I have been married for some years now. My husband is a good man. My marriage would have been a happy one if it hadn’t been for one problem. We couldn’t bear children. It wasn’t easy to handle, especially when we had to see people who got married after us carry their bundles of blessings.

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Some of the comments that came our way made the journey more difficult and unbearable. In these situations, it’s always the woman they point to. I became a laughing stock.

When we got tired of waiting for it to happen naturally, we went to see a doctor together. He checked me and said I was fine. However, he made me step out when it was my husband’s turn to hear his results. It didn’t sit right with me but I didn’t make a fuss. After all, my husband would tell me everything that the doctor would say.

After we left the hospital I asked him what the doctor said. He shrugged and said it was nothing serious. “I just need to take some medication, and if it doesn’t work, have a surgery to correct the problem.”

He made it sound like a regular headache he would have to take paracetamol. I stood by him. We prayed together and waited on God to give us a miracle. While trusting God, we resorted to some herbal medicines. It was even a hustle to get him to commit to the drugs as he was always skipping the dosages.

During this difficult period, I discovered he was having an affair. It broke me. I was already dealing with so much even though I wasn’t the problem. Why did he have to betray me on top of all that?

My pain and loneliness had me seeking comfort in the arms of another man. He is married just like me so I thought it was safe. It wasn’t. We ended up having an affair, something I regret to this day. Unfortunately, it’s too late for that — I am pregnant. The baby is not my husband’s and he doesn’t know.

However, when I broke the news of the pregnancy to him, the first thing he asked me was, “Are you sure it’s mine?”

“Why do you think it wouldn’t be yours?” I asked him.

That was when he told me he was sterile. He said the doctor we went to see had told him he wouldn’t be able to father his own children — unless adoption.

“I have seen four other specialists and they all told me the same thing.”

He also said the ultimate solution would have been surgery, but he had no intention of going under the knife. Which meant there was no way he was going to get a cure for his problem.

I was hurt. I kept asking myself why he knew his situation and kept quiet, while I prayed constantly and cried to God for a miracle. Was it his plan to trap me in a childless marriage and continue to be a laughing stock while he had his affair on the side?

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Well, now I am pregnant. What becomes of the child? I can’t get rid of it. It’s not something I will do. Nonetheless, I feel filthy when I think about how the pregnancy came about.

I never dreamt I would be the kind of woman who would commit adultery, yet here we are. I don’t know how to make peace with it or forgive myself. I have strayed from the word of God. I have betrayed my values and principles as a Christian. I am so filled with guilt and regret.

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I still haven’t told my husband that I had an affair. Somehow he thinks it’s a miracle baby. Should I risk it all and tell him the truth? I just want to get right with God. I always wanted to lay my hands on my pregnancy and invoke God’s blessings on my unborn child. Now I can’t do it. I don’t even remember the last time I prayed.

What can I do to get back to my God? That’s the help I need. Please don’t judge me too harshly — I am already punishing myself enough.

—Eliza

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