I met him when I was in my first year at the university. I was really excited about the freedom that came with moving away from home. When we met, I was looking for my way around the university and ended up walking together with him and some other friends in search of our various departments. It was nothing serious in the beginning as he didn’t speak to me while we were in the group. In fact, his friends did all the talking. I was therefore quite surprised when I saw a text from him when I got home. That’s where my friendship with Radnor started. I was quite naive at the time and since I had never been in a relationship before, I let myself fully enjoy his company and conversations. We were flirty, and at a point, I was hoping he would propose that we start a relationship. However, he didn’t. It seemed he had a buffet of ladies to choose from as I always saw him being a favourite of almost all the beautiful girls on my floor whenever he came to visit me in my hostel. 

So, I forgot about my feelings for him for a while and gave my attention to Fiifi, a guy who expressed interest in me. Fiifi was a popular guy who comes from a privileged family. I never paid attention to him as I hypocritically told myself that I would only date someone when I was about to complete school, due to my strict Christian beliefs. However, I faced a lot of pressure from Fiifi, his friends, my friends, and my roommates, until I agreed to date him. Along the line, I fell in love with Fiifi and completely forgot about my romantic feelings for Radnor. Interestingly, it was at this time that Radnor started expressing interest in me. I turned him down flatly and told him I was in a relationship. He seemed disappointed but we kept being friends. I was always there to listen to his escapades with his latest girlfriends, and I became his confidant. Yet he kept dropping hints that he still had feelings for me. However, with my strong Christian background, I thought it was a good thing we didn’t date as I perceived him as a bad boy.  

As he was about to complete school, we lost contact with each other and were no longer in each other’s lives. But we ended up reconnecting when he completed school. It was also at a time when I was considering breaking up with Fiifi. Radnor was there for me, as a shoulder to cry on when things went south with Fiifi. Soon after the breakup, he proposed to me and I accepted it. After many years of waiting, we were finally together. I was delighted. It wasn’t easy but he has taught me how to love and feel appreciated. We have fought so many times but always resolved it in love. It has gotten to a point where we’ve been in a relationship for three years now, and we are preparing for marriage. 

Now my problem is, when we started dating we agreed to abstain from shuperu until marriage. It was difficult for him but I encouraged him to grow in his faith and walk in purity with me. Things were progressing smoothly until one day he tried to force himself on me. I fought him off and left his place in anger. Later, he came to apologize for his actions, “I am sorry, I don’t know what came over. Maybe my desire for you is so strong because I haven’t done it before.” “What do you mean you’ve never done it before? You have dated so many girls.” I asked. He responded, “Yes, it’s true but I never touched them. I didn’t know how to tell you but there it is.” I was shocked and couldn’t believe it since I know the kind of girls he dated and asked him several times if this was true, and he maintained that it was. This happened in the first year of our relationship and as such, I worked with this in mind and was quite happy about it.

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At some point, I even tried to compromise a bit on our intimacy and made out with him a few times, just to alleviate his struggle. It was all okay until recently when we had a chat about his ex-girlfriend. He had run into her so he told me about their time together. Then he mentioned something about her promiscuity, and I jokingly asked, “Why, did you eat some?” To my surprise, he said, “Of course, I did.” I caught him unawares so he spilt the truth without thinking about it. After laughing it off, I confronted him about the issue and he confessed that had indeed been very sexually active in his past relationships. He said he lied to me because he wanted to identify with me on something, in order not to lose me. I was livid! I felt like a fool. All this while he kept telling me about how being a virgin makes him feel and kept talking about our wedding night, was a joke. And can you believe he pretended so well that he even laughed about whether we would be able to do it well on our wedding night? 

As I sit here, I am confused. He looked into my eyes so many times unprovoked and kept creating stories that were all lies. I wonder if I even know who I’m dating. All of a sudden, I wonder if anything he has ever told me is true. My question is if he could lie so easily to the extent of talking about many scenarios where he almost lost his so-called virginity, then what else has he been lying about? I need your advice because I am really contemplating calling it quits since I can no longer relate with or trust him. Am I overreacting? 

—Lauren

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