When I met him, he said he was getting divorced. “For now I am legally separated but the divorce process is almost done. The only thing delaying it is my low finances,” he explained.

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He also said his money problems made it difficult for him to relocate. He still lived with his wife and two kids despite their separation. I believed his story. I even empathised with him.

As we spent more time talking and getting to know each other, I started liking him. I saw him as a good man who was struggling to get back on his feet after his marriage fell apart. I wanted to be there for him.

Despite my feelings for him, I hesitated when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I had a rule that I would only date someone if I was sure I was going to marry them. Here lies the case where I was in love with a man who was still married.

He understood my reservations, and he assured me it wouldn’t be a problem.

“Just give me a few months. I will get some money and finalise the divorce process.”

Eventually, I gave in and we started dating. Things were great but I was constantly waiting for him to tell me he was finally done with his marriage. It never happened. Days and Months passed, but no updates.

Sometimes when we’re just chilling, I would ask him, “What’s the latest in your marriage? His answers always remained the same, “I am officially and legally separated but still married.”

I felt waves of disappointment every time he gave me this answer. Most of the feelings were directed at myself. How did I keep myself all these years only to give it away to a man who was stalling his divorce proceedings? My whole life, I had never dated or gotten intimate with anyone until him.

Two years into the relationship and he was still separated. At that point, I sat him down and told him, “I’m not forcing you to marry me, but I can not date you any longer while you’re still married. It makes me look like a side chick, and I didn’t sign up for this kind of cheap love.”

Apart from the whole separation thing, I found messages on his phone that didn’t make me happy. He was busy commenting on his female friends’ photos with words like, “Gorgeous,” and “Stunning.” I found it inappropriate that he would say these things to people he was not intimate with. Some were even married.

When I confronted him he said, “That’s how millennials relate with each other. There’s nothing wrong with it. You are the one reading too much meaning into it. Stop being insecure.”

Anyway, I left. He’s now making it look like I left him when he needed me the most. He has moved to his friend’s apartment and says he is lonely over there. I told him to call his wife to keep him company.

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He is upset. Everything he is doing makes him look like the victim in this situation, and paints me as one of these Nigerian women who leave their men when times get tough. This is the same guy who frequently told me that his friend advised him against marrying a Nigerian woman. So why is he all of a sudden upset that his Nigerian girlfriend left him?

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I don’t regret walking away. I am just feeling guilty that I dated a married man. In my spirit, I continually apologise to his to-be ex-wife for having an affair with her husband. They were married traditionally, legally, and also in church. I am wondering, would there be legal consequences if she found out she was involved with me before their divorce got finalised?

In all of this, I apologise to myself for letting my guard down. I shouldn’t have given what I saved for my husband to another woman’s husband. I hope God Almighty also forgives me for sinning against him.

—Chima

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