Right from the early age of four, I knew I had the feelings of a woman. I believe I felt that way because I grew up around women. I was the only boy among them so they must have rubbed off their femininity on me. This thing bothered me my entire life. Physically, I am very masculine. I have always been. But emotionally, I am feminine. What I am trying to say is that I have only ever been attracted to boys.

I am currently twenty-one and I am at the university. I am a handsome young man, who is very outgoing with a great sense of humor. Although I am a social butterfly, I don’t have a lot of friends. The few people I call friends are people who make me happy. And I am always happy when they are also happy.

Everyone thinks I’m just the average cheerful young man who has not a single care in the world but all is not well with me. I am very depressed and battling with my inner demons. Ever since I discovered that I am attracted to boys, I have hated myself. I was raised in a Christian and very traditional family so I know that people like me are condemned to burn in hell.

Why would I be happy that my soul is already damned just because of the way I feel? I have been praying and fasting for as long as I can remember, that my feelings should change but it’s not happening. Because of my masculine features, I have a lot of women flocking around me, but I feel nothing for them.

At a point, I decided to let whatever will be, be, but that was when I started drowning. I feel like a disappointment and failure. My parents have so much faith in me. They always praise me for my brilliance. They believe I am the star of the family. This is because I was a gifted child. I used to pass all my exams with flying colors.

However, my academic performance has declined significantly ever since this problem of mine has entangled me. I was on a path to becoming a medical doctor but I couldn’t make the grades required of me to gain admission into the medical program at the university. My dad was so disappointed in me but I couldn’t man up to tell him what was eating me up.

I remember my feelings for men intensified when I got to SHS. However, I kept myself in check. I never did or said anything to anyone to make them suspicious of me. If they caught on to my sexuality, they would have publicly labeled me as gay. I also refused to share a bed with certain people who were known as such.

In case you are wondering if I have done it before, no I haven’t. I have never lain with a man or woman. When my feelings overcome me, I play with myself. Because of this, I became addicted to touching myself and watching adult movies with men in them.

This is what I hate about myself the most, my desires. I have contemplated taking my own life more times than I can remember. I feel like if my prayers will not change the way I feel, especially, born in a country where it has been drilled into my head right from childhood that feelings like mine are an abomination, then I should go and meet my maker.

Last semester at school, I was about to use a knife on myself when a friend came knocking on my door. I just feel like I have had enough of this life. Everything is a mess and I don’t feel worthy of anyone’s love and attention. This thing has broken my spirit. I quake with fear when I think about what my parents would do to me if they found out.

I know what they are capable of doing. They are so rooted in their Christian and traditional family values that they would label me a disgrace and disown me instantly. That’s just who they are. It’s hard for me to live a double life. I wish I could confide in my family, at least, but how can I?

I wouldn’t wish for anyone to be born into a family that makes you feel that you won’t be welcomed if you are different. The threat of hellfire always spills out of their mouths. So I keep asking myself, “Is this what life is all about? Is this our purpose on earth? To live a life that will not condemn us to hell after we die? Nothing else matters?”

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I believe that I am a good person. I readily help people who need me. I don’t know much in this life but I am certain that the only sin I have committed is these feelings that have always been a part of me. I may try to explain it away but I am certain I was born this way.

Nobody ever touched me wrongly when I was a child. Nobody initiated me into anything. I didn’t watch a movie or film that altered my mind. I have just always liked boys, even when I was a little boy. I know many people will criticize me for my kind but I didn’t wish to be like this.

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Just as I stay away from men, I have vowed to not have any close relationship with any girl as well. I don’t want to end up deceiving somebody’s daughter. Beautiful girls come my way but my conscience drives them away.

I am slowly dying with this shame so I want the readers here to tell me something. Currently, I am on the verge of quitting my life so I can rest without worry. This is because I am tired of living such a life. How can a young and masculine man like me be like this? It bothers my heart. So I might soon write a letter telling my parents that I am sorry they wasted their resources on me, and then I would be gone from this life. I love my family, and I know they love me but I cannot quiet these thoughts. Please help me!

—Matthews

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