We had a dream of getting married two years after dating. A year into our relationship, she went to her village and returned as a different person. She was too happy for reasons I didn’t know. The happiness turned into ghosting and excuses each time I tried to see her. I asked questions. I wanted to know what had changed. She told me nothing had changed so I should relax.

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This behavior went on for almost a month. I was tired. It felt like she had checked out of the relationship, but each time we spoke, she gave me assurances that amounted to nothing. I spoke to her friends I thought could help. They all didn’t say anything. They had the information but refused to share.

I gave her an ultimatum: “Tell me what is going on or I will leave the relationship if things continue the same way.”

I gave her a week. A week came to pass. Another passed by quietly, but she didn’t change. I decided enough was enough. I stopped trying. When I stopped calling and texting, we didn’t talk for over a week.

I was hurting. Deep down I thought I had done something, hence the change. The more I searched within myself to find answers, the more I got hurt. I wanted to move on, but moving on proved more painful than I ever imagined. I loved her. Nothing was wrong, but she changed. I didn’t ever think it was because of another man, because I knew Gina and how dear she held our relationship and how often she had said no to men just to be with me.

But after a week of not hearing from her, I texted a simple message, “Eiii!” and didn’t say anything else. In the evening she responded. She said, “I know I’ve been the devil, but give me time. I will tell you everything. I wanted to resolve the situation myself so you didn’t have to come in, but now that you know, I have to tell you everything.”

When she went to the village, she met another man. According to her, the man had lived all his life abroad and had children her age. The man was also friends with her family, so when they met at the funeral, the man got interested in her and decided he was going to give her to one of his children abroad.

It was just a conversation, but when she came back, the man followed up and even gave his son’s number to her. They started talking. All the while she was avoiding me, she wasn’t sure if it would work out. She wanted to eat her cake and still have it, so she kept me on the side while watering the pasture beneath her feet.

The guy expressed serious interest within a month. They had video calls every evening to the extent the guy’s father took a dowry list from her family before going back.

When she called and we talked, she said, “He was forced on me. I didn’t have a choice but to obey my parents.”

I asked her, “Did you tell them you have a man? Did you make them aware it was serious and I was coming home to marry you next year?”

She answered, “Even if I did, they wouldn’t have accepted that. I just have to go with the flow.” I asked, “So that’s the end of us, right?” She answered, “I wish it wasn’t, but you know it’s not possible for us to date under this condition.”

I’m a man in love, but I’m not a fool in love. I know when to love strong and when to bow out. I bowed out that day, swearing never to contact her or have anything to do with her again.

A year later, she was calling my phone. I was happy to hear from her. The pain had died and the scar faded. I had forgiven everything because at some point in life, you have to understand other people’s choices even if they don’t favor you. If she were my sister, maybe I would have asked her to choose the abroad man because why not?

We talked happily. We shared stories of the old days, and she even said she had missed me. I asked if she was already abroad, and the first word was, “Hmmm.”

I knew there was a problem. The long and short of the story is that the guy didn’t marry her. According to her, the guy had so many issues. Three children from three baby mamas who were constantly bothering his life. That aside, the guy was planning to run back to Ghana to start over again. The reason he was looking for a woman downtown to marry.

This and many other reasons were why their arrangement didn’t happen. She said, “Oh, I wasted my life for nothing.” I said, “It wasn’t for nothing. Lessons ought to be learned anyway.”

A few weeks later, we met at my place. Old flames rekindled, and we did what we used to do best when we were a thing. That wasn’t the only time. We met often, and each time we did, it happened. We needed to talk. She asked, “Are we back together?” I answered, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

When I finally thought about it, I decided to give it a shot one more time and see where it would go. We talked about a relationship, but I told her it wasn’t about marriage until further notice. “I want to hear the voice of my spirit urging me to say yes to marriage before I do,” I told her.

She has been very understanding. She hasn’t pushed for marriage or asked about it again. She has just been around, doing the things she did that made me love her, acting good and virtuous and all that. I’ve started thinking about marriage, but whenever I remember the past, it bites through my thoughts and says, “Don’t be a fool. She isn’t loyal.”

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But what is loyalty? She’s here with me. She didn’t meet the guy or have anything intimate with him. They talked and it didn’t work out. Should I hold that against her and stop thinking about marriage? She doesn’t have any problem with how long it stays this way, but I don’t know how long she would begin to have a problem. But my question is, should I go ahead and marry her after everything that has happened?

—Akwesi

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