Due to some horrible experiences in my childhood, I am carrying some deep trauma around. This has affected my relationships in the past. Unfortunately, my current one is no exception. In the past year we’ve been together, there have been ups and downs. Sometimes things get really bad. The good thing is that we are both willing to make things work. We talk when we need to, and we compromise when there is a need to. That is what is keeping us going till now.

At the beginning of the relationship, we were intimate. The chemistry was there. We had passion and it consumed us. We did it whenever we were both in the mood. It was all very nice and enjoyable until something switched off inside me. It has to do with an advise I was given when I was a child.

Whenever this man that I love so much tries to touch me, I would recoil. When it first happened I wasn’t surprised. I was told that if a man is not married to you and you give him too much shuperu, he is using you. This advice is deep rooted in my head to the extent that I would dry up unintentionally when it came to intimacy.

However, I was sure that it was just a temporary problem. I told him, “Maybe it is because I am stressed. Give me a few days to clear my head and prepare myself.” He is a patient man. He did not get upset or try to persuade me to get into the mood. He just let me be. He told me, “No need to fret. Take as much time as you need. I will be here when you are ready.”

The next time he came to me and tried to initiate intimacy, I went cold. I told him I was not ready. Again, he did not get upset or try to rush me. He patiently backed away and asked me to take my time. This is now our lives. I am barely in the mood to do it. Now, he also says he has gotten used to us not doing it so it’s not a problem.

Initially, I was worried about him. I didn’t want him to not have his needs met just because I couldn’t get intimate with him. When I discussed this with him he said, “I also don’t feel the urge anymore. That is how it is with men. When we don’t get to do it for a while, we lose the urge. It goes away and doesn’t come back easily. So I am okay.” I want to believe him but that’s not what I have heard other men say.

Is it true that when men don’t get intimate with their partners for a while, their sexual desires go away? If that’s the case then why do men use lack of shuperu as an excuse to cheat on their partners? Is it that it’s different for white men and different for black men? I am asking this question because my man is white. The way he is not threatening to cheat if I don’t give myself to him makes me wonder if it’s because he is from a different race.

Right now we are trying to find a way to make it work. I know he likes it when I go down on him. So as compensation for denying him access to me, I decided to go on my knees and pleasure him. The thing is, I am not good at it. So in the end, I don’t do anything for him.

The other day I suggested, “Why don’t you go to another woman? You will get both arousal and satisfaction from there while I find a solution to my problem.” He shook his head, “There is no way I am touching a woman who is not you. I don’t want to introduce any infidelity into this relationship. Whatever the problem is, we will figure it out together.” Honestly, I am slowly losing interest in everything related to physical contact.

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He says it’s not good, and I agree with him. We are planning to get married. Can you imagine a marriage like this? I don’t want such a marriage either. I want us to get a grip of the situation before we even start the marriage process but I don’t know what to do.

We recently had an argument about this situation. At this point, his patience is thinning out. He asked if he did anything wrong to make me withhold myself from him. I said he didn’t but he insists he must have done something. So in the heat of the moment, I told him, “I am no longer sexually attracted to you because the other day you referred to me as a b**ch.” This hurt him badly. He said he didn’t mean it in an offensive way.

What Would You Do Differently For Them?

For the first time since this problem came up, I am worried that I might lose my man. He is keen on finding a solution to the problem but he also feels I am not making any effort to bring things back to normal between us. How do I rekindle the desire? How do I get him to desire me again? If he is ready to do it and I am also in the mood, I will give it to him once in a while.

He has made it clear to me that he is not with me because of shuperu. I believe it’s true because he has proved it to me over the past few months.

Although we have our differences, he is a good man. I would hate to lose what we have because of these challenges. Please, I need help.

–Bena

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