It started when our second child was born. No, it started way before that, but it got worse when our second child was born. I remember when she was pregnant with our first son, she started complaining about how often I wanted intimacy and how she couldn’t cope. I listened to her because she was pregnant. I would struggle before I would get a moment with her once in two weeks. Sometimes I had to beg. She would do it while crying. I stopped even before the pregnancy got five months old.

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When she delivered, I expected things to be normal immediately. I waited for three months before she finally allowed me. From there, things were a little bit normal. She would complain before doing it. She would do it angrily. She would do it nagging, but she did it. This is a woman I had to wait until marriage before we could be intimate.

It was her rule. She didn’t trust that I would stay after sex, so she kept it off the menu of our relationship. I loved her. I loved the woman she was. Her patience. Her love for God and her willingness to get problems solved before the sunset. I could feel she loved me too. I could see it in the little things and also in the bigger ways she showed herself.

I was admitted to the hospital for one week after a major surgery. She took leave from work so she could take care of me. My mom came to meet her at the hospital and loved her instantly. When my dad met her, he called her my wife and also connected with her immediately. I knew I was going to marry her in the end, so I had the patience to wait for two years, got married before our first intimacy.

It was fun at first, but because we did it every day and wherever, we soon got tired. It was through those moments that we had our first child. We had been married for only two months when she got pregnant. She complained, but we did it somehow. After our second child, things got worse. Our bedroom became a sleeping place only. Nothing else happened in there.

I was bitter. It showed in the way I interacted with her, and it showed up in our conversations. When she finally gave in to sex, our second child was eight months old and was learning to walk. It was quick. I didn’t last for more than three minutes because it had been so long. I waited to go for the second round. When I approached, she pushed me away, saying she was tired and wanted to sleep. In the morning, I tried again. She said she was not in the mood because the baby was looking at us.

I was stressed all the time, seeing her beautiful body parading around naked but not allowing me to touch. So I started looking for a solution outside. At first, I didn’t want commitment with another woman, so I looked for a woman who wouldn’t stick around. It was difficult.

In Ghana, you have to propose to someone, wait for her to accept, before you can start a relationship. It happens to all men. The fact that you’re married doesn’t buy you a shortcut. You have to go through the dating process like you were single and play the game the same way single people do. And once you start investing time, money, and energy in a woman, you begin to love her. You begin to see her in a different shade of light.

Akos happened to me that way. So for the past two to three years, she has been my side chick. I tell her I should have married her instead, but she takes it as a joke married men tell when they meet a woman they want to waste her time. But mine is true. She doesn’t only satisfy my emotional needs; she’s extra and more. I even discuss the problems in my marriage with her, and she gives me solutions.

Because of Akos, I didn’t ask for intimacy from my wife again. We could go for months. I didn’t care. I thought that would make her happy, but she said, “Who satisfies you on the side that you don’t bother about me these days?”

She made it sound like a joke, but I knew she was serious, and she usually said that when she wanted it. For almost three years, it has been like that until recently, when we hadn’t done it for almost a year, she told me, “This isn’t right. We have to do better than this. Almost a year? Who are we now? Married couple? Naaa, this is bad.”

Now she brings it to me, and I shake my head. All the while she was keeping it away from me, I was learning to live without it, and I think I’m at a point where I can go forever without wanting it from her. I don’t have any desire. I don’t rise up for her. She plays with it until it gets irritating, but I never rise to the occasion. She’s now telling me I need help and we should both seek it together.

You know the funny thing? When I was struggling to get it from her and she wasn’t giving in, I said the same thing: “We should seek help. Maybe it’s your hormones trying to pick a fast one on you.”

She brushed me aside as if I didn’t matter. She’s currently saying the same thing to me; in fact, she’s forcing me to say yes because now she’s ready to make things work.

Three Months After Our Breakup, He Got Married

Akos doesn’t even try. It’s like she owns the switch that turns my emotion on. The sad thing now is, she’s also thinking about her future and looking for something that lasts. She’s currently talking to another man, and it’s what’s breaking my heart, but I’ll be fine, I know. The only thing I’m not sure of is how to get my groove back with my wife. I doubt if it will ever work because I’ve learned to live without her. It’s currently all about the kids. You should see us with the kids, and everything looks perfect.

It’s what’s keeping us together, and the way I see it, we are more of co-parents than we are married. I don’t know what will happen to us tomorrow, but now, I feel nothing for her. And it’s all her fault.

—Kelvin

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