I don’t know the kind of man I married. Truly, I thought I knew him. It was after we got married that I realised I married a stranger. I remember our first fight. I can’t recall what it was about but I know I didn’t engage him. He wanted a quarrel but I chose to ignore all his outbursts. In a fit of rage, he shouted, “One day I will do something that will leave you devastated forever.”

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I didn’t let it show that his words stung me. I just smiled and continued ignoring him. I am wondering if that was my mistake, putting up a face that I was unfazed by all his attempts to hurt me. I was a model dutiful wife.

When our daughter was barely six months old I found out I was pregnant with a second baby. He said he didn’t want it.

“Now is not a good time for us to keep it. If you listen to me and take care of it, you will thank me later.”

It wasn’t what he said. It was the matter-of-fact way he said it. It sent a warning into my nervous system. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him what he meant. I didn’t. I just obeyed him and did as he asked.

I went to the hospital and they gave me some pills. I was in a lot of pain when I took them. I thought I was going to die that night. Soul-crushingly unbearable. My husband was home but he was no source of comfort. Not to me and not to our crying baby. All he did was scold me to get up and take care of the child.

My daughter wanted breastmilk but pain wouldn’t let me hold her. I lay on the floor till I passed out. When I regained consciousness, there was blood all over me.

My husband stared at me with disgust and said, “Clean it up,” then he stormed out and left me alone with the baby.

The pain had gotten better but I bled a lot. My husband treated me with so much disdain that even now, I cringe when I remember that time.

Whenever he acted like a jerk like that, he would come back and say sorry.

“I don’t know why I did that. It was the devil.”

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There were days I got fed up and told him I wanted to go back to my father’s house. Whenever I said that, he would act sweet and nice in the following days. I would tell myself he was changed. Then he would mess up again.

A few days after our child clocked one, he told me he was travelling for work. He said he would be back the next day. Everything about that trip seemed off to me. I wanted to express my discomfort but I didn’t want to stir up trouble so I watched him leave.

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It’s been two years since he left. He is still not back. I haven’t heard from him either. He just cut me off. I suppose this is what he meant every time he got angry and said, “One day I will do something that will leave you devastated forever.”

He was right. Leaving me the way he did has left me broken. I am still struggling to heal. I keep asking myself, “Who at all did I marry?”

—Aria

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