I’m in a dilemma that’s eating me alive and let me state already: I admit it that my actions were wrong. Shameful, even. And now, I’m confused about what steps to take next.

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I’m a married man. I live with my wife and a young woman who is related to her. She came to live with us after completing school, mainly to help around the house since both my wife and I are extremely busy people. If you see her, you’d probably see things from my point of view, she’s so good looking . Over time, I started developing feelings for her and I went ahead to act on them because you know love without action is often described by these Gen Z’s as meaningless, or “talk without do” or simply just a feeling so I acted on them.

I made sure to make her feel safe and made secret plans for her I never discussed with my wife. Her academic results weren’t great, and as a man in love, I decided I’d go all out to help her secure a stable future. I genuinely wanted the best for her because I really like her. Somehow, my wife discovered the affair because she had been snooping and found everything. She confronted us. We denied it at first, but the truth has a way of resurfacing. Things escalated again, and this time, my wife threatened to leave the marriage. We got our families involved, and my parents, in particular, were deeply disappointed. They gave me the scolding of a lifetime. Things calmed down a bit after that, we returned home and I made separate promises to both my wife and the house help because, truthfully, as selfish as it sounds, I am still emotionally tied to both of them.

Now here’s the issue: the house help has a new ‘guy’ in her life and of course, it has shattered me. I have plans for her and dream of helping her become someone. Now I’m stuck wondering should I just let her go and forget everything, or should I fight for the chance to help her reach those goals? She says she still loves me. She knows how much I care. And maybe she sees that I’m in a position to support her journey. But it’s not the same anymore. She’s distant. Always on the phone with this new guy. I feel ignored and replaced.

I’m torn, confused, and ashamed. I know I’ve been selfish. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to be free from this emotional tug-of-war, but I don’t know how.

—Kobby

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