I only turned twenty last month, but I have a couple of failed relationships under my belt. Before you judge me, understand that it is through no fault of mine. Everything has to do with my mother and her high expectations of the men I date. I know I’m very young and I have a long way to go but I’m beginning to realize my mom’s interference in my love life will turn me into a gold digger. Anytime I introduce a man to her, either as a boyfriend or male friend, she would advise me to take money from the person. If I tell her, “No, I can’t. I just met this person,” she would say, “Why are you such a slow-getter? Trust me, with this attitude, life will pass you by.”

When I was a teenager I had a boyfriend who lived in Accra. I really liked this guy so I introduced him to my mother. She was nice to him but often told me, “This boyfriend of yours is good-looking, but his pocket is empty. All he gives you is GHC20 or GHC30. You need to leave him.” At that age, I didn’t know any better so I believed she was right. And I ended up breaking up with the guy.

Besides pushing me to take money from men, she always pushes me to give her money. This happened after I completed SHS and got a catering job. My strength was less than the amount of work involved with the job. And the money they were paying us was too small so I quit. I was at home for three months without any source of income. Yet my mother demanded that I pay for certain things in the house. I was only eighteen, but she treated me as if I was a full-grown adult male. Yes, I used male because that’s how I felt. Every day I woke up from bed, she tortured me about my jobless situation. This woman would say, “Find some work to do, and stop staying at home.”

What Do You Look For In A Partner You Want To Settle With?–Beads Media

Her behaviour made me so depressed. There were days I wouldn’t even eat. I would wake up and walk on the streets from morning to evening, looking for a job. Then on one fateful day when I returned home at 8:00 PM from my Job hunt, someone recommended a teaching job to me and I applied. I was interviewed and immediately employed. I have been working there for one and a half years now. I give this job my 110% so my boss and supervisors love me.

While I am doing all this, my mother is unemployed. In fact, she has not worked a day in her life since I was ten years old.  I did my best so my boss and supervisor loved my work. She has a boyfriend who is taking care of her. And I honestly get worried when I think about the future. I wonder what will happen if her boyfriend leaves her all stops giving her money all of a sudden. There were times I even suggested that she saves some money and start a small business. But why would she listen to me? I am only a child. I also understand that because my father is not present in our lives, whatever money she gets goes into paying the bills, so I don’t judge her too much. I only wish she would stop trying to turn me into a version of herself, someone who is dependent on a man for survival.

I am not saying that I know better than my mum, but I believe the reason her boyfriend hasn’t married her after all these years is that she is not resourceful, or financially independent. There was a time a friend came to visit me. We were talking about her relationship problems. Afia had a boyfriend who didn’t have money. And then she met a guy at her workplace who was rich. The guy always gave her money and groceries. After a while, he asked her to marry him. Although Afia enjoyed the benefits the rich guy gave her she told me, “I don’t love him. That’s why I am confused about this whole thing.” My mother upon hearing this told my friend, “Forget about your broke boyfriend and marry the rich guy.”

After that conversation, my mother started comparing me to my friend. She would shamelessly tell me, “Can’t you see that Afia has a rich boyfriend who is taking care of her? Learn from her and stop following these poor boys who only use you for free.” Every time she says it, I get hurt and cry. So one time I prayed to God to give me a rich man. Then I met a guy who works as a real estate agent. I was so happy because I thought I had met my mother’s expectations. But when I told her about the man she said, “Real Estate agents don’t earn much.” I got discouraged and asked, ” What does this woman want?”

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After that guy, I met this white man online who said he likes me. He wanted to come down here and meet my parents. Less than a month into our relationship, my mom asked me to ask the guy for money. I tried it and he stopped talking to me. Probably, he thought I was a gold digger.

Now I have found another guy. He works as a quality control officer for a very big company. The first day I met the guy at his apartment, he gave me a voucher to get champagne for my birthday. After I came home with the gift, my mother asked me if that was the only thing he gave me. She even asked me to use the voucher to get her oil instead of the champagne for myself. She then told me to ask the guy about Christmas shopping.

I’m confused right now because my mom doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do. Will I be right to start hiding my relationships from her?

— Abena

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