I am in a place where I feel I am not ready for marriage. My career isn’t thriving so my finances are poor. Emotionally too, I am not there yet. I came out of a toxic relationship seven months ago. I found out my ex lied about almost everything while we were together. The truth almost crushed me. This made me question everything when it comes to my choice of men.

I realized that since I was eighteen, I have moved from one toxic relationship to the other. I did not mean to start dating so early. If I had my way, none of those relationships would have even happened. However, who knows where we will end up in our quest for love? You meet someone and convince yourself you have a special connection, only to end up crying into your pillow in the middle of the night because everything you believed turned out to be a lie.

One moment you are in a happy relationship professing your love for your partner, and the next moment you’re asking yourself why it had to come to an end. This is how my love life has been. Although I started my journey early, I am still single at the age of twenty-seven. By God’s grace, I will be turning twenty-eight this year.

After I reevaluated all my past relationships, I decided it was best I stay single for a year or two. I want to spend some time connecting with myself while I heal from all the toxicity I have endured over the years.

Although I am sure that I made the right choice, sometimes I fear that I may miss my soul mate while I’m on a hiatus. Is there even such a thing as the one? Is it possible that there’s only one person for each of us? If it’s true, then I may miss my window to meet that person if I go on a break.

Despite my fears, the thought of putting myself out there even terrifies me more. I’m a soft and emotional person so I easily get hurt. I never ask for much, only that I should be treated right. How is this difficult to achieve? My past relationships have made it impossible for me to now believe anything a guy tells me.

Recently, one of my exes came back into my life. He proposed marriage to me. This is a guy I broke up with three years ago. He is a good guy but I had my reasons for leaving. One of them is quite personal. He is the type of guy most people would refer to as, “Well endowed.” That’s even putting it lightly.

This guy is so big that I used to cry while we were doing it. We never finished. I always had to stop him midway through intimacy. It was one of the things I considered before I called off the relationship. However, he’s back again.

I still have doubts about us but I am also thinking he is back because we are probably meant to be together. I don’t want to lead him on so I told him, “I can’t marry you knowing that I have no money. You are ready, I understand. But I am not.”
He answered, “I don’t have a problem. I will wait for you till you are ready to support me. I don’t expect you to take on all the bills. I just need your support.”

He is sticking around hoping to change my mind. That’s how ready he is to get married this year. I have thought about giving him a chance. But once again, my past is hovering over my head like a sword. After everything I have been through, I am terrified of ever getting married.

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I had a dream a few days ago after my ex talked about marriage with me yet again. He wanted me to give him the green light to bring his people over to do the knocking. I told him to hold on. It was after that conversation that I had the dream.

In my dream, I was crying because I had missed my marriage. I am not talking about missing my wedding. I am talking about the marriage itself. Now, my fears have heightened. I keep asking myself, “What if I let this guy go just because I want to be alone for some time and I miss my marriage?” I am wondering if he is “the one” although I have my doubts.

Call Your Ex And Ask Why It Didn’t Work Out Between You Two

Do not get me wrong, I am in no rush for marriage at all. I want to get to a place where I have a successful career. I also want to be emotionally stable before I jump into marriage. However, I am aging. What if I remain forever single because I am always afraid?

In as much as I need some space to figure out what I want, I also need some advice from the readers here. Is it a good thing to take a break from relationships? Will I miss out on my soulmate if I do this? Will I still find someone when I’m finally ready?

—Miss AB

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