These days, a lot has been going through my mind. That is why I am here.

I understand a problem shared is a problem half solved, but I do not want to share with anyone who knows me. I don’t want my story to be shared like wedding jollof, passed around for everyone to taste.

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In my teenage years, I was wild and young and free, and maybe that prompted the decisions I made. I took some wild decisions that I totally regret ever taking. I had my reasons at the time, but it still shouldn’t have been reason enough. It pushed me into sleeping with men for money, just to be able to get personal items for school. My parents were punishing me for lies my grandmother, who I used to stay with, told them about me. I still don’t know why they chose to listen to her instead of knowing me for themselves, but that is in the past.

I thought all of that was settled in the past, but hell no. The past always finds a way of intruding, right before a beautiful story turns beautiful.

Life hasn’t been easy ever since I walked away from that lifestyle, but glory be to God, I have managed to sail through. I cross my heart and I swear, I am a changed person now. I am not that kind of girl anymore. Now I work hard for what I have. Not that sleeping around is not working hard, but this time, it is genuine. I am a very hard-working young lady, with so much enthusiasm, and I am very close to the word of Allah. I am not even here to hail myself.

Not long ago, I met this young man. We started talking, and it was going all well. The first question he asked me when we started was, “How ready are you for marriage?” I answered truthfully, “One hundred percent,” and I also mentioned that marriage scares me. Maybe it is the responsibilities, the too much sacrifice, the life of a married woman. I was sure to mention it to him, to let him know what he was facing. He assured me he was going to take that fear away from me, and he tried. He was there, you know? Then feelings started growing. I started looking forward to his calls, his messages, and his voice, even though since we started talking we hadn’t officially met. But he is good people. He changed my whole narrative about marriage. His talks kept reminding me of how much I could still upgrade myself. He was so open-minded and wasn’t judgemental. I used to pay close attention whenever we talked. He always had something good to say about the future.

Then one day, while I was scrolling through his page, more like stalking or not, I found a picture of himself and a long-time ex of mine. My heart was pounding; my world was spinning suddenly, I won’t lie. Because I saw everything crashing down. I didn’t hesitate to ask about their relationship, because I was certain that if I do not ask and he finds out himself, I will be doomed. When I asked, he said they were good friends. For a moment, I couldn’t explain myself. Why was I asking that question? I could have lied, I could have, but to what end? It would open more cans of worms. So I still had to come clean. I told him how I knew him, about our relationship, everything. Or maybe I shouldn’t have said anything? Well, at the end of the day, we just had to cut the last string off and move our separate ways.

But what I find difficult to understand is how my past still found a way to destroy something beautiful we had going on. Right now, that is what keeps playing in my mind. The thought that I want to end it all. Because looking at where I am now as a woman, just a little of my past showing its head can crush everything I have spent my entire life building. How many more times is it going to affect me? That is why I have this decision to clear myself from the surface of the earth, so everything can just go back to normal.

Marriage Through the Eyes of Millennials and Gen-Z

I swear, it hasn’t been easy for me, trying to clear my head and move on with my life. It is beginning to affect me at work. Last week my boss kept telling me I seemed like I was bothered, but I smiled and lied my way out. Deep down, it is eating me up.

I am hoping sharing it here can help my healing process.

—Munira

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