I have a child with a married man. We’ve kept it a secret for the past six years. The man is very influential in society and even in the church we both belong to. We met in church. He took me as his goddaughter, and it happened. When the pregnancy happened, he rented a place for me in a new location so I could change my church and also my community. I was grateful, considering how he wanted me to let the pregnancy go and I didn’t listen to him. I thought he would abandon me, but he never left my side. The only thing I had to promise him was my silence, and I did.

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The only person alive who knows he’s the one responsible is my mom. My dad also knew about it, but he died not long ago. My siblings don’t know, and my best friend doesn’t know. It’s been a secret we’ve kept all these years.

This man still comes to me and pays for the child’s upkeep. Whatever expenses both of us incur, he pays for them, including our rent. We are no longer seeing each other. That arrangement ended once the child was born. He comes here, checks on us, and leaves. There are no amorous intentions between us currently.

My only problem now is that I’m tired of keeping this secret. I’m tired of hiding my child and framing stories that don’t exist. Yet, I don’t intend to come out with his name since what it will destroy is bigger than what it will build. I felt dating again would help me take my mind off this situation and help make the load bearable, but the man says no—I can’t date unless I travel out of the country.

According to him, dating again will bring complications. A man will come into my life and start asking questions, and maybe out of love and frustration, I will tell this new man my secret, and this man will be the outlet for the secret to escape. I told him that would not happen even if I fall deeply in love. He said, “When a man comes into the picture, then what becomes of me and my presence in the kid’s life? How do I come and see him and also pretend I’m not the father? That can’t work.”

So I live alone in this house that looks like a prison to me. I fall in love with men often, but I have to let the feelings go because I know the feelings won’t graduate into anything meaningful. But it also doesn’t stop me from being lonely and tired of this life.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

I love my child and will do everything to protect him from the harsh realities of life, but I also can’t make my child’s life my own life. I can’t stop living mine because my child’s life matters to me.

I regret everything, including the day I decided to accept this man into my bosom, but that regret doesn’t solve anything. The question for me now is, where do I go from here?

—Tilly

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