When I gave birth, I thought the hardest part would be the constant crying of a newborn who didn’t understand day from night. I was wrong. The hardest part in my journey now is my mother-in-law. After I gave birth, my husband suggested that my mother-in-law should come and help. I didn’t like the idea. I said it clearly to him that I wanted my own mother. I wanted someone who would understand me without explanations, someone who would see my pain and respond with care, not criticism. But he insisted. He said his mother was alone and this would keep her busy. That should have been my first warning sign, that this wasn’t about me.
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From the moment she entered the house, everything changed.
You would think that a woman who has given birth before would recognize the look of exhaustion in another woman’s eyes or remember what it feels like when your body is still healing and sitting down feels like work. But no. My mother-in-law came into my home like a guest in a hotel she didn’t pay for.
Every morning, she had a menu. She wants oats and fried eggs. She wants them prepared properly and served hot. In the afternoon, she wants fufu and fresh soup. Not leftover soup or something simple. It should be fresh soup, as if I had a full staff in the kitchen. By evening, it was rice and stew. I was expected to do all of this for her while breastfeeding a newborn.
There were days I could barely stand without feeling dizzy. Days when the baby would cry non-stop and the only way to calm her was to hold her close to my chest for hours. My body would ache, my eyes would burn, and just when I thought maybe I could rest for a few minutes, I would hear her voice from the hall: “Have you started the soup?”
If I didn’t meet her expectations, she would call me lazy and tell me, “Childbirth is not a disease. Women have been doing this for years. You’re just lazy.” She would go ahead and tell me the history of all her children and what she went through while they were babies.
At night, when the baby cried, she didn’t move. Not even once. She would sleep through it all while I sat up in the dark, rocking my child, tears quietly running down my face, not just from exhaustion, but from the loneliness of it all. I wasn’t just tired. I was alone in my own marriage. My husband wouldn’t offer a hand, and his mother would call me lazy if I didn’t meet her expectations.
The only thing she did in the beginning was bathe the baby, and even that didn’t last. Soon, she started “supervising,” standing over me, correcting me, complaining that I wasn’t doing it well, clicking her tongue like I was some apprentice who had failed her training.
She dictates everything in this house, including what we eat. She would take the money meant for housekeeping and go to the market. She would buy only the ingredients that suited her cravings, forgetting there is a nursing mother who needed special ingredients to help the recovery of her body. If she wanted something specific, that was what she bought. The rest was my responsibility.
She didn’t sweep. She didn’t clean. She didn’t lift a finger. She would sit in the living room all day, watching TV, complaining when the channels weren’t clear, as if that too was somehow my fault.
The part that hurts the most is the role my husband is playing in all this. He sees everything that’s going on and does nothing. He sees me struggling. He sees the tension. He hears the unsavoury comments his mom passes sometimes. The ones he doesn’t hear, I tell him. Not once, not twice—I tell him everything over and over again. And every time, he gives me the same answer: “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her.”
But he never talks to her. Not once has he called his mother and said, “Please help my wife do this or that.” It’s like he was waiting for me to break, but even when I was already breaking, he still chose silence rather than tell his mother to help. I’m at my breaking point now, and I don’t think I can take it again. A few weeks ago, I told him I would like to live the rest of my maternity period with my own parents. He said no. He gave no reason apart from saying no. I gave him a reason: “Your mother is not helping the way we thought she would. That’s not your fault, and I can see you can’t do anything about it. Let me go and get some rest.”
He responded, “She came here because of you. Why do you want to leave her here and go somewhere else?”
It turned into an argument—an argument I couldn’t win because he’s the man of the house and I’m expected to listen to him in everything. But I’ve gotten to a point where I have to choose myself no matter what. So I’m asking, would I be wrong if I ignore my husband and leave the house?
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Because right now, it feels like I’m raising a child, serving a woman who disrespects me, and living with a man who refuses to protect me, all at the same time. It’s frustrating and soul-killing. I want to go to my parents’ house. I want to breathe. I want to be somewhere I’m not constantly being judged for being human.
—Rachel
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This is what you should have done much earlier, anyway it’s better late than sorry. You owe a duty to yourself and your baby to stay alive and healthy so go to your parents.
Recently, I read a similar story of a new mother who passed away after childbirth due to the excessive chores and stress she was going through at home.She died due to a high blood pressure. She just collapsed while doing one of those chores and that was it.
Her husband did nothing to help her while she was alive. It was after her death that the husband came crying, but had I known they say…is always at last.
I’m not saying something like this is going to happen to you, never, but should it happen, tell me oooh…Will your husband still remain single for the rest of his life.
See, its not as if your OWN mother is dead, she is alive and healthy, so what at all are you waiting for errr Sis. Hw3 go to your mother wate, don’t let this woman stress you. I’m in the medical field and I know the medical, psychological, physical and mental stress it comes with.
Leave, if you die now, your husband and her mother will move on like nothing ever happen.
Ain’t you loved at home?????
Call me and tell me when you arrive at your mother’s house….I beg
Your husband isn’t blind, he sees whatever his own mother is putting his wife through and he can’t even defend you???
Husband b3n nie???
What’s the worse he can do??? Leave you???
Go to you mother I beg you.
If not for anything your child needs his or her mother healthy and alive.
Dear Rachel,
Your story is quite touching and i can relate as a mother who has 4 children.In Africa, nursing mothers are supposed to have all the needed support so that both and child can thrive.However, your experience is far from this reality.However, i will advise that you take your pain to the Lord in prayer.He sees all and when the needed relief will come you wouldnt even believe it.Thank God for small mercies, you have a healthy baby.For some persons the story is different.Thank the Lord as the Bible says in every thing.The sisterhood is praying for you.
I agree to what ABENA said,please go home there is love at home…Put your health first…Dont tell him anything anymore…He is so weak
Certainly if he won’t let you move to your parents house he can’t say no to a visit. Use that and rest till you gain your strength back.
One day while you have fed your child n asleep n you are in the kitchen cooking just pretend n collapse. When they call you dont wake up till you are sent to the hospital. Once awake let them call your mum to come for you period.
Can’t you faint? See a doctor? Get a medical report and use that to go to your mother’s house? Or since you husband has sided with your mother, where is his father? Where are your parents? Involve a third party quickly, you’ll have to choose either to fight to go to your mum’s place or to deal with your mother-in-law. I suggest you involve a third party and fight to go to your mum’s place.
Mother -inlaw and entitlement in Thier son’s house is something else.
You need to make a pretense like fainting and you will need to go to hospital from Thier you move to your mother’s house abeg.
Na you go train your child don’t let one nonchalant woman overwork you o.