My Husband Wants His Sick Mother to Come to Live With Us in America. I Said No!

I understand his concerns. She’s his mother, and I would be worried too if my mother were in the same situation but I’ve told him that if he brings her to live with us, our marriage might not survive it.

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He thinks I’m being wicked because of how his mother treated me in the past. I wish he could understand that there’s more to my decision than what happened between us.

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My mother-in-law never liked me. From the first day my husband introduced me to her, she made it clear that I wasn’t the woman she wanted for her son. I was working at the time, but my salary wasn’t anything to write home about. My family wasn’t wealthy either.

She believed her son deserved someone from a better home.

I spent precious days of my life trying to prove to her that I was that better person. Whenever I visited, she found something wrong with me. If I helped her cook, she complained about how I prepared the food. If I sat quietly, she said I was proud. If I tried engaging her in conversation, she said I talked too much.

There was a time she told my husband in my presence that love wasn’t enough to sustain a marriage and that he should think carefully before choosing a wife.

I went home and cried.

Had it not been for my husband’s father, I don’t think our marriage would have happened. That man treated me like his own daughter. Whenever his wife complained about me, he defended me. On our wedding day, he hugged me and said, “You’re welcome to this family. Don’t let anybody make you feel otherwise.”

A year after marriage, I won the American visa lottery. My husband and I went through the necessary processes and eventually relocated to America together. Life hasn’t been perfect, but God has been good to us. We both work, we have a comfortable home, and we’ve managed to build a peaceful marriage.

Interestingly, my mother-in-law’s attitude changed after we relocated. The woman who barely wanted to speak to me suddenly started calling to ask about my wellbeing. She began referring to me as her daughter and even told relatives how fortunate her son was to have married me.

We send money home regularly. Sometimes we send money specifically for her upkeep. We also ship items to Ghana for my husband’s parents to sell so they can make some income. Whenever I visit Ghana, I make time to see them. I buy gifts for her and spend time with the family.

Recently, her health started deteriorating. She has been visiting the hospital frequently, and the treatment hasn’t produced the improvement the family expected. My husband has been worried, especially because we aren’t there to see exactly what’s happening.

A few weeks ago, he told me he wanted to start making arrangements to bring her to America. I asked whether he meant she would visit for treatment and return to Ghana. He said no.

According to him, he wants her to come and stay with us so we can monitor her health and make sure she receives proper medical attention.

I asked how long she would stay. He said, “As long as it takes for her to get better.”

That’s where my problem started. My husband leaves home very early and sometimes returns late because of work. I also work, but I chose more flexible working schedule because of the kids. If his mother comes here and needs constant attention, most of the responsibility will eventually fall on me.

I will be the one adjusting my schedule, preparing special meals, accompanying her to appointments and making sure she’s comfortable. And I know the woman I’m going to be dealing with. Imagine living under the same roof with someone who has always found fault with everything you do. Now imagine being responsible for that person’s daily care while trying to maintain your job, kids  and marriage.

I told my husband I wasn’t ready for all that.  He asked, “So because my mother didn’t like you when we were dating, you want her to suffer?”

I told him I didn’t want his mother to suffer just as I didn’t also want to suffer. My husband said I was putting my comfort ahead of his mother’s life. We argued that evening. At one point, I told him, “If you bring your mother here to live with us, I’m afraid our marriage won’t survive her presence.”

He went quiet. Then he asked, “Are you telling me to choose between my wife and my mother?”

I said no but he insisted that was exactly what I was doing.

Since that conversation, things haven’t been the same between us. He believes I’m using his mother’s illness to punish her for rejecting me years ago. But that’s not what I’m doing. If I wanted revenge, I would have refused to support her all these years. I wouldn’t have sent her gifts or encouraged my husband to take care of her financially.

The two of us have worked hard to achieve the little stability we enjoy today. I don’t want us to lose everything because we made a major decision without preparing adequately. What hurts me most is that my husband has started discussing the arrangements with his family as though I’ve already agreed.

His siblings are excited about the idea. They keep telling him that once their mother gets to America, everything will be fine. Nobody is asking who will look after her when we’re both at work. They all believe that because we live in America, we have enough money to solve every problem.

My husband has even discussed discussed our disagreement with his mom and told me his mom has been crying because of that. Now I’m the wicked daughter-in-law again.

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I love my husband. He’s a good man, and I know he loves his mother. I don’t want him to live with the regret of feeling he didn’t do enough for her but I’m also worried that in his desperation to save her, he’s making promises that will eventually become my responsibility to fulfil.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m being selfish. I don’t want my mother-in-law to die because we failed to help her. But I also don’t want our marriage to suffer because we offered more than we could manage.

Am I wrong for refusing to have my sick mother-in-law move permanently into our home? How do I make my husband understand that I’m trying to protect our marriage, not punish his mother?

—Yvonne

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