Derek was the perfect boyfriend. He was very caring and attentive to my needs. He never liked to see me do house chores by myself. Every time he visited me he would ask, “Don’t you have any cooking or cleaning to do? Let me help you with it before I leave.” And we would cook and clean together. That was exactly the kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who understands that house chores are not a gender role. So it was easy for me to envision the rest of my life with him.

During one of our conversations, he talked about his uncle and his wife. He said they lived in their family house after they got married. Their family maltreated this uncle’s wife until she got the opportunity to travel abroad. So imagine my displeasure when Derek told me right before we got married that we would be living in their family house. I strongly objected to his suggestion but he pleaded with me, “I just want us to live there for at most two years. I want to use that time to put myself together. That way when we move, we won’t ever go back.” Eventually, I agreed to live there with him. After all, everyone has to start life from somewhere.

I don’t know if it was marriage itself or the fact that we lived in his family’s house that turned my husband into a narcissist. He projected this narcissism in the form of an alpha male. He became bossy and obnoxious. He wouldn’t lift a finger to help me with house chores. Even when I am sick or pregnant, I have to make sure our single room is spotlessly clean and there is food on the table. We live in that single room with our child, and every time I get home from work, I meet him and the child sitting in a lot of mess. He could clean up but he would rather wait for me to get home and clean and cook dinner.

My HB is naturally low so I am usually anaemic. This means that I get tired easily. So sometimes I outsource some of the chores, laundry, for example. There are days it feels physically impossible for me to do anything at all. My husband knows about this condition of mine. I remember how he would come to my house when we were dating, and do everything for me that I am unable to do. But now he behaves as if my condition is non-existent since we got married.

If I get too tired to get anything done, he would take pictures and send them to his family when we get into arguments. Sometimes he sent the photos to my family as well. There were times when this man would invite his family into our room and show them things. “Look, she didn’t make the bed today. What kind of woman doesn’t make her matrimonial bed?” His family are staunch Christians and very traditional so they don’t take it lightly when they see and hear these things. They judge me and make me feel less of a woman.

As a woman, I am expected to get pregnant and bear him children and do house chores even when I am sick, yet when it comes to financial responsibilities we split it. How is that fair? If we are going by traditional gender roles then he shouldn’t expect me to support the home financially. He should be the alpha male and take care of everything himself. All he does is talk big and spread stories about me.

If I tell him something in confidence, everyone would hear about it. Even conversations regarding our sex lives, he would tell people. His intention is to let his people know that I am not as quiet as I look. Meanwhile, he is the only man I have been with. All the things I told him about my family, his family now know. I’ve been terribly embarrassed and disgraced because of this. Once, I considered ending my life. I keep to myself most of the time because Derek already feeds me to the dogs. I don’t want to go out and get myself into more trouble.

READ ALSO: Till Death, No. Till Sickness Do Us Part

My decisions for our child are mostly ignored by them. What my mother-in-law says is what goes. Even the clothes she wears must suit her taste, but none of them has ever bought clothes or given me money to buy clothes for my kid. I can’t even be a mother to my own child? Derek was right when he said I am not as quiet as I look. However, out of respect for his family, I act like a lamb. Sometimes I even pretend not to hear some of the insults they throw at me.

There are times I want to put them in their place when they interfere in our marriage but I think about a few things and hold myself back. For example, when Derek gets home early from work he would call me that he is hungry. I would tell him, “There is food in the fridge, all you have to do is put it in the microwave. I will be home soon.” Now, his family is asking why I got married if my husband has to see to his own food. They tell me to be grateful that I have gotten a man to marry me. “Banyin zi, wo y3 nu dei, wo y3 nu dei (You have to do this and do that for your man). Did your mother not teach you how to behave toward your husband?” In situations like this, I am tempted to give them a piece of my mind, but I just breathe and ignore them.

We had an argument recently about money. He asked me to pay school fees. I told him I already do enough, so I won’t add school fees to it. So he threatened me, “I will take our child from you and give her to my mother.” “If you try that we will end up in court,” I responded. He went to report me to his family and they said I am disrespectful. His mother called and said all sorts of nasty things to me. That was the last straw for me. I have held on for so long but now I am tired. I have given up on the marriage.

I Caught Him With Another Girl But He Says It’s A Prank | Beads Media

Our communication is broken, and trust is lost. It doesn’t feel like we were ever in love. Living with him feels like living with the enemy. I travelled and came back to see my clothes and our child’s clothes in a small bedroom. He says he wants his space. So I have decided to give him as much space by leaving the marriage with my child. I’m grateful that my parents support my decision. I am also glad that I have some savings to rely on. I’m ready to say goodbye to a love that once was everything to me. I don’t want to continue living in his shadows. I want my sanity and peace of mind back. His family can continue where I’ve ended.

–Jane

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG.

#SB