I think I married to a man who only wanted the title of husband. He has no desire to be a father, no intention of being a true partner.
For the whole year, I’ve stayed married to him, and even though it’s a long-distance relationship, I’ve smelt pepper. I’ve come to realise that he has no respect for me, no love that can sustain us, and not even the fear of losing me.
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He’s always chatting with this female friend, and sometimes I feel like she gets the version of him I’ve been waiting for. He talks to her morning, afternoon, evening, and even till dawn. The fact that I haven’t fought him over it doesn’t move him. I’m not a troublesome woman, and I’ve spoken to him twice, asking him to be careful and telling him that I’m not comfortable with it. But he shunned me both times, saying they’re just friends and nothing more. That’s why he answers her calls in front of me, because if there was something to hide, he would be hiding to pick up her calls.
I sit and wonder, would this woman be happy to see her own husband being this comfortable with another woman? Or her boyfriend? How would she feel if she were in my shoes? But sometimes, I realise she’s not the one to blame. If the man who swore loyalty and respect to me in front of God and our families is ignoring me, treating me like a second thought, and refusing to honour me, then why blame her? I won’t be part of the cycle that blames the other woman.
And she’s not the only one. There are many more. He flirts with them on Facebook Messenger, chatting and laughing like he has no wife. He tells them he’s single, that there’s no one in his life, and that he’d be happy to have them. He disgraces himself, and you’d think he has no shame.
I came across those messages once when I stumbled on his phone. I confronted him, and he promised to change, but I’m certain he hasn’t. I don’t have proof anymore because now his phone is heavily passworded. Everything on it is locked, and I’m not even allowed to take a picture with it. I don’t want to be bothered by it anymore. I don’t care what he does to himself.
This isn’t the kind of marriage I envisioned for myself. I wanted the “happily ever after.” I didn’t want a nonchalant husband. I wanted a safe space, a man who was mine and mine alone, but from the way things are looking, I’m sharing him with women on Facebook—women who don’t even know I exist.
Now, when he says he’s going out, I wonder what he’s really going to do. Will he bring back an infection? Will he take one of those girls he met on Facebook Messenger out?
I’ve become exactly what I hate: paranoid, jealous, and resentful. And this pregnancy has my emotions all over the place. I’m always crying, always sad. It’s tiring, this constant up and down.
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The fact that the pregnancy is high-risk makes everything worse. He’s aware, but he’s very intentional in his neglect; he doesn’t care if what he is doing might hurt me and affect the child. How are we supposed to work on a marriage when I can’t trust him, and he’s not even willing to try? The long distance makes it even harder. I’ve come to understand that maybe he just doesn’t care, or maybe he’s fallen out of love, or maybe the pregnancy is pushing him further away from me.
So I’ve decided to take care of myself and my unborn child. I have a few months to go. And after I deliver, I’ll start packing my slippers and leaving through the door. I’ll start looking for my way out. I want to be a healthy and happy mother for my child.
—Esther
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