The first challenge we faced in our marriage had to do with the way my wife treated my first son. I had my son before we got married. So I knew it would take some time before my wife and son both start getting along as a mother and her son should. However, it took longer than expected for that to happen. We even had our own kids before my wife finally accepted my son as her own.

Just after we overcame that hurdle, another one came our way. This particular trouble was in the body of my ex-girlfriend. I don’t know how it happened but she seduced me. My ex, I mean. As if that was not enough, she sent pictorial evidence of our affair to my wife. As expected, she was livid. It almost cost me my marriage but I apologized until she forgave me.

I promised her that it wouldn’t happen again, and I have kept that promise with every fibre of my being. It took a lot of work and effort to get the marriage back on track but I was dedicated to making it work so we did it. I felt the time of having challenges was behind us after we succeeded in restoring peace in our home.

I was so happy that I told my wife, “Now that we are in a good place, we will take our marriage to the next level. We will enjoy everything there is to enjoy in marriage. You will be happy, you will see.” She just smiled at me sweetly in agreement. I didn’t suspect that she was doing anything she was not supposed to do.

One day I decided to go through her phone out of boredom. I wasn’t looking for anything. I was just passing time. A strong wind blew and accidentally pushed me into her WhatsApp messenger. The first message I opened was between her and a married man. Everything I saw in the chat showed that they were having an affair.

Although I was completely heartbroken, I didn’t confront her immediately. I monitored their chats for a while before I brought it up. She looked at my face and told me, “There is nothing going on between us. We are just friends.” I was angry when she lied but I reminded myself that I am not a saint. I too have had my moments of weakness. So if this is her time, I should be supportive.

I told her, “I know you are having an affair. I am hurt but I forgive you. Put an end to it and let’s continue rebuilding our marriage.” She agreed with me. She said, “You are right. The kind of conversations I have with him are not good. I will stop.” For some reason, I believed her.

Not knowing she asked the man to change his number, and they started chatting on that number. She said worse things to him than she did in their previous chats. One of her messages read, “I don’t let my husband touch me anymore because I love you more than I love him.” When I saw that message I reported her to her elder brother. He called her and talked to her.

When she realized I was monitoring her chats, she changed her password. Her excuse was that I was invading her privacy.

I engaged a pastor to counsel both of us. I didn’t want to involve our church because of the disgrace that would accompany our family if behaviour came to light.

The issue is when we talk to her to stop the affair, she would agree to do it. But then she would turn around and devise a new method to continue talking to and seeing the man.

I had a private investigator follow her around for a while and he reported that she still sees the man. So I involved her family officially. That was in October last year. My wife got angry with me when her family called to address the issue. “Why did you have to go and disgrace me in front of our families?” She yelled. Her mother promised to set up a meeting but up to now, it hasn’t happened.

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I put a tracker in her car and realized she was still driving to go and see him under various excuses. “I am going to the saloon,” she would say. Sometimes she would use work. Other times too she would use the market as an excuse to go and meet her lover.

Just when I was considering my next step, I got nominated to travel outside to do a fully funded course for a year and a half in China. Not taking that offer will mean losing my job so I am presently in China. It is not easy being here knowing what she is probably doing in my absence.

Due to this, I decided to opt for divorce but I am so confused as to whether that’s the best thing to do. Divorce is the last thing I want. I am a product of a broken family and I know the effects it has on children. That’s what I don’t want my kids to experience that. My wife doesn’t understand this. She rather gets angry when I confront her about her affair.

I wanted to call for a separation instead but I am not sure about that either. If we are separated, she will still continue to make a fool out of me seeing as I will have to continue to take care of her while she gets the freedom to continue what she is doing as well as parade herself as a married woman. What do I do? Our marriage is eight years old. And our kids are twelve, six, and three.

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—Louise   

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