I was married to the husband of my youth for nine years. He was my perfect gentle lover and my best friend. He was everything our children needed in a father. He pushed them to be the best they can be because that’s who he was. He was a go-getter who took life by the horns. He was my rock whenever things got hard. Our marriage was not flawless but it was not loveless either. We could not hold on to anger for long periods of time because of how much we loved each other. Our love filled all the cracks in our home. Our love grounded us in each other. We knew that we could overcome every hurdle in our marriage as long as our love continued to reign in our hearts. 

As the good book says, God’s ways are not ours, and neither are his thoughts ours. That’s how our beautiful plans for the future came crashing down one Saturday morning. Maybe fate couldn’t stand to see me happy so it had to steal my joy. Maybe God had decided that he needed my husband in heaven more than our family needed him here on earth. I don’t know what happened but he took his last breath in my arms that Saturday morning. He didn’t fall or sick or get involved in some form of accident. He just woke up and died. My world was shattered; “Why did you have to leave us like this? Who is going to raise our three children with me? Who is going to be my rock now that you are gone? What about our plans for the future” Day and night I cried asking these questions, hoping that somehow I would hear his voice just one more time. 

Six months have passed since that miserable morning, and I am still trying to accept that he is gone. I am trying to pull myself together and be both mother and father to my kids. Our world suffered a tragedy but the world did not. The world is moving on, and so must we. But I have become filled with fear and uncertainties. The boldness with which I used to live my life was buried with my husband. I am afraid to make plans for the future. I am afraid to have expectations for tomorrow. We are devout Christians, but no amount of prayer is helping me overcome this fear. I know that no one knows what tomorrow holds but I don’t want to live today thinking, “What if something bad happens tomorrow?” That’s no way to live.

I want to live my life one day at a time. I want to be in the moment and enjoy every time I get to spend with the people who are here with me. The trauma I went through after my husband’s sudden demise is unfathomable, but I cannot let it rule my life. I look and feel strong on the outside because I don’t want people to worry about me. But I am falling apart on the inside. I break down almost every day that passes. I can feel how much my heart is broken, and I am sure that it will never heal again.

Currently, I am done with all my necessary widowhood rites. A few friends have suggested that I put myself back out there and meet someone as soon as possible so that I don’t grieve for too long. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I am not ready at all to look at another man in a loving way. However, I want to be held and comforted. My heart is too broken for me to consider loving someone else but my body wants physical comfort. I don’t know if that makes sense. I don’t even understand why my body is doing this but I have started having this strong urge for shuperu. It looks like every day I spend without my husband’s touch is pushing me to find that touch in another man’s arms.

 I know that sleeping with someone wouldn’t mean that I have stopped loving my husband. He will forever live in my heart, but I need to get laid. And I am trying to resist the urge because my Christian faith tells me that it’s widely wrong. However, my flesh is becoming weaker and weaker every day. I really want to live an upright life for my kids to emulate so what can I do? I have a lot of questions eating me up but there’s no one to confide in.

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 I am dying slowly, because of these unexplained feelings I am having. I am either filled with extreme fear and anxiety, or I am extremely horny. I wish these strong feelings would vanish and leave me in peace. But I am also conflicted. A part of me wants to give in to my desire for shuperu but I am afraid that society will judge me. They will say it’s too soon for me to get involved with someone else. Some will even think I was cheating on my husband while he was alive, even though that is not the case. And another part of me says, “We can’t get involved with any man. It will feel like cheating. It will feel like we are betraying his memory.”

Please I am emotionally traumatized and confused. There’s a lot of clutter in my head and I don’t know which of my thoughts or feelings are even real. I need guidelines on what to do. Maybe if there’s someone here who has experienced what I am going through, they can share it with me. Please be kind, I am very fragile right now. I am only holding on for the sake of my children. Your sincerest advice is most welcome.

—Esther

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