I Spent My Wedding Night Alone But That’s Not The Problem

So I read Grace’s story with a smile on my face. This is not because I was happy that she was going through all that trouble to break her virginity. No. It’s because I understand her pain and frustration. Almost everything she wrote about, resonated with me.

Last month marked the seventh month of my marriage. I too got married as a virgin. Apart from religious reasons, I have never been one to have sexual desires. When people talked about the strong needs they had to satisfy, I didn’t feel it. This helped me to honour my vow of celibacy to God. I never allowed intimate touches, kissing, or any situation that would lead me to sex. When I met my husband, I declared my stand and he accepted it.

In the course of our relationship, he tried to initiate something but I never agreed. So he just allowed me to be until we finally got married. On our wedding night, I had something special planned. I booked us a honeymoon suite so we could have some quiet and privacy to explore each other through the night. Unfortunately, my husband had other plans. He told me, “I can’t stay here tonight. There are visitors in the house waiting for me. I can’t leave them alone.”

I could have gone home with him but I didn’t want to deal with the crowd at the house that night. Besides, the room cost $200. This is one month’s salary. I couldn’t get a refund so I chose to stay and get my money’s worth. That’s how I spent my wedding night alone. I felt he left me there as punishment for all the shuperu I denied him when we were dating. But I got my night of rest and privacy so I didn’t complain.

I thought after the wedding night, we would finally get my virginity out of the way and enjoy intimacy the way a husband and wife should. However, we couldn’t do it. It’s not as if we haven’t tried. Lord knows we’ve tried everything. But it seems the walls of my vagina are impenetrable.

I have gone online and researched how to break through a hymen. I have spoken to friends who are experienced in the field of shuperu. And they gave me suggestions and recommendations. I bought different kinds of lubricants that are supposed to make things easier but he still couldn’t enter. Someone said it’s easier if it’s done in doggy style so we tried it. That one too didn’t work. We used our fingers to try and open me up, but when we tried his thing it didn’t go.

I have dildos and even olive oil, but we didn’t achieve the desired results. I started doing some exercises, mostly squats and cycling, but my hymen is still intact. I took an aphrodisiac to heighten my libido so that nothing would stop me from going all the way, but he still couldn’t go through it. In Grace’s story, people advised her to drink wine. I tried it but it didn’t work for me. Not even sleep medication worked. I remember telling my husband, “Just drug me so that I will fall asleep, and then you can do it.” He shook his head, “I will do no such thing.”

We went to the hospital, and the doctor tried manual dilation. That one too didn’t work. This whole thing has become a daily prayer point in the house. I don’t know if it’s because he is too big or I truly am impenetrable.

Right now, we just enjoy what we can. There have been times when he mistakenly slips it into the back door. This gives me a sharp pain and leaves me bruised for days. I hate it. At a point, he suggested that I allow him to just use that place while we find a way to break the hymen, but that’s a big NO for me.

I read some comments saying she should just close her eyes, hold her breath and take the pain. People have said this to me as well. And I have done it. I swear I have. But my husband says, “The harder I push, the tighter it gets. It feels like something is blocking me.” I’m scared I will get a tear. He is also scared of hurting me even though I’ve told him not to mind me, but just go ahead and break through.

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The problem now is, he has stopped trying. He focuses his efforts on doing it between my breasts and does it between my thighs as well. I’ve also gotten used to it being that way. What’s worse is, I’ve lost whatever appetite I had for intimacy. My mom who is a gynaecologist, alongside other counselors we’ve asked for help and guidance constantly check up on us. They would ask, “How far? Have you done it yet?” We would answer, “No, it hasn’t happened.” I can tell that they are tired of asking.

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The other day I saw a couple on YouTube who said they were virgins up until one year after their wedding. The woman was diagnosed with vaginismus. So I guess I still have hope that it will eventually happen.

This is why I smiled when I read Grace’s story. It’s the same reason I am smiling as I write this. It’s calming to know that I’m not the only one who is experiencing this. There are others like me out there. I am just afraid that my biological clock is ticking. I am thirty-five so I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

—Andee