Twelve years ago, I walked down the aisle knowing very well that the man I was marrying already had two children. Of course, that did not stop me from marrying him. I was sure of him, and I believed he would handle every aspect of our lives well. I never thought his other children would become a source of trouble in our marriage. But the truth is, they are not the problem. My own husband is the one causing problems in our family.
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We currently live in a house we built together. When he bought cement, I paid the workers. When he bought the roofing sheets, I bought the tiles and paint. We built this house with our sweat and blood. I have been a supportive wife who holds her husband in high esteem and stands by him. Together, we have worked hard to build the life we have today.
However, my problem is with how he handles the responsibilities of his other two children, who live with his mother. He pays all their expenses alone, without their mother contributing a dime.
Whenever I ask him why the children’s mother is not playing her part, he tells me that since she has refused to take care of them, what else can he do? I understand that he has a responsibility towards his children, but what hurts me is how differently he treats me when it comes to our own children. We bitterly share every expense to the last pesewa. Sometimes, I even bear a bigger part of the responsibility.
Four years ago, I told him I wanted to further my education and asked him to help me. His response was, “Don’t disturb me with those matters. I have proper issues to deal with.”
That was how I ended up paying my school fees without a single penny from him. I struggled through school on my own and finally completed my programme last month.
Clearly, I feel he is being unfair to me, and I am not the kind of person who will sit back and allow my worries to eat me up. I speak up whenever I feel something is wrong. However, anytime I raise the issue of him treating me unfairly, he turns himself into the victim.
School reopened this academic year, and he gave me only GH₵400 to buy books for our three children. It is not as though he is unemployed. He is working, but I cannot even ask him for financial support without anticipating the same response.
Some days, when things become too difficult to handle, I have to seek financial assistance from other people until my salary comes in. Then, I pay them back.
He will not even let me open my mouth to ask for money before giving his automatic response: “I don’t have the money.” He does not even bother to ask how much I need before saying that.
I have now started a side business, which is bringing me some money. When I was about to start the business, I asked him for a loan to get it up and running, but he gave me the same automatic response: “I don’t have money.”
A month or so later, I heard him on the phone discussing a business idea I had shared with him some time ago. He was discussing it with another married woman and telling her that he was going to set up the business for her in his hometown. She would manage it and send him the proceeds at the end of every month.
How does that make sense?
It pained me to hear that conversation. Here I was, his wife, asking him for a loan to start my own business, and he told me he had no money. Yet, he was willing to invest in another woman’s business using an idea I had shared with him.
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Today, whenever I bring up how unfairly he treats me, he makes it seem as though I am being petty. He acts as if I am making a big deal out of nothing, even though these issues have been bothering me for a long time.
People of God, am I really being petty, or am I not being a good wife?
— Sandra
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You are not petty. You are sometimes unreasonable. He pays the school fees for 5 children and you still expect him to be able to pay your own school fees in addition. If it was you, how would you feel? You see why there are more widows. Women expect so much and put so much pressure on men. Appreciate what he is doing and maybe when he has money to spare, he will remember you.
Akwasi, you’re not being fair here. Are you sure you read what this lady is complaining about to the end? Why can’t a husband support his wife to do business that would actually support the whole family instead is planning to set up similar business for another woman? Sometimes, men always think that women are foolish therefore can be used anyhow but forgetting that when a foolish person wises up, he/she becomes wiser. Madam, my only advice for you is that, stay focused with your business, do whatever it takes to grow it and leave everything to your Maker. He will never disappoint you.