The first time I cried in front of my girlfriend, we were watching a movie. The movie took a swift turn into the dark territories of my emotions and before I knew it, I was shedding tears. I didn’t even see it coming. If I did, I would have cleared my tears before she saw it.

The movie reminded me of some suffering I went through in my childhood. I’m talking about abandonment and neglect by my parents. My mom apologized to me before she died years ago. As for my dad, he’s still alive but doesn’t see anything wrong with the way he treated me. He hasn’t said sorry but I’ve forgiven him long ago. When the movie started telling a portion of my story, it felt like it was happening to me all over again.

My girlfriend saw me crying and started laughing. She said, “Are you a woman? You watch a movie and you cry? Even me, I haven’t cried. What is that?”

It sounded offensive but I explained everything to her. She still didn’t get it. She blamed me for holding on to my past instead of letting it go. She asked me to be stronger because I’m a man.

The second time I cried was a couple of months ago. She was the reason I cried. She was accusing me of something I knew nothing about. It’s stupid but I thought she knew me enough to know I wouldn’t do such a thing. She kept pushing it on me. I kept explaining myself until I got choked with tears. It was out of frustration that I cried.

Again she made mockery of me, “Everything then you’re crying. Are you not a man? You’re arguing with your girlfriend and you’re crying? Have I beaten you? Or you want people to accuse me of being a man-beater?” I didn’t talk again. She ranted on and on until she left me there.

The things I’ve been through as a man trying to make it in life have made me emotional. I try to hold it but sometimes it just happens.

After the second time of tearing up, she started withdrawing from me. I tried to pull her close but the harder I tried, the harder she kept pulling away. One of her friends called and I was telling her to tell her friend to forgive me. She said, “She told me you like crying too much and she can’t live with a man like that. I’m just telling you what she said but don’t tell her.”

The relationship is now hanging on a thread—even that thread, I put it there, other than that, we would have been on the floor, broken into unrecognizable pieces. I want her in my life but is it worth it? I don’t intend to let my emotions get the best of me the way it did in front of her but is it worth it to keep such a relationship going?

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—Godswill

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