When someone truly loves you, you feel it deep in your soul and at the very bottom of your heart. That is exactly how I felt with my first boyfriend. But the problem was that he smoked, and I couldn’t stand it. Just the smell of cigarettes made me sick. On top of that, he wanted me to get pregnant right after he introduced me to his family. But he didn’t want to meet mine.

Every chance he got to go and see them, he would try to find an excuse to escape. I don’t know why. I just noticed it and decided not to push it. If he heard that I had missed my period for even a single day, he would start talking about the gender of our baby, what kind of father he would be, and everything he would do to give her a good life. He was so excited about becoming a father.

We were cohabiting. I didn’t really like the arrangement at first, but he convinced me. My business was barely holding together, and he said it would really boom in his town if I moved in with him. I left everything, packed my bags, and moved to another town with the hope he had sold me that I would make money.

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When I got there, I realised the crisis had greatly affected the area. There were no markets and no people around because everyone was hiding in the bushes to stay safe. I couldn’t run a business with no customers, so I packed up and moved back home. Shortly after that, we broke up. Our relationship lasted for a year and six months.

Immediately after that, I met someone else. I wanted to take things slow, but when love comes into the mix, you sometimes forget yourself. We are in a relationship. He invited me to move in with him, and I did, but it wasn’t official, official. I slept there and had some of my belongings there, but I didn’t really move all my belongings in.

This new boyfriend of mine, I didn’t know he had this attitude until I moved in with him. He has very serious anger issues. His face would go red, his nostrils would flare, and his hands would tremble. He got angry at the smallest things, like why I turned on the light while he was still in the room, why the door wasn’t closed, or why I didn’t reply to a message fast enough.

Whenever he got angry, he misbehaved. He insulted me, threw hands at me, and did everything else, including beating me. Then he would demand that I apologise, even if it was entirely his fault. He rarely ever apologised to me.

If he was working on his anger, I might have given the relationship a second thought. But he isn’t, and I don’t think he even wants to. I am getting more scared, tired, and out of place every single day. Honestly, I feel like God is punishing me, and I don’t know what to do anymore. The last time he beat me, I just went home. I have a home after all. He has since been calling, asking for a chance and saying that it would never happen again.

I am still in touch with my ex, the one who smokes. The last time we spoke, he brought up the idea of me having his child again. Looking at how terrible my current situation is, part of me wants to say yes. Hear me out. I am 29 years old, my biological clock is ticking, and I am terrified that my time to conceive might pass me by.

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That is my problem. This second boyfriend doesn’t drink or smoke, but his anger issues are out of this world. The first guy smoked, drank, constantly pressured me for a baby, and even tried to get me to stop working.

I want to become independent, but it seems like the harder I try to do the right thing, the more difficult life gets. I feel like I have lost my sense of worth because of everything I have been through. I am giving you the opportunity to tell me the truth, even if it is harsh. Tell me what you think. I want to hear it.

— RICHEAL
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