We are in our second year of marriage and we are already fighting about something I think shouldn’t be a reason for a fight. I love my husband and there’s no doubt about his love for me. From day one, he had been there for me, providing and doing other things only love could push him to do. He is a wonderful man and I always ask God what I would have done if he didn’t bring him my way. When we met, we agreed we would never have sex before marriage and it worked for us. For two years, we kept the promise. There were temptations though. A week before marriage, we nearly did it but God being our strength, we were able to conquer our weakness. 

We had a beautiful wedding and that very night on our honeymoon we did it. It was good. It felt like we’d done enough to deserve the crown so all night we were on it, we didn’t sleep. It was in while we were sleeping. It was finally ours and we decided how we were going to do it. It was fun and all. 

We moved in together and I realized my husband couldn’t go a day without it. I thought it was because everything was new to us. He would do it in the evening when we get home. Somewhere around 1am, he would wake me up and we’ll do it. Right before we get out of bed, he would do it again. We were late for work often but it was worth it.

Six months into our marriage nothing had changed. Evening, midnight and early morning. I was getting tired so I started complaining; “We have forever to go. Why must we do it three times every day? Sometimes I get tired and I don’t enjoy it. Can we tone it down?” He told me, “Then don’t sleep naked next to me. If I see you naked, then it means you’re ready for action. It would ginger me and I will do it.” So days that I wasn’t in the mood, I will wear something to sleep. But I like to be closer to him when sleeping. Sometimes I want his arms on me while we cuddle. Immediately I initiate cuddles, it will turn into something wild. He’ll chop me falaaa and tell me I brought myself. 

And right after the action, he would face the wall and sleep without holding me or allowing me to hold him. Mostly, I felt used and rejected. While he sleeps soundly, I would be laying in bed lonely and forgotten. I will think a lot and also yawn all through the night. We needed to talk about it so I brought up the topic; “Sometimes, when I get closer to you, all I want is for us to cuddle. Everything shouldn’t end up in shuperu. Let’s hold each other. It doesn’t matter where you touch me but it shouldn’t necessarily lead to shuperu. You know what I mean?” He asked me, “What are you talking about? If shuperu is not what you want then don’t come closer to me. Sleep your somewhere and let me also sleep my somewhere.”

It turned into a little argument where he said what he wanted and I also said what I wanted. There was a point where we both had to compromise but he wanted the compromise to be on his terms; “When you get closer to me, I will fire. When you put my arms around you and coil inside my embrace, it will raise me up and I will fire. The bed is big enough for the two of us. If you don’t want it then be on your part.” 

Clearly, I had to learn to be alone while he lay beside me but how was that going to be possible? I share a bed with a man I love—a man I’ve vowed to. How can I sleep on one side of the bed while he sleeps at the other end? I didn’t feel safe about it. I always sent myself to his side and he did whatever he wanted to do to me and later slept off as if nothing else mattered.

I endured it for a very long time until I couldn’t anymore. I will wear something tight and push myself to his side. I would lift his arm and crawl under it and push my body next to his body. Body to body and skin to skin. He breaths on me and I know I’m closer to someone. I would feel safe and my night would be better. He would try to push his way into me and it would turn into I-want-it-and-I-won’t-give-it-to-you. He would scream, “Why would you lift me up when you’re not ready to bring me down?” I will speak to him softly, “I want to cuddle. That’s all I want. Everything shouldn’t end in shuperu. Kiss me, touch me, let me sleep on your chest without eating me. What’s so hard about that?”

He would get angry, pick up his pillow and go to the hall and sleep there. He would go to work and send me a very long message accusing me of denying him shuperu. He would say something like, “I waited for you for two years. I didn’t cheat and I didn’t force my way through you. Now we are here and you still have a reason to starve me?” 

To me, that is not starving. If you give it to your husband three times in a night for five days in a roll, how is that starving? It’s not even five days. He does it whenever he wants it but sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to be held just to feel loved. Sometimes my body wants to be intertwined with his so we can breathe on each other all through the night without engaging in manual duties like shuperu. What is so hard about this that a man can’t do it?

READ ALSO: I’m Torn Between Giving Birth Out Of Wedlock And Letting The Pregnancy Go

This is not an issue we have to consult anyone about. It sounds embarrassing to talk to anyone about it so it has been between us and we’ve been fighting about it from the day we got married. So much so that one night he nearly threw me outside because I wasn’t in the mood but wanted to cuddle. I’m glad we don’t live in a compound house like by this time our co-tenants might have heard about our ceaseless fights every night. 

Maybe I’m the one not being reasonable. Maybe it’s like that in every marriage; the husband gets it whenever he wants it and doesn’t mind cuddling. Maybe, I’m the one with high expectations and have to bring my expectation down. That’s why I’m sharing my story here. 

Is it too much to ask? 

To ask your husband for cuddles sometimes without shuperu? Is it too much to ask him to cuddle you even after the action? We are a young couple. We have no kids and don’t have too many responsibilities to use as an excuse. I know a time will come when we will have genuine reasons not to do that but fortunately for us, this is not the time. This is the time we can be green in love and express it however we want it but the man I married thinks every form of affection should lead to shuperu. We don’t hold hands in public because I’m scared it will lift him up and he will ask me to bring him down. He’s too edgy and always ready to shoot.

My Husband Gave Me A Dead Woman’s Ring–Beads Media

Am I asking for too much? Or there’s no room for cuddles in marriage. In marriage, men only shoot and sleep but I’m the one asking for what does not exist in marriage. Be kind with your answers, I’m already hurting. Thank you. 

— Phoebe

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