I’ve known him since childhood. He was in SHS while I was in JHS. We attended the same church. And I was among one of the many people in the church who admired his devotion to the church. Stephan was also very dedicated to his books. When he wrote his WASSCE, he came out top of his class. One could say I was his secret admirer, seeing as we were not friends but I managed to keep track of his progress through life. 

By the time I went to SHS he was in the polytechnic. We still weren’t friends then. In my third year, I started going out with one of my schoolmates. This guy was in his second year but he lied that we were in the same year group. It was during the WASSCE exams that he came clean. By then I was very much in love with him. So I forgave his lie. We dated till he completed SHS. That was when he called me “Nana we need to talk.” We all know that nothing ever comes out of “We need to talk.” I braced myself for the worst when I said; “You know you can tell me anything. So feel free to express yourself.” He paused for a while, “You know that I care very much about you right? And I feel I owe you the truth. Lately, I have been thinking that I need to take a break from relationships.” As if my heart was not torn apart by his speech I asked, “Did I do something to bring you to this conclusion?” He replied with the cliché of clichés “No no no it’s not you, it’s me. I promise you this, if I get to a place where I want to be in a relationship again, I’ll call you.” 

It was my first heartbreak with my first love. To spare you the details, let me just state that I lost weight to the point where people began to talk. My mother, who was so concerned asked, “Why are you losing weight like this? Did you have an abortion?” This happened in 2015. It was not easy but I went through it, and with time I healed. After I got better I stayed away from relationships for three years. 

In 2018, I completed Nursing Training College and became a committed member of my church. The church was my second home as well as Stephan’s. Soon we started running in the same circle. Our youth group met after every church service and went to food joints to eat together. That’s how Stephan and I finally got the opportunity to become friends. 

I was twenty-two then and he is four years older than me. From the way he behaved, I deduced that he had never been in a relationship. He often spoke about his big ambitions. And I grew fond of him because of it. I wanted him to be positively impacted by him so I let myself get close to him. In a way that would be considered as “Aho shish3”, which means I was all over him. As time went on I started catching feelings for him and I hoped he felt the same way about me. One day we were talking when he said “There is something I need to tell you.” That statement filled me with excitement. I thought “This is it. He is finally going to tell me he likes me.” He sounded nervous, “There is this girl I like but I don’t know how to propose to her. Can you help me?” I tried not to sound too excited, “I think you should just say it. She probably feels the same way about you. Out of curiosity, is she someone I know?” 

That day my hopes were dashed as I listened to Stephan describe his crush in great detail. She was a teenage girl who lived in his neighbourhood. The moment he mentioned the girl’s age I was outraged; “A teenager? At your age? Do you want to date a teenager? No way I’m allowing that.” He didn’t see anything wrong with it. But I told him it was wrong and he could even go to jail. I didn’t let the matter rest until I heard him say, “I will control my feelings for her. I won’t shoot my shot.” Unfortunately, it didn’t end there. He couldn’t be with her but he still felt strongly about her. I tried to be a good friend and gave him a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. And he was a babbling mess. He spoke about this girl day and night. And every time he did, a little piece of my heart broke. 

At a point, he relocated to a new neighbourhood. I thought the distance would put her out of his mind but I was wrong. I was going through his phone one day when I saw that the girl had visited him and she took photos with his phone. That day I got mad and told him he was hurting me with his obsession with the girl. Through my outburst, I told him “I am in love with you. Are you so blinded by your feelings for that small girl that you can’t see it?” After my confession, I stormed off. He came after me bearing a bouquet of apologies; I am sorry. I’m an idiot. How could I not have known? I promise you won’t hear me speak of her again.” I accepted his apology and things became easier after that. 

One thing led to another and we started dating. His first time was with me. After the encounter, he became attached to me. Our relationship progressed as a normal relationship should. His family knows that we are together. I started working before he did. This revealed a lot about his character and his relationship with money. We hardly go out on dates. Most of the time we spend together is indoors. If I manage to persuade him to take me out he would complain about the money the entire time. It was worse when he was working as a NABCO person. Sometimes their allowance was delayed so he would budget his money to the last coin. If something came up that was outside his budget, he wouldn’t make a compromise. 

I live alone so he spends a lot of time at my place. I’d stock my house with food and he eats his fill without offering to contribute financially toward housekeeping. The time he spends at my house increases my utility bills and he knows this. But he never offered to help me pay my bills. I remember one time I took a loan of GHC300 from him and promised to pay it back at the end of the month. When the month ended my salary was delayed. I couldn’t pay him back as promised. My boyfriend asked me for the money relentlessly as if I was going to run away with his money. When my salary finally got paid, I repaid part of his money. I told him to give me some time to pay the balance of GHC100. He didn’t agree to that arrangement. He harassed me until I repaid everything. 

I wasn’t happy about the way he went about things but I made excuses for him; “He behaved that way because he is broke. I’m sure he will change when he gets a good job. After all, he is helpful in his own way. He runs errands for me when I’m busy. He helps me wash dishes and does my laundry too. And he is not quick to anger, a quality I find very admirable.” Not long after the loan incident, I needed money for something urgently. I asked him to use an app he uses for loans to help me get a loan. He said, “I can’t do that. I already took a loan using the app.” When I asked what he used the money for,  he told me, “One of the women in the church needed money to pay his child’s school fees. So I borrowed money from the app and added my money to it and gave it to her.” 

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I couldn’t believe that someone who harassed me to repay GHC100 would go the extra mile to help someone in need. I understand that his heart was in a good place but I was hurt regardless. I told him how his actions affected me but he said I was being dramatic. He didn’t see the need to apologize. And that’s something he does too often. He never apologizes when he is wrong. Right now he has gotten a good job in another region. He has promised several times to buy me stuff for the house only to change his mind last minute. He has also promised to help me with money but he never came through with those promises. His excuse is always “My budget cannot accommodate it.”

These days he has been talking about marriage. Our family talks about us getting married too.  But the truth is that I’m scared. I know he is the kind of partner who will help me with chores. That’s something I appreciate but what about his penchant for running a tight budget? How can you draw a budget and not make provisions for miscellaneous? And I believe I am the only one he does that to. If he can take a loan to help pay someone’s school fees but won’t even take me out on a simple date then I am afraid of the future. 

I have stories on this platform about husbands who help others at the expense of their own families. And I fear that is the kind of future that awaits me if I marry Stephan. The sad part is that when I complain he dismisses me. He uses the phrase; “Why do you like making mountains out of molehills?” If he won’t listen to me now then when will he do that? When we are married? I don’t think so. 

He was my childhood crush and I went through so much to be with him. We’ve had good moments and I want nothing more than to be married to him. No, that’s not true. I want something more than to be married to him. I want someone who listens when I tell him something is not right. I want someone who apologizes when he is wrong. Above all, I want a man who will provide for me. I love Stephan but he is lacking in these areas. I am wondering if I would be overreacting by walking away from everything we’ve shared so far. 

–Nana

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