We dated for seven years and got married just a year ago. During those dating years, we had the chance to live together for about two years before I got the opportunity to further my education in another region.

It was during that period of cohabitation that I first noticed something about him. He was not someone who liked spending money, especially on food. He could literally stay hungry rather than buy something to eat because he always said he had many plans and our small salaries were not helping him achieve them.

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I was the complete opposite when it came to food. I did not joke with eating. I was not a foodie, but I hated going hungry. I could spend about a third of my salary buying foodstuff in bulk every month so that even if I ran out of money, I would still have something to eat. I ate two or sometimes three times a day, and on weekends it could even be four.

When I moved in with him and left my own room, I suggested something simple.

“I think it will help if you give me money at the end of each month,” I told him. “I can buy foodstuff like I always do so we will not struggle with feeding.”

He agreed. At first, he gave me some money, and I would add my own, sometimes even more than his, to buy food in bulk. Since packaged items lasted longer than a month, there were times we did not need to spend much.

But with time, he stopped giving the money altogether. I continued buying food and cooking from my own pocket. Occasionally, when I asked, he would give me a small amount that could not last even a week. His usual explanation was that he had sent money home.

I also sent money home, but I balanced it with feeding. Still, I did not complain because he had a loan deduction on his payslip, and my salary was about three hundred cedis higher than his. Throughout our entire dating period, I took care of all my personal needs without asking him for anything.

Later, when I got the opportunity to further my education in another region, I handled everything myself. I paid for my relocation, my fees, and my living expenses. He did not give me any monthly support. We only visited each other occasionally.

During that time, we also paid for a five year lease on a cash crop farm, which he managed. Whenever he made sales, he would send me something small. I did not complain because he spent on the farm while I did not.

It was only during the first two months after we got married that he sent me money at the end of the month. After that, it stopped, and I did not ask why.

Fast forward to when he was transferred. He moved into a family house that he had helped complete, but later decided he wanted to find a new place because certain basic things were lacking there. It was not urgent, so he took his time searching for a better place away from family.

Around that same period, we agreed that I would do my final four month attachment in his community. When the time came, I moved there while already a few weeks pregnant with our planned child.

We talked excitedly about living together after my schooling and raising our child as a family. He said clearly, “I don’t want my children to grow up in the family house. It is time for us to find our own place.”

I agreed happily.

But my first trimester was very difficult. I could hardly eat or even drink water, not to talk of cooking or cleaning like I used to. Sometimes he cooked, but most of the time I had to buy food outside because I simply could not cook.

As I entered my second trimester, I could eat a little better, about four times a day, and I was able to cook again. But he was still not giving me housekeeping money. I was feeding us from my own pocket while also paying for transportation to my attachment.

He only bought food when I complained loudly about hunger, and I could not keep doing that all the time. When I asked for money for foodstuff, he would give me about one hundred to one hundred and fifty cedis and expect it to last the entire month.

I would add my own money, buy ingredients, cook soup and stew, and store them for some days. Then the responsibility of feeding would quietly return to me again.

At that point, I realized something painful. The same pattern from our cohabitation years was repeating itself, and now we were married and expecting a child. Feeding was not a small matter. It was a daily responsibility. I could not imagine carrying it alone for the rest of our lives while also handling my personal needs and sometimes helping family.

So I decided to have a serious conversation with him.

“I think we need to sit down and list all our financial responsibilities,” I told him. “We are starting a full family now. It will help if we clearly define who handles what so no one feels overburdened.”

I listed everything. Feeding, rent, utilities, children’s education, their upkeep, emergencies, and miscellaneous expenses. I did not include personal needs because I had always handled mine myself.

His response shocked me.

“I will not specify any responsibility,” he said bluntly. “If you want to help with anything, you should just do it without being told. I will do what I can do and ignore what I cannot. I am not going to go beyond my ability.”

I was deeply disappointed. From his words, it did not even seem like he realized I had already been helping all along, especially with feeding.

Earlier, he had told me he found a house and mentioned the cost for two years advance rent. I did not respond because I wanted us to discuss finances properly first. Later, he paid one year and left the remaining half.

During our conversation, from the way he kept lamenting about the rent, I sensed he had expected me to contribute, maybe even pay half, although he never said it directly.

 

Ironically, the total rent amount was even less than what I had been paying alone during my schooling.

 

This is a man who does not give daily chop money and does not give me money to keep unless I ask, and even when I ask, what he gives cannot last a week.

All I want is for us to clearly define our financial responsibilities so we can stay committed and avoid resentment. But he refuses to understand my point of view.

So now I keep asking myself quietly.

 

Will Make You Leave Me After Forty Years Of Marriage?

Is it really too much to ask for clarity and partnership, especially now that we are married and about to raise a child together?

 

—Diva

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