Growing up, I wasn’t exposed to dating or even close interaction with girls. Although I attended a mixed school from junior high through senior high school, the environment in both schools was deeply religious.

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My closest friends and I were heavily influenced by spirituality. We were the kind of people labeled as “Chrife,” meaning we were averse to the little pleasures of this world. I didn’t mind that label, considering I believed that getting involved with girls could derail my spiritual growth.

Apart from my commitment to the things of God, I was also dedicated to my books. So I excelled academically, especially when it came to mathematics. Girls showered me with lots of attention because of this. Some even boldly expressed romantic interest in me. It scared me, so I distanced myself from them.

That mindset followed me into university. At that stage, I was a little more mature. I didn’t shy away from girls easily. I even had crushes on some of my mates. I was open enough to explore what it all meant, but none of them reciprocated my affection.

Meanwhile, there were girls who liked me. I could tell from their shy smiles and eager gazes that they were interested in me. Nonetheless, nothing came of it because they chose to keep quiet about their feelings. I believe it was possibly because of the way they saw me. I probably seemed too serious to be interested in boyfriend-girlfriend affairs. So I left the university without having a girlfriend.

I did my national service around the time the ban on COVID-19 restrictions was lifted. After everything the world went through, I decided not to sit on the fence and watch life pass me by anymore. I made a conscious decision to explore my sexuality.

My spirituality was still palpable, but I prepared myself mentally and emotionally to break my virginity. I lowered my standards of living a life to please God. Not out of desperation, but out of curiosity.

I wanted to understand intimacy, so I approached the act of lovemaking intellectually. I read extensively about female pleasure. I learned about the G-spot, A-spot, and other spots that stimulate orgasmic response. One book that taught me a lot was The Female Orgasm Black Book.

I also learned techniques for sensual massage and how to help a woman climax. Because of this preparation, even though I was a virgin, I came across as experienced. The person who was my first never suspected I hadn’t done it before.

Before my first time, I met a woman I developed a strong emotional bond with. I was ready to go all out with her, until I found out she was a single mother. I withdrew from her because of that. Even when she offered me her cookie on a silver platter, I didn’t take it.

The second woman I liked, the one who first got a taste of me, also turned out to be a single mother. I didn’t know this until our relationship ended.

After her, almost every woman I have been interested in, or who has been interested in me, is a single mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with single mothers. In fact, I admire their emotional maturity, strength, and depth. The ones I have met have been through a lot and, for that matter, carry a certain groundedness and emotional intelligence.

My only concern is the consistency with which they show up in my life. I ask myself, “Why does this keep happening? Is it because I lowered my standards?”

I keep wondering if there’s a psychological or spiritual reason behind this kind of attraction. Sometimes I even joke that I must be cursed.

Another concern is the educational gap between me and the women I meet. Many of them have limited formal education. Mostly SHS leavers or below. Meanwhile, I have a Master’s degree.

My family expects me to choose a partner who is equally educated and well-rounded. But beyond meeting their expectations, I genuinely crave someone I can connect with on multiple levels: intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. I want a partner I can dream with, plan with, and grow with.

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Right now, I’m financially stable. I’m not rich, but I’m not struggling either. I feel ready to build something lasting. If I had an educated woman pursuing a career and between the ages of 27 and 29, we would have been planning our wedding by now.

Unfortunately, I don’t meet women in that category. The ones in my social circle are either taken or don’t see me as a potential love interest. It’s the single mums with low educational backgrounds who find their way to me.

So I am left with questions. Questions like:

“Why do I keep attracting women who don’t align with what I deeply desire?”

“Why do emotionally available, single, and educated women seem out of reach?”

“Is there something within me, consciously or subconsciously, that I need to work on?”

“Is this a psychological pattern, a spiritual challenge, or both?”

I want to break this cycle. I want to be intentional about love. I’m ready to love deeply and plan a future with someone who aligns with my values. What can I do to achieve this goal?

—Emmanuel 

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