My first relationship happened when I was nineteen years old. I loved the guy until my heart felt like it would burst, but I couldn’t give him intimacy. I would go to his house, and the moment he touched me, I would begin to shout. He would angrily drive me out of his house and tell me not to come back again.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO RECEIVE ALL STORIES IN YOUR INBOX

He told me it was over because he couldn’t date a girl who wouldn’t give him intimacy. I begged him not to leave me because I was going to grow up someday and give him intimacy. To make it hurt even more, he started dating a classmate of mine. I would go to his house and meet this classmate there, and we would fight. We would come to school, and we would fight again. One day, a friend reported us to our class teacher, and this same class teacher told my parents I was fighting over a boy.

My dad beat me that day and called me a disgrace. My mom was so sure I’d slept with the boy that she mashed ginger and pushed it into my womanhood. I’d never known pain like that. I cried. I swore to my mom I’d never done such a thing, but the love my mom had for me dropped to zero. To prove to her that I was innocent, I swore never to date or give any man a chance in my life.

I got to the university as a virgin. At Level 300, I started dating again, but with a caveat: intimacy would never happen until marriage. Guys loved me until I told them sex wasn’t on the menu. I lost every relationship I entered until I accepted that there was no man on earth who would love me without getting a piece of me. A friend told me, “Unless you marry a pastor, ooo. No man in our generation would accept to date you without intimacy.”

Right after my national service, a young pastor in our church proposed to me. I was still on the agenda of impressing my mom, so I told her about the proposal. That day, she sat me down, and for the first time she told me she was proud of me after I’d been able to convince her I was still green. She told me, “You’re a woman now, and he’s a pastor. I believe he would understand and wait until marriage.”

I accepted the pastor’s proposal and told him I was a virgin and would only allow intimacy after marriage. He held my hand and praised God for giving him a good thing. In his prayers, he told God, “I knew you’d never give me a bad thing. Look at the maiden you brought into my life, pure and innocent.”

Just two months into the relationship, we were at his place praying after we had fasted all day when he lifted my skirt and started forcing himself on me. I was shocked at the swift switch from prayers to sinning. I fought him. I said God was watching us. I reminded him of the promise he had made to me. I still believe that guy didn’t fast. He had a strength I couldn’t withstand. He was successful. He stole my innocence and told me God had asked him to do it to test if it was true that I was still green.

I cried for days but couldn’t tell anyone about it. I felt dirty. I even felt guilty for tempting him to sleep with me. I prayed, but God said nothing. I still dated him, though I never healed. I felt my pride had been stolen, and there was no point moving on to another man. I stayed with him but kept my distance until, a year later, he said we should get married.

I agreed because why not? We got married and started living together as a couple, but since we got married seven months ago, I haven’t allowed him to get close to me sexually. I get scared whenever he tries. I see flashes of the last time it happened, and I fight against him with all my strength. Every time he tries, my hatred for him grows stronger. As I write this, I hate my husband so much that I’ve had dark thoughts of ending his life while he sleeps.

I woke up one dawn and watched him sleeping after he had made advances toward me all night, and I couldn’t sleep. I thought to myself, “What if I make sure he doesn’t wake up again? If he dies in his sleep, will this pain I’m going through go away?”

That isn’t the only time I’ve had such thoughts. He prays loudly at night, asking God to open me up for him. He prepares sermons against me and delivers them in church while looking in my direction. I pray and ask God for direction, for forgiveness, and for how to make this marriage work. There is a calm that comes into my heart when I pray, but the moment my husband makes an attempt, I turn into a lion that has lost its cub.

I Called My Girlfriend And Another Man Answered The Phone

Is this pain ever going to go away? Am I ever going to be whole again? Is this marriage ever going to work with this statue of our past standing tall between us? I’m scared to lose the marriage, but I can’t bring myself to forgive my husband. I’ve prayed. I’ve fasted. But all I see when I pray is the day he stole my innocence. Where do I go from here?

—Francisca

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

******