I am in a tight corner, and I have no idea how to get out of it.

Here is the situation.

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I live in a neighbourhood where everyone knows everyone. We see each other every day. Just opposite our main gate, there is a house I see every time I step outside. That is where Benedicta lives with her mom and her siblings. We have all heard the story around here. There was no money for school, not even JHS. So instead, she has been bent over a sewing machine, learning the fashion trade for what feels like forever. I see her coming and going, and from the look of things, I think her apprenticeship is almost done.

She is very beautiful. She has stunning dark skin that always stands out, very dark and lovely, you know. We know each other, but I never thought the day would come when she would say what she told me yesterday.

This is what happened.

We were sitting at our friend’s shop when she took my phone to take Snapchat videos because I was going to take my bath. I went, bathed, and came back. We talked for about an hour, and I asked our friend for water. He told me to ask a woman who sells it, but it was late, around 9:30 PM getting to 10 PM. The woman was already asleep, and I did not want to wake her. So I asked my friend if he had any in his fridge.

That is when I found out what was going on. Unbeknownst to me, Benedicta was telling our friend that she loves me, but I do not see it. Why? Because about three months ago, my mom joked that she does not want a ‘born one’ for me as a wife or girlfriend. She said it playfully when Benedicta also playfully told me she loved me.

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Now, Benedicta has a child with a guy I know. I am also close with one of her ex-boyfriends. So yesterday, when she complained to our friend, the one whose shop we sat in front of, that she confessed her love but I ignored her because of the ‘born one’ comment, I had to explain. I told her it was not me who said it; it was my mom.

Her reply hit me hard. She said because I did not defend her when my mother said it, it means I agree with my mom.

I called her today and apologized for not defending her in front of my mother. But that is not my real problem.

My real fear is this. I am scared to give my heart away. Back in SHS, my girlfriend then went and got pregnant with her ex-boyfriend. I loved that girl too much, but my love was not enough to make her stay.

Today, on the phone, I told my fears to Benedicta, and she gave me time to think about it.

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But if I am being brutally honest with myself, I do not think I am ready to fall in love right now. I do not trust myself enough to love her with my whole heart.

She is naturally beautiful and well endowed. She has everything. beauty, ‘nyash’, boobs. She is the kind of girl I dream of having as a girlfriend. But the feeling inside my chest is not there. I do not see myself loving her romantically, and I do not want to play with her feelings. The fact that she has a kid already is not the issue. If I were ready, I would not hesitate for a second.

I know she loves me, and I love her too, but not in that way. I love her as I love myself.

So, my big question is this. How do I tell her I cannot be in a relationship with her, without her thinking it is because she is a born one?

—Kweku

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