I met a man on Facebook. Let’s call him Pepper. He messaged me out of the blue saying, “I stumbled upon your profile and your smile reeled me in.” I was sceptical at first. “What is he looking for?” I asked every time I saw his message alert on my phone. However, the sincerity in the tone of his messages eventually set my mind at ease.

As we continued chatting, I discovered we shared a love for humanity, good food, and great company. Also, he said he was a doctor, while I am a nurse. This gave us a lot to talk about.

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Our conversations flowed effortlessly, and before I knew it, we had been talking for hours every day. We even got closer when we found out we lived in the same city in the northeastern states of Nigeria. We were only ten minutes apart.

After much persuasion, I agreed to go on a date with him. It was magical. He was smart, gentle, responsible, and hardworking: what more could I have asked for in a man?

As the days went by, I became emotionally attached to him. By the time he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was already in love with him. I said yes almost immediately.

Despite his busy schedule, he made time for me.  He treated me in a way that made me feel comfortable and safe with him. It didn’t take long before we started having sleepovers. He was a gentleman in every way. And I loved every bit of his touch.

All the time we spent together, I never suspected him of anything. His phone wouldn’t ring for him to act shady. So even when he left his phone with me I never checked it.

The more I knew him the more I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I found out later that I didn’t know him after all. I only knew what he wanted me to know.

Although he told me about his family and their struggles, I was never introduced to anyone. He said they lived in the south and that he was only in the northeast for work. I never met his friends either. That’s because he said he didn’t have friends, only work colleagues. He was an introvert so I believed him.

The moment he realized I was head over heels in love with him he started reducing communication. He said it was because of his new position as a Medical Director. I understood him at first but it got worse with time.

He would travel for workshops in the north-central region, and disappear for two weeks without responding to my messages. When he returned, he wouldn’t apologize or give any explanations apart from, “I was too busy working.”

I didn’t suspect anything because I had seen him schedule his meetings and bookings in my presence. The workshop was real, or so I thought.

Then it happened again. This time, I withdrew. I started talking to someone new in my DMs. But when Pepper came back, he apologized. Although I forgave him, things were never the same. I no longer felt secure in the relationship. So I continued talking to the new man.

One evening, I went to visit Pepper. He was working on his laptop, and I was on my phone. We were both lost in our own worlds but still enjoying each other’s presence. Then suddenly, he shut his laptop, turned to me and asked, “Who are you cheating on me with?” His voice was stern.

I was taken aback. “No one,” I replied.

“You must confess,” he said, as his expression darkened. “Or you won’t leave this house with your body whole. I will cut off your nipples if you don’t tell me the truth.”

At first, I thought he was joking. I laughed nervously. “Stop playing,” I said.

Oh, but he wasn’t playing.

I tried to stay calm until I heard footsteps outside. That’s when I ran out and called out to the person outside. I begged them to help me get my handbag from Pepper’s room. “He wants to cut me!” I yelled.

The man outside scoffed. “You’re lying. Pepper would never do something like that.”

Pepper then stepped out, laughing. “Relax,” he said. “It was just a prank.”

I knew it wasn’t a prank so I refused to return inside. He pleaded and begged, but I was done. I picked up my bag and left.

After I left, he apologized over and over again. I told him I understood it was a “prank,” but I was traumatized and didn’t want to see or hear from him again.

Truly, I stayed away from him. But after five or six months, I started missing him. I ended up reaching out to him. I asked if I could see him. He said, “Only if you send me nudes first.” When I refused he stopped answering my calls.

Shortly after that, I received a message on WhatsApp from a woman asking about some dresses. I am a fashion designer. Sometimes I sell already made clothes. After I confirmed the woman’s order, she called me.

The first thing she said was, “Hello, I am your boyfriend’s wife.”

My heart stopped, “Who is my boyfriend?”

“Pepper.”

I laughed in disbelief. “What do you mean Pepper has a wife?”

She didn’t laugh. “We’ve been married for five years. We have two boys.”

My head spun. My heart broke. Everything started making sense.

I apologized immediately. I told her I didn’t know. “Pepper never told me. I even asked him once if he had another woman, and he said he only had me.”

She told me she had recently relocated to the northeast for a job, only to discover that her husband had been living a double life for the past five years.

She asked me questions. I answered honestly. She told me she had seen my missed calls on his phone, but when she confronted him, he called me a non-entity and told her not to worry.

I told her about the night he threatened me with scissors. She confronted him, and soon after, Pepper stormed into my DMs.

“Why are you telling my wife all these lies?” he demanded.

I was stunned. “I am the one telling lies? First of all, do you have a wife?”

And then the gaslighting began.

“I don’t have a wife but why would you talk to a third party about us without talking to me first?” he accused. “You’re a pathological liar. Everything you said is false.”

After his message, his wife also messaged me again. She said Pepper denied everything I told her about our relationship. I said she was free to believe whomever she wanted. After all, he was her husband, not mine.

I didn’t want to escalate things, but his persistence in calling me a liar left me no choice. I sent her every single piece of evidence I had. She read it all and simply responded, “Thank you.”

I never heard from her again. But Pepper came back—not to apologize for his deception, but to call me names.

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“You’re a homewrecker,” he spat. “You’re now a key witness in my divorce case. Expect a court summons later this year.”

I laughed. A witness in his divorce case? If that’s true then I’d gladly show up.

He said I ruined his life. I told him he ruined it himself.

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I didn’t block him. I didn’t block his wife. I simply deleted them from my life.

In the end, I feel sorry for his wife and children. But as for Pepper—I wish him all the peppers in his rectum, olfactory organ, and oculus.

This was an experience that left me saying ‘Fear Men,’ for days. Next time I will dig deeply before I give my heart away to any man.

—Tomi

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