My wife and I have been married for almost two years now, and frankly, the last six months have been terrible. The first year had its ups and downs, but we somehow managed to overcome them. Many times we would say, “We won’t do this again,” only to end up sleeping beside each other that same evening and waking up cuddling as though nothing had happened.

But these last six months have been different. I am not even sure how I am surviving them because it feels like I am living beside a fully operational gas refinery.

From our dating days, we were always comfortable around each other. There was no pretending and no forming, just pure honesty, including the occasional harmless fart here and there. It was cute back then, and sometimes we even argued playfully about who was responsible for the terrible smell.

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What is happening now, however, is no longer ordinary. Enyɛ ordinary.

For the past six months, my wife’s farting has graduated from normal human activity to what I can only describe as a live concert of thunder backed by a trumpet ministry. Anytime she releases one, it sounds as though the ancestors have gathered for an emergency meeting. The most shocking part is that it doesn’t end quickly. It just keeps going, and the sound stretches on for what feels like forever.

Sometimes it lasts so long that she herself runs out of breath before the performance is over. She pauses, takes a deep breath like a marathon runner approaching the finish line, and then continues where she left off. I am not exaggerating, nor am I telling lies. I just sit there like a confused spectator, wondering whether I should clap for the endurance or frown because I cannot breathe. The smell hangs in the room and settles inside my nose for so long.

I have gently suggested that she checks her diet, cuts down on certain foods, and maybe even sees a doctor, but nothing has changed. Now my mind has started wandering to places it has no business going. Is this medical? Is it dietary? Or should I start considering spiritual explanations? Is it my family members who have decided to invade my marriage and destroy it, or is it hers? Has some strange curse befallen my wife? Can someone actually place a farting curse on another human being? At this point, I genuinely want to know.

Elders, I need answers. Is this normal? Is it simply because she is now so comfortable with me that she no longer bothers holding it in?

Please help a brother before my living room officially becomes a disaster zone because, honestly, I am getting fed up. If it ever gets to the point where I cannot take it anymore, how do I even tell my family that I am leaving my wife because she farts too much? They will definitely think I have lost my mind. Well, they will, until they spend just one evening in my house and experience what I experience every single day. Only then will they understand that I am not making this up.

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I do not want it to get to that stage because, after all, the gas is probably good for her body if it needs to come out. But what about me? What about the innocent people sitting beside her? You people should please help me wai.

—Franklyn

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