I dated Elvis for three years. He wasn’t a bad person, but we didn’t work out. Like every human being, he had his shortcomings. When we had issues, we fought fair and found our way back to love again. When I needed help and he had it, he provided. When he had to labour for me, he did it willingly and gracefully. We started dating when we were in school. He was in Accra while I travelled to Cape Coast for school, but during vacations, we both met at home and continued loving.
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After our national service, he travelled out of town. It was around that time, when he was away doing his service, that I met Kojo. Kojo was a church friend then, but he worked his way closer to me and one day he proposed. I told him I liked him as a person, but unfortunately for him, I had a boyfriend who was out of town.
He understood me but didn’t leave me alone. Later, he met Elvis and realized that he knew him as a person. When I introduced Elvis to him one day while he was in town, the two men shook hands and talked for several minutes. I even had to leave them alone to talk.
Kojo later sent me a message: “Oh, he’s the one you’ve been dating all this while?”
I answered yes, and he added that Elvis was a cool guy.
We started falling apart after national service. Elvis had gotten a job, and according to him, the job was taking all his time. He didn’t call often, and he didn’t come to town for over two years. Slowly, one day we had a conversation, not knowing it would be the last time we spoke. I didn’t blame him for leaving. He didn’t blame me for anything. We just fell apart without closure.
All that while, Kojo was still around. I saw him often, and every Sunday after church he walked me home. He didn’t ask about Elvis and me, but I think he knew the love was no longer there. I don’t know how he found out, but one day he asked if Elvis was still in the picture. I told him, “I haven’t heard from him in a very long while.” He said, “Eiii, are you two no longer together?”
A few weeks later, he intensified his pursuit, and along the line, I said yes to him. I told him, “Elvis will be mad if he finds out I’m dating you, especially since he knows who you are.”
He responded, “I didn’t ask him to leave you lonely. It’s his loss.”
Kojo was very intentional from the start. He talked about marriage and children. He sang about family and told me he couldn’t wait to start his own. I wasn’t surprised when, after two years of dating and after I had started working, he asked me to marry him. He met my dad officially to introduce himself while I was away. He told my dad he would come home soon to do the needful.
A year later, we were married. A year after marriage, we travelled out of town to start life in a new place. We welcomed our first child. The first was only two years old when the second arrived, and then the third—just the family size we both dreamed about.
I think it was after four years of marriage that I heard from Elvis again. He was shocked that I married Kojo—not in a bad way—but he kept repeating, “Kojo? You mean Kojo? Our own Kojo?”
He had moved on just like I had and was very happy for me. He even said he would visit one day to see us.
I didn’t hear from him again until one early morning when I was scrolling through Facebook and saw his obituary poster. Elvis wasn’t a Facebook person, so there wasn’t much written about his death. The person who posted it was thanking everyone for attending the funeral.
I broke down immediately and started crying. My husband was sleeping, so I had space to cry my heart out, asking myself what killed him. I even messaged the person who posted the obituary and asked what happened to Elvis. Later, when my husband woke up and noticed my demeanor, he asked what was wrong. I told him, “I just saw on Facebook that Elvis has died.”
He responded with a grin on his face, “Oh, you didn’t know? That was long ago. I think he’s been buried already, or?”
Suddenly my eyes widened, and my lips froze in an oval shape. “You knew about it? When did you get the news, and why didn’t you tell me?”
He knew everything about Elvis’s death and how he was buried in his hometown. I kept asking, “So why didn’t you tell me?” My voice dropped to a whisper, as though I didn’t even mean to ask out loud. His answer was, “I didn’t think it was important.”
Since then, I’ve lost all affection and light for my husband. He looks pale in my eyes, like a fading shadow. What made it worse was when he added, “So he’s the reason you’re looking this way early this morning?” He was surprised by my sadness and called it unnecessary. I said in my head, “You’re being unnecessarily inhuman.“
I don’t hate him for not understanding my grief, but I don’t respect his disregard for my feelings and the way he treated the news of Elvis’s death. He tries to touch me and I feel nothing. Sometimes I want to sleep away from him. It feels like I’m tolerating him instead of loving him as the man I’ve been with all these years.
I thought it was a temporary feeling and that it would go away, but months have passed and I still feel the same. It’s not resentment; it’s a lack of emotion. He says funny things and I don’t find them funny. I’d rather be anywhere else than close to him. All this while, I’ve been thinking about Elvis and what his last days on earth were like. Was he happy? Did he suffer before dying? Did I have a place in his memory before he died?
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No, I didn’t love Elvis again after we separated. I didn’t even think of him or consider him an ex. But his death, and the way my husband handled it, has brought me to this place where I don’t know whether to approach my husband and talk about how I feel because of how he treated the news of Elvis’s death, or to keep quiet and live with these feelings until one day they fade away.
—Constance
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Constance,please face and build your home and forget about the dead.All you do is pray for repose of the soul of the dead and continue with your home.Think of how to achieve success with your husband and kids and don’t bear any grudge against Kojo.Yiur marriage should not suffer bcos of your ex,best wishes
Sweetheart, I perfectly understand how you feel but even the Bible tells us to allow the dead bury their dead. Life goes on. Try and also put yourself in your husband’s shoe, what if he didn’t want to inform you because of how the news was going to break you? The feeling is not going to fade away just like that but instead, you need to put in some hard work and prayers to let it go.
You being emotionally distant is only going to push your husband away into another woman’s arms and this is only going to tear your marriage apart. I don’t think that’s what you want for yourself and children.
You are an idiot , you want to leave your husband and your family which you have been able to build all because of an Ex who is dead ?? Breaking your marriage won’t bring your ex back for sure , it won’t won’t change his situation in the afterlife . You can be angry at him but don’t go to that stupid extent of breaking up your own family.
My Sister you’re rather destroying your beautiful home because of your ex who is dead oooo not even alive. Hmmmm you better work on your self because you will later write a long message here that your husband is cheating and we should help you
I can understand your pain. I think you are angry with your husband because he didn’t see the death of another person a serious issue. We cry when work colleagues that you’ve known through work die how much more someone you were in a relationship with.
Clearly he didn’t treat the death of your ex well so have a conversation with him calmly about how death is a sad matter no matter who dies and let him know you are hurt because of how he didn’t find it necessary to tell you, after all you both knew him. Don’t let this escalate no matter the response. Just let him know to get it off your chest.
If you want closure, you can call Elvis’ wife and ask about what killed him or what ever information you have to make you feel better.
After that forget about Elvis and continue with your marriage because from what you’ve said so far, your husband is a good man so why throw what you two have away all because of one thing he did?
Pray, love your husband and enjoy your marriage. The death of Elvis should show you that life is really short. All the best.
This is a thoughtful comment. Great choice of words and wisdom in it 👌.
All the comments I read before yours in the descending order were harsh and strong words to tell how “foolish” the woman is but this comment is one that will give the grieving woman, some joy.
You see, love is not aggression so treating or handling things about love or unions with aggression rips off the sooth in it.
Until you have really been in love or been caught in that web, you won’t understand. You’re no longer loving Elvis but you and him have been great buddies, people who have loved themselves before in a relationship so of course so long as you do not have problems or grudges against the other, you would have that special respect for him so yes your husband who has had this place in your life because ELVIS and you got lost and he knew him and knew the kind of friendship you both had, should be the last to wish ELVIS was even out of the world.
He was a person he knew cool-ly until you got separated so why hate him to that extent of rubbishing his demise and being sound and happy about it because he thought now, his wife has no one lurking around?
You’re right about how you feel towards your husband and Elvis’s death. Your husband’s behaviour only is one that rejoices over people’s misfortunes…
Losing love and emotions and all that butterflies for your husband is to be expected. He broke your heart. He should have consoled you alluringly, knowing of course that the person is dead.
Let’s be humans for Christ’s sake
@Paapa, this attack and insult is unnecessary. If someone needs help for restoration, the least you can do is suggest, recommend and restore rather than insult.
My sis. I understand you because I have gone through this state before yet it drew me closer to my husby instead. The Gentleman is gone, let him have rest knowing that his loved ones like you are doing well. Don’t destroy the beautiful thing you have built because I don’t think he would like to see your home destroyed. It may grieve him instead. Gear up, have an open minded discussion with your husband and return to your loving self. If he is as reasonable and understanding as my husband, you will enjoy the rest of your marital life than you did before. All the best.
I hope love like this never finds me in my life. Imagine you finding out that your wife still loves her ex even tho he is dead and she is able to loose feelings for you over an ex oo. Herh, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around. The wife is supposed to loose feelings for the ex, well the saying really is true, most women never married the men they loved, they just married the men that were availabe
@Eugenia Asare Tandoh’s comment is seconded by me. That’s a thoughtful one.
Make sure not to marry a woman who does not love you but married you because you are available.
Herh chale, the women are also saying they understand her which means they all married men they never loved.
Your dead ex was more important to you than your living husband? Kojo didn’t even ruin your relationship. He figured you had moved on and come to love him more than your ex that’s why you married him. Don’t make him begin to fight with the memory of your ex. Don’t ruin your own home.