“Shhh, don’t tell anyone about this.” He whispered as I looked at the blood stains on his sheets. My eyes were heavy with tears but I was too afraid of him to cry. He saw the pain etched on my face and whispered, “It’s okay. Next time it won’t hurt this bad. You will get used to it, just wait.” The thought that there would be a next time made all the tears I was holding fall down my cheeks. I didn’t even notice when I started to wail. My crying made him angry and he put his hand on my mouth and said, “I told you not to cry. Do you want people to find out what we did? Because if anyone knows, you will die. Do you want to die?” I shook my head in response. He then said, “So don’t cry, and don’t tell anyone.” And that was how I swallowed my protests and my tears.

Let me take you back to the beginning. My parents split up when I was very young. And my father was the one who got to keep me. However, he is a man. He didn’t know anything about taking care of a child, let alone a little girl. But he tried his best. It was just the two of us living life as it came. He treated me like his little princess, and everyone in his life knew just how much he adored me. There was nothing I asked for that I didn’t get. That’s just how happy we both were. Then along the line, my father became happier than usual. There was a light in his eyes that wasn’t there before. His laughter became heartier than usual.

I was very young but I noticed all these changes. And it made me curious but I couldn’t have asked him “Daddy why are you so happy these days?” so I kept quiet. Then one day my dad took me to a friend’s place. This friend of his was new to me, and she is a woman. Her name is aunty Dotty. She had a sweet smile and a warmth about her that reminded me of my mother. For this reason, I easily warmed up to her. My dad told me, I am going to marry aunty Dotty very soon and she will be your new mum.” I didn’t get angry or throw tantrums when he said that. I rather became happy.

As time went on, we spent a lot of time with aunty Dotty. She was either at our place, or we were at her place. It got to a time she asked me, “Will you like to live with me?” I smiled and said yes. Later when my dad came to pick me up, the two of them had a deep conversation. I didn’t hear what they said, but I knew it was about me. After we got home my dad asked if I truly wanted to go and live with aunty Dotty, and I said yes. I love my dad but we didn’t have much in common. Aunty Dotty on the other hand was a girl like me so she bought me the kind of clothes I liked and we had girl talks. I explained this to my dad and he understood. Plans were put into motion, and within a month, I had moved in with my father’s fiancée.

She lived with her family, and they all took good care of me. They gave me everything I asked for. I never felt like I didn’t belong with them. Everyone was just so kind to me, especially aunty Dotty’s younger brother. He was always extra kind. He bought me toffees, ice cream, chocolates, and biscuits. Because of this, I came to trust and adore him. One day I was left in his care while everyone had gone out. That was the day he took me to his room and forced himself on me. All I remember was the pain, the blood, and the threats of death. I wasn’t even a teenager yet. My body had not developed. I didn’t have breasts to entice him, or curves or anything that spelt, “woman”. I was just a girl who wore too much pink and ate probably too many chocolates. So I look back now and wonder what he saw in me that made him decide to use me as his sex toy.

I wish I could say that it happened that one time. Oh, I wish I could say that I reported him that day. But I was too afraid of him to say anything. I only told aunty Dotty that I didn’t want to live with her anymore. When she asked why I couldn’t tell her the reason. I was afraid that I would die. So I just said, “Nothing. I just want to go home to daddy.” She became sad and thought I didn’t like her anymore. When we told my dad about my decision he didn’t take me seriously. He thought that I was just homesick. He told me that soon, I will get used to the new environment. So that’s what I did. I got used to everything. At a point, I even stopped fighting aunty Dotty’s brother. I let him do whatever he wanted whenever it pleased him.

READ MORE: My Mother Is Turning Me In To A Gold Digger

The defilement of my body continued for three years. Even with that, it was a sickness that saved me. I got sick and I was taken to the hospital. The doctors run some tests and whatever they saw revealed to them that I had been sleeping with someone. Aunty Dotty was shocked. She asked me to tell her who it was but I was afraid so I didn’t want to speak. She asked me, “What did the person say will happen to you if you speak?” I told her I would die. She shook her head at me, “You won’t die, he lied to you. So tell me who it is.” When I mentioned her brother’s name, she started crying. She kept mumbling about how she didn’t know that something like that was happening under her roof.

When I was discharged from the hospital I didn’t go back to aunty Dotty’s house. My dad took me home. He was angry at himself for not listening to me. The police were alerted and aunty Dotty’s brother was locked up. My father’s relationship with his fiancée ended and we stopped communicating with her and her family. My dad and I lived our lives alone, just the two of us. I tried to put the past behind me and move on but that’s the thing about trauma. It never leaves you alone. I thought I had gotten over what happened with him. I was even living a normal life until five years ago when I started having strong feelings of love for him. I tried to ignore the feelings but they keep getting stronger with time. Just this year I couldn’t contain these feelings any longer. So I went around looking for his number. When I found it I called him.

What Do You Look For In A Partner You Want To Settle With?–Beads Media

He told me about his life. He is currently married with a kid. Sometimes he sends me money. I am sure that’s his way of apologizing for what he did to me, but I don’t care about any of it. I just want to understand why, instead of being angry at him, I rather feel a strong love for him. This feeling is driving me crazy. I don’t know who to talk to about it. I have a boyfriend but I can’t talk to him about it either. I’m not sure he will be happy to know that I am having feelings for my abuser. Please I need help.

— Favour

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