Growing up, I resented males. Boys, men, Grandpa, basically any human that identifies as a male. This is why. My parents didn’t end up together though they were each other’s first and young love. After they had my younger sister, their problems got the better of them and they parted ways.

My dad blamed my mum for everything that went wrong in their relationship. My mum also blamed him for their problems. The elders say when two elephants fight, it is the ground that suffers. My sister and I were the ground that suffered.

Dad felt reluctant to take care of us so he didn’t put in much effort. My mother at a point felt let down and betrayed by him for having to push him soo hard to take care of his own children. So she decided to take care of us by herself and I thank God for that every day.

She didn’t remarry or have any more children just to spite him. Although she did her best, on her bad days she would shout at us at the least mistake. She would scream,” Your father is out there living his best life taking care of women, and going out with friends, but doesn’t care whether or not you have eaten. Yet here you are, making foolish mistakes”. I was very young by then but my young age didn’t shield me from the pain I went through when she always did that.

Sometimes her insults cut very deep. I look back and understand that she displaced my father’s anger on us. Everything she did gave me the impression that males are evil.

In primary school, I had no male friends. I didn’t look their way and didn’t allow anyone to look my way either. They always thought I was rude. Others felt it was because I had no male sibling. Whatever they thought of me, I didn’t care.

My behaviour continued till I got to my final year in SHS. That was when I managed to make a few male friends. Up until then, I didn’t see a problem with the way I related with men. If anything I thought I was doing good to myself. “I’m saving myself from disappointment and heartbreak,” that’s what I believed.

My friends saw me as a hard girl but beneath my icy exterior was a fragile heart yearning to be loved genuinely and fearlessly.

A year after I completed SHS, I gained admission to tertiary school. One of my roommates was supposed to take some items from a guy but her phone was faulty. So she used my phone to call the guy. I told her, “Make sure he knows this is not your number. I don’t want any stranger calling my phone.”

Days after their transaction, the guy called and asked to talk to my friend. I was at the market so I told him, “This isn’t Esi’s phone. When I get home I’ll let her know you called.” He thanked me and hung up.

After a few days, he called again. This time he asked to talk to me. He said he liked how I talked to him and also liked my voice so he would like to know me. I wasn’t interested in that conversation so I made an excuse and hung up.

He called me several times after that but I never answered any of his calls. One day I asked Esi, “What does your friend want from me that he keeps calling me?” She shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe if you answer his calls, you’ll find out”. That’s how I started answering his calls.

One day he asked me to be his girlfriend. The proposal came out of nowhere. This is someone I spoke to once in a while. I turned him down immediately. He spoke to Esi to plead his case, but I was not moved. “How can he ask me to be his girlfriend when he hasn’t set eyes on me before?” I complained.

Esi didn’t give up. She sang his praises until I decided to give him a try. I expected nothing and hoped for the worst.

This guy and I were in a good place until I started receiving some threats via SMS.

“The guy you are dating is not who he says he is.”

“You’ve snatched someone’s boyfriend.”

“If you don’t leave him I will come to your school and kill you.”

This went on for long. Every time I asked the guy about the threats he denied having any other girlfriend. I showed them to Esi and she was as clueless about the sender as I was.

One day the number called and I answered. She explained that she is Kwasi’s ex. She moved in with him in hopes of reawakening their relationship.

However, Kwasi had no interest in getting back together with her. He only used her to satisfy his sexual needs because I said no shuperu until marriage. He felt he could keep her there for that purpose and have me too. She didn’t like that so one day she took my number from his phone and gave it to her friend, who sent me those threats. I thanked her and hung up.

After that, I called Kwasi and ended things with him. I told him I was afraid for my life. He didn’t want to accept the breakup but I stood by my decision. After all, I set out expecting the worst. What’s worse than finding out your boyfriend lives with his ex?

A few days later, I missed his ex’s call so I returned it. When she answered, Kwasi was with her. I heard them arguing but no one spoke into the phone. I shouted, “Madam, I’ve left your boyfriend for you. So stop calling me.” Nobody responded.

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Kwasi called me after I hung up, and accused me of teaming up with his ex to break up our relationship. I also told him, “You are a very wicked person for stringing me along when you know a woman is living with you.”

Later, I heard he sacked the girl but I didn’t care. He said, “Yaa, you should know that love forgives. If you truly love me, you will give me a second chance.” I thought about what he said. And I thought about my parents’ marriage. How many times did my mother forgive my father? How many times did she compromise on her values just to make him happy? None of it helped her. She ended up with an abusive man who left her to take care of two children all by herself.

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I will not repeat my mother’s mistakes. It took me a long time to accept that not all males are descendants of satan. But it doesn’t mean I won’t guard myself from unnecessary drama. If a man in my life does something they know will hurt me, I will have no choice but to cut them off.

That’s what I did to Kwasi. I told him, “Love respects and protects. You put me in harm’s way when you cheated on me with your ex. How can I forgive that?” Wherever he is today, I hope he is not shacking up with an ex while dating someone else.

#MyFirstRelationship

—Yaa

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