When I met Courage I already had a daughter. That didn’t deter him from pursuing a romantic relationship with me. Throughout our courtship, he was caring and attentive. He didn’t relent when it came to providing. When we finally got married three years ago too, he continued to be supportive and a provider.

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We were truly happy in the beginning. Maybe it was the newness of it all, or he was just a different person back then. We have a son together now. “Our family feels whole,” we both rejoiced when I had the baby, “now, we have a daughter and a son.”

Unfortunately, my husband has changed a great deal since the arrival of our son. I first noticed the changes when he started saying, “I don’t have money,” whenever he had to pay for something at home. Already, he doesn’t pay for everything. I support him when he is down. But when his down moments became more frequent, I started raising my eyebrows.

Then he moved to withdrawing from us physically and emotionally. It’s either he was making excuses to be out of the house or that he’s sitting on the couch watching television, completely detached from us.

I wanted answers so I went snooping through his phone. That was when I saw messages between him and another lady. Everything in their conversations showed he was dating her. I was devastated.

“Why are you involved with another woman? Am I not enough for you?” I asked almost in tears.
He didn’t care. He shrugged and said, “Now that you know, what do you want me to say? You are two women in my life now.”

I was so hurt. I kept asking myself what changed. Is it because I have been busy with the baby? Or does he just want to have more than one woman?

Along the line, he told me he doesn’t talk to the other woman anymore. I didn’t ask about her. He was the one who volunteered the information. I felt it was something he was just saying to smooth things over.

Even though I saw a few positive changes, I still had doubts. For instance, he stopped going out unless to work. Yet he always complained that he didn’t have money. Sometimes I would have to put pressure on him before he pays his part of the bills.

Then I found out that he has been sending money to another woman. This is someone he barely knows. We argued. I lashed out, “No wonder your mother left you.”
Yes, I shouldn’t have gone there.

He has a lot of trauma from his family. He never met his mum and he doesn’t get along well with his dad. So he named our son after his aunt’s husband. He said that man raised him like a son. I shouldn’t have used his mother’s absence as ammunition against him but I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

Courage doesn’t drink alcohol but the next day, he came home drunk. I felt horrible. When he sobered up I apologised to him.

We made peace but he didn’t change. He continued to give me excuses whenever it came to paying bills. We argue a lot because of this. One day he told me he didn’t have money because he was saving for rent. Only for me to find out that he sent money to that lady again.

Out of pain I told him, “You said your father is well-to-do but he doesn’t support you. It’s because you’ve refused to forgive him and make peace with him. Your pride is getting in the way of you getting help.”

I could see he was hurt but I kept going, “If you don’t make peace with your past, your son may grow up with the same emotional baggage you have.”

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The next day, he came home drunk again, but this time, I didn’t apologise. I wanted him to know his actions were hurting our family so he would change.

So far no change has occurred. I haven’t spoken to him. He has also not said anything to me. We are tiptoeing around each other like two people in a duel, waiting for the perfect time to take their shots.

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Here’s the thing. I don’t want us to fight anymore. And a part of me believes that he won’t be at peace with himself and will keep sabotaging our marriage if he doesn’t deal with his family issues. So I want to get him to talk to his father so they can get along. Maybe when he heals all those wounds, he’ll stop looking outside our family for something more.

Looking at the tension between us now, how do I get him to forgive his father? Also, am I right to think he would let go of other women when he resolves his childhood trauma?

—Carrie

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