I am pretty. That’s the first thing people say to me when they want to compliment me. I have learned to accept it. People stop and stare sometimes when I walk. I don’t let it get to my head. In fact, I don’t like the attention. I am a very shy person so I usually like to stay invisible.
Even when I am in a relationship, I feel shy and extremely uncomfortable when my partner looks at my face. So I’m not the type of girl you will hold hands with and stare into each other’s eyes. I like it when my partner touches me but I get squeamish when they do.
If you touch my hand, I would shriek and slap your hand off. Then I would come to my senses and feel mortified for what I have done, and apologize till I’m forgiven. However, if you touch me again, I will still shriek and slap your hands off me. Believe me, it’s not something I do on purpose. It’s just a reaction I get when someone touches me.
That’s why at my age, I have not had my first kiss yet. I am twenty-two. I will be twenty-three in about two months time. Yet I can’t tolerate the touch of a man. This is the reason I am still a virgin. But when people ask, I tell them that I made a covenant with God.
So while most people think I am staying chaste for religious or moral reasons, it’s simply because it just doesn’t take me much to stay away from sex.
I have already been in two failed relationships. Before I agreed to any of their relationships I told them, “I don’t want to engage in shuperu until we are married.” They each agreed to it. Nonetheless, they expected me to allow a few liberties like cuddles, kisses, and other inappropriate touches.
That was the beginning of the problem. When Kofi started making advances at me, I screamed at all his attempts and sprang free from his hold. “Be patient with me,” I told him, “I will do it when I am ready.” He was patient. Or at least he tried. But when he realized that I was too sensitive to touch, he told me, “I am sorry but I can’t do this anymore.”
I was hurt. I was heartbroken, especially when I realized that he left because he thought I didn’t love him. That was the only way he could make sense of my inability to tolerate his touch. I let it go. I didn’t push too hard to keep him.
Then came Kwame. He also agreed to wait till marriage but he expected to do other things that were not necessarily shuperu. However, he couldn’t even get a kiss. “Why are you doing this to me?” He would ask, “Don’t you love me?” I’d tell him that I loved him but something wasn’t right with me.
He couldn’t even hold my waste or casually throw his arms around my shoulder. We couldn’t hold hands. If he made a mistake and tried any of these, I would shriek on impulse. The way it happens, it gives the impression that I loathed his touch. Meanwhile, I yearned for him to touch me. It was my body that was acting up. He also got tired of waiting and walked away.
Because of this, men always think I am playing games with them. Me, what relationship games do I know? All I want is to have a healthy relationship like a normal person. I don’t want to be the pretty girl men can date but can’t touch, let alone hug.
Am I normal? Or this is all part of the shyness? First, I feel uncomfortable when they stare at my face. Then I desire their touch yet when they touch me, I react violently instinctively. A girlfriend you can’t do public display of affection with, is that one too a girlfriend?
He Says He Can’t Date Me Because I’m Too Beautiful
I want to overcome this problem. That’s why I’m here. Some people will probably say that this is not an issue. Well, it’s important to me that I touch, hug, hold, and kiss the people I love but I can’t do that without freaking everyone out. So I need help.
What can I do to overcome this problem? I am worried that I will lose another relationship in future because of it. Even if such a thing happens, it shouldn’t be because I can’t tolerate physical touch. So help me out. How can I be less sensitive to touch?
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—Jane
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I usually have a lot of things to say but this one, I wish i could sit with you and ask you lots of questions. Your reactions are completely Valid. But just be patient with yo body. Shall be well
The face contact and the PDA is like you are describing me. How to overcome it is that the moment he touches you etc and you flinch or about to slap the person’s hand count 1,2,3 breath in and use your raised hand to hold the person’s hand and if it’s a kiss just breath in and count 1,2,3 in your head then imagine something beautiful. Practice it little by little. You will definitely get there but if it doesn’t work then therapy it is.
Jane, you certainly have a unique superpower: the girlfriend who can’t be kissed or touched! But don’t worry; you’re not alone in your sensitivity to touch, and there’s hope for a happy and fulfilling love life.
First, it’s essential to understand that everyone has their comfort zones and boundaries. While your level of sensitivity to touch might be on the extreme end, it doesn’t make you any less normal. Your reaction is just a unique aspect of who you are.
To overcome this challenge and feel more comfortable with physical touch, consider the following steps:
Self-awareness: Understanding the root cause of your sensitivity is crucial. It might be related to past experiences, shyness, or other factors. Reflect on your feelings and experiences, and consider talking to a therapist or counselor for deeper insights.
Communication: Open and honest communication is key. When you’re in a relationship, have a candid conversation with your partner about your sensitivity to touch. Explain that it’s not a lack of love or attraction but a personal sensitivity you’d like to work on.
Take it slow: Gradual exposure to physical touch can help desensitize your reactions. Start with small gestures like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling. Over time, you may become more comfortable with these forms of physical contact.
Professional help: Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who specializes in intimacy and relationship issues. They can help you explore the root causes of your sensitivity and provide techniques to overcome it.
Practice self-love: Work on building self-confidence and self-acceptance. When you’re comfortable with yourself, you’ll likely become more at ease with physical touch.
Physical touch exercises: There are relaxation exercises and sensory integration techniques that can help you become less sensitive to touch. A therapist can guide you through these exercises.
Remember, you’re not alone, and you’re capable of building a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Your unique sensitivity is just one facet of the wonderful person you are. With time, patience, and support, you can work through this and enjoy a loving and affectionate relationship. And who knows, maybe someday you’ll proudly declare, “I am the girlfriend you can now kiss!”
I am always here,
-Atieno-
Jane, you are not to blame. I do understand when a beautiful girl is stared at often by random strange men, she develops a phobia about them wanting her body only. Thus, such women will only be comfortable with men who appear oblivious to your physical attributes and appeal and treat you normally like your family members. You need to wait until such a matured man can come your way. I suspect when your boyfriends start to stare at your face with that ‘love’ expression, your revulsion of men due to stares from random strangers is triggered. You have to learn to communicate with your next lover and ask him to treat you as normal as possible. MaameAfua’s suggestion of controlled breathing and counts may help. If not seek professional help as this may be due to past issues of you been touched inappropriately might have caused you to develop the phobia.