My husband had a daughter before we got married. The mother of his daughter died during childbirth. They were not married, but from the dreams they had, they were going to marry after the child was born. And then the unfortunate thing happened. He didn’t recover for years. Even when I met him, he still had relics of that event hanging around his neck. I had to beg him to let it go.

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He blamed himself for the death of his daughter’s mom. He said she wanted to abort the pregnancy, but he stood against it. He wanted to be a father, so what the lady wanted didn’t matter. So each time he told the story, or you asked how the mother of his daughter died, he concluded, “I killed her.”

His daughter was four years old when we met and fell in love. The child was with the younger sister of the deceased girlfriend. I asked about his plans for the girl, and he spoke fondly about everything he wanted to do for her. I realized the girl was going to be a distraction if we allowed her to stay with the aunt, so I asked him, “Wouldn’t you want to have her with you when we end up married?”

His eyes lit up all of a sudden. He said, “If you don’t have any problem with that, then I would be happy.”

A year later, we were married. His daughter was the flower girl. I kept her so close she appeared in every photo we took. The wedding felt like hers, and the father was the groom. We went on our honeymoon with her and came back to begin life with her. She called me mommy. I called her my first daughter.

I loved her genuinely. I would wake up and think about her even before anyone else came to mind. I would take her to school and pick her up. When those who didn’t know us asked about her, I told them she was my first daughter. Loving her right meant getting the total attention of my husband, and I did it with all my heart.

Two years later, we had our first child together as a couple, also a girl. That was when the problem started. Nothing changed on my part, but everything changed on the part of my husband. It was sudden and surprising. He told me once he was taking his girl to his mother, and I asked why. He told me now that I had my own, things might change.

I laughed and asked if he didn’t trust the woman he married. Apparently, it was advice he got from people close to him that I might start maltreating the girl because I had my own. I did none of that. Even when I was too tired to do it, I woke up and helped his daughter get ready for school before I would do anything else.

I was only sending her on little errands when my husband got angry that I was giving the girl too much to do. She was eight but couldn’t do anything around the house. She didn’t even know how to bathe properly because her father wouldn’t allow her to do things for herself.

I told him, “She’s a child, but she’s no longer a baby. If we don’t set her on the right path at this point, when are we going to do it?”

He still insisted we shouldn’t give her more than she could do, so I left the care of the girl in his hands to dictate what he thought wasn’t too much. But his attention to the girl went deeper than that. He didn’t have money until it came to the issue of his daughter. He would pay her fees while he had been complaining all month that he didn’t have money. He would buy new things for her and buy sweets for her when we didn’t even have baby food.

When I talked, he would go like, “Is it because I bought new dresses for Mina that’s why you’re asking for baby food? Is it a competition in this house?” He wouldn’t buy anything for the baby but everything for Mina. These things worried my heart, but I needed to tackle them the right way.

We bought land together. I contributed almost 50% to the purchase of the land. I went through the documents, and they bore Mina’s name. Not even his own name or mine. I wouldn’t let it slide, so I asked why. I wasn’t angry ooo. I just wanted to know why he would use his daughter’s name on a property we bought together.

He flared up and started talking at the top of his voice. “Would you be asking these questions if I used your daughter’s name on the document? Must you question everything because it’s her? Are you even a mother at all?”

Currently, he has taken his daughter back to his mom. He didn’t tell me about it or even give me the courtesy as the woman who had cared for her all this while. I came in one day, and everything of hers was packed and she was about leaving. She was crying. She didn’t want to go. And then he told her, “I know what’s best for you. You’re my daughter.”

He behaves as though my daughter and I are strangers in this house, or like I came into this marriage carrying my own child. Everything is about his daughter, and we come second and third in that order.

I spoke to his mom about it, and she said she was going to talk to him. To date, nothing has happened. No change at all. I buy everything when it comes to our child. Sometimes I have to beg him to give us housekeeping money, but every month, he sends money to his mom for the upkeep of his daughter. Do you honestly think I have a future in this man’s life, looking at how he’s treating me?

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

Sometimes I want to call it off and move back to where I came from. My parents will take better care of me than what is happening in this house. The document issue—I raised it again, and he said he would refund my money to me, so I have no right to ask about it. It’s not about the money I contributed or even about the name on the document. It’s about how he’s behaving about everything.

I’m breaking apart and don’t know what to do. Please advise me.

—Felicia

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