I knew his wife and also knew his kids, but when he proposed to me, I said yes. I was nineteen and in school. I thought we would be able to hide the relationship from everyone, at least until I completed school. It wasn’t for financial reasons. I didn’t lack anything in school; my parents are well-to-do and could cater to my needs.

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I loved him because of the man he was. He was so well put together; I saw perfection in him. He was older but made himself seem so young to appeal to a nineteen-year-old me. When he visited me on campus, we would sit in a cafe. He would buy his favorite coffee and sip it as if he didn’t want it to stain his mouth—gently and carefully. He would sip away and touch my hand without guilt.

He would look into my eyes and say he loved me. That would plunge me into girlish mannerisms I couldn’t stop until he had left. There was kindness in his voice, something I never felt from my dad or any of my siblings. I was the youngest, so they spoke to me as if I didn’t deserve any respect.

The first time was at his house. He said his wife had traveled with the kids, so I could come and visit. I looked at the walls of his house, decorated with love: family portraits, smiling kids, and a family that looked unshakable. He took me to his bedroom. There was a big bed and a large portrait of himself and his wife looking down at it.

I could hear the voices of the portraits on the wall. His wife’s was the loudest. While he kissed me, I couldn’t take my eyes off her image. She wore a beautiful smile, but in my eyes, I saw venom. She was screaming at me with a smiling face, yet I allowed him to go on until I was naked in his bed. While he was taking off his clothes, I got up, grabbed my clothes, and went into the washroom. I came back dressed.

“Why? What happened?” he asked.
“Your wife is watching us. She’s screaming at me.”
“Stop it. It’s just an image, an innocent portrait. It can’t speak.”
“I know, but let’s do it somewhere else.”

It was chaos before peace. He led the way as we walked out. He was going to get us a hotel, but in his car, all I could think about were the photos on the wall and the imaginary screams of his wife. Before we got to the hotel, I told him I wanted to go back to campus because my dad was coming to visit. I thought he would be angry, but he spoke with the same care and gentility that had won me over.

He took me to campus, kissed my neck, and drove away. He sent a message: “I’m sorry if it felt rushed. It won’t happen again.” A man apologizing for my mistake—only him. But that night, I didn’t sleep. The weight of the sins I was committing descended heavily on me. “What’s the point of having a love story you can’t speak about?” I asked myself.

So the next day, I called and told him I didn’t want to do it again. He asked, “Why? We just started.” I answered, “A girl like me can’t have a meaningful relationship with a man like you. It’s beautiful only to us, but the world is waiting on the outside to judge us.”

They’re waiting to break us,
To call us names, especially me.

It was hard for him to accept, especially because he never got the chance to have me. He pressed with words and told me his heart was breaking, but I stood my ground and let it go. I let him go when all I wanted was to be with him. That day, I knew I had the strength to conquer everything if I could let a love like that go.

A year later, I met him together with his wife. His wife came to hug me. She said, “Look at you. You’re a woman now. How are your dad and your mom?”

While I answered her, I saw him looking at me with guilty eyes. I had met him through his wife. His wife is my mother’s friend. I was sent to give something to him to pass on to his wife, and we became friends. He later proposed. I won’t blame it on my age; I was old enough to know better. I will blame it on my heart, which didn’t know what was moral. All it did was feel, and at that moment, it felt something for him.

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Today, I’m grateful I listened to my head and acted the way I did. Even though I am ashamed of how far he led me, I am comforted by the strength I showed. So I tell myself, “After all, I didn’t sleep with him.”

—April

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