baby boutique,” I overheard her telling one distant relative of hers.
The day we had circumcision for the boy, everyone was calling to give a bit of advice on how to treat the wound. This is all because my mother-in-law told them. She’s all over the place and spreading our issues, especially my newborns’. My husband thinks she does that because she cares, but I don’t like it.
What can I do to make my husband keep our home issues private? Our marriage is currently five years old but nothing has changed. Or I’m wrong to ask for privacy from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law?
—Helena
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#SB
Honestly, I’m even angry on your behalf. I can’t see myself being controlled and manipulated like you and your husband, no, no way. You really have patience because if it was me, I’d be out of the door. I guess you love him that much to tolerate all the craziness.
Invite your your parents or someone he respect to talk to him or you also should start inviting him to you your parents place so he can learn from your side
For the naming stand on your ground
You are right besides this is not a physical issue. Even if you bring in pope Francis things will still be the same. The world is not the way we see it. It is ruled by Satan the bible even said so. The way to victory is to declare that Jesus is the Lord over your household. Meaning your prayers should be tough. In this life if you know who your are fighting with then you would also know how to fight him or her well. Don’t take things for granted they want you to divorce your husband by frustrating you through him . The only way is seal the way they pass to frustrate you. All in all let your prayers be more. Change will come. Jesus even told us what ever we ask in his name will be given to us. Tell all your problems to Jesus not man for man can’t do anything to help for all you may know the one you are saying your problems to is the source of it. Good luck.
He’s really jon
It’s not normal, pray about it a lot. You should also try not to accept everything they push your way ( like the names for the twins). It’s between you and your husband, so if you have any reservations about the choice of names, you have to voice it out.
Moving forward, since you know he’ll update his mum on everything and she’ll also not keep it to herself, learn to keep some of the things away from him.
Your in-laws are your family too, they can make suggestions but you’re not under any obligation to accept whatever they say.
If your husband can’t be man enough to run your marriage and family, then you have to step up and keep your foot grounded in the things that will make your nuclear family thrive. It won’t be easy, but worth it
All the best, and don’t forget that prayer is the key.
You see in Africa, everything is caused by witches and wizards and the only way we can overcome it is through prayers. Sometimes let’s use our brains small…..stand your ground and ensure you only decide the names of the babies .if you ask for your husband’s input,he will go his mum for the names she has prepared for them and still control from that side.
Be firm going forward and ignore your husband. Also start inviting him to your parents place as well so he also feels what he is taking you through.
Don’t be afraid to walk away with the kids from the marriage license f he continues to be a “jon” I believe you can take very good care of the kids even without his input.
Such nonsense sometimes need physical confrontation!!!!
You’re even stronger than him. I love the fact that you stand on what you think it’s right.
Wake him up one dawn and give him a hot slap.
What sort of baby stuff is this.
Why are you so worried? Whenever he tells you what the mother or sister wants you to do you just tell him what your father and brother wants you to do on the same subject and see his reaction. I bet you he won’t like it , though!
It is the father that names the child. Culturally and Biblically. I will presume as much in Islam though I am not sure. That said, I agree with you that your husband is too programmed to swallow everything that his mother says, hook line and sinker. How do we deprogram years of indoctrination and habits? Doing it alone will not work as your efforts have shown! Get his close nonfamily acquaintances involved especially those he respects. They can approach it from a neutral position and not condemn him for who he is. I feel your frustration, but marriage is the foremost negotiation table. Give some to take some. At the end of the day you must be both winners. Keep your eyes on the prize and any distractions at bay. Best of luck!