I am an Ewe woman and my husband is half Fante and half Asante. We have been married for almost five years now. Just one month after our marriage my husband told me unprovoked, “Do you know that my mother didn’t want me to marry you because of your tribe? I had to try my best to let her understand that you are different before he allowed us to get married.” I was surprised at what he said because there was no day that my mother-in-law made me feel as if she didn’t like me. The only thing that made me believe my husband was, anytime I called her to check up on her she would ask me, “Who is this?” This woman knows how to save numbers but she chose not to save mine, or my parents’. I also noticed that she has never called me since I came into their lives.

A few months after my husband’s confession about his mother, my father–in–law also told me, “My wife said she still doesn’t support your marriage to our son, but don’t let it bother you much. She will come around eventually.” How could he tell me something like this and not expect it to bother me? I don’t know if this woman had a bad encounter with a Ewe woman in the past, or if it was just me she didn’t like. Regardless, I took it upon myself to go the extra mile to please her so she would know that I am a good person. But along the line, I realized that no matter what I did, she wouldn’t like me. So I stopped.

About four months into our marriage I chanced upon evidence that my husband was cheating on me with multiple girls. Among these girls was a particular one he liked best, her name is Christie. From their chats, he told her he wasn’t married. And it turned out he was even dating her before I came into the picture. Why he married me instead of her, I don’t know. We dated for two years, and not even once did I suspect he was involved with other women. That’s because he had a secret phone that he used to communicate with his side chicks. I confronted him when I found out about the secret phone and his girlfriends. That day he begged, cried, and promised to put a stop to it. I believed him and gave him another chance.

I saw a complete turnaround in his behaviour after the confrontation. But six months later, I discovered he was cheating all over again. This time around, it was with a different set of girls. However, Christie was still in the picture. He was in weekend school at the time. He would leave home for school on Fridays and return on Sundays. I found out that he would go to Christie’s place after lectures on Sundays, and spend the rest of the day with her before coming home. He was talking about marriage with her. He also took her and her friends out to eateries. What shocked me was, he even accompanied this girl to go and see her pastor to talk about marriage.

While all this was ongoing, Christie didn’t know he was married. However, there was a point in their chats when she was asking about me. She asked why I always call him, and he replied, “She is just a random woman who is pestering me for a relationship.” A few weeks later, she reached out to me. She found out he was married and wanted to confirm if I was his wife. When I said yes she said; “I will teach this man a lesson he will never forget.” I don’t know what she meant but I got scared for him and begged her to forgive him.

That aside, he was also seriously trying to impress one schoolgirl he was dating. As for the school girl, she knew he was married but he told her we were living apart and that I only come to visit him once a month (which was a lie). He had a key to this girl’s apartment. He goes there anytime he pleases and oh, my husband was begging her to let him clean her room for her. This shocked the living life out of me because asking my husband to assist me to even cook rice when I am sick is a taboo in my home. Meanwhile, this man was so perfect when we were dating. I could never have imagined him doing any of these horrible things.

Two years into our marriage, I got pregnant but then all the tests we ran came out negative, until one fateful day when I started bleeding badly, and upon reaching the hospital we were told it was a miscarriage. That was heart wrecking but life had to go on. Since then, it’s been quite a challenge for me to get pregnant again. I have done all the checkups there is to be done. I tried herbal hospitals too but to no avail. They all said I am fine, and that there is no cause for concern. But recently, I have been having irregular menstrual problems where I could bleed heavily and that always resulted in me running low on blood. I saw a specialist about it but he also said that I am fine.

My husband’s friend’s wife who is a nurse happens to work at the same hospital I go to for my health care needs. So anytime I am not well, my husband calls her for assistance. With everything going on in my marriage, she was the only one I could confide in. But I don’t tell her about his cheating habits. For the same reason, I don’t tell anyone else about it. I don’t want them to lose the respect they have for him. Anyway, this nurse friend of mine and everyone else in our lives believe that my husband adores me. They talk about how he would do anything for me, and how lucky I am to have him. That’s all because of the way he treats me when we are in public. On my birthdays he would organize a party for me and invite all our close friends and families. Then he would fuss over me in front of them, and I also play along just to maintain the image that we are happy together.

To be honest, he started throwing parties for me because on my first birthday as a married lady, two of my friends gifted me a car. My husband felt insecure about it so I had to decline the car gift. Then after that, he started acting as if he was in competition with my friends. Meanwhile, when we are behind closed doors he is nothing pleasant. He could switch off our meter when he is angry. He doesn’t allow me to use the wifi at home because he bought it with his money. He changes the TV channel when I’m watching something important to me. He doesn’t tell me when he is travelling or when he is coming back.

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In case you are wondering if he is doing all this because I am financially dependent on him, I am not. The only money I take from him is money to buy foodstuffs for the house. And the amount he gives me is always so small that I end up adding my money to it. Apart from that, I don’t ask him for any money, and he doesn’t give me money either. You would think he is broke, but he is not. He is well-to-do.

The other day he told me, “We have been married for five years now but you haven’t given me a child. So I think it’s time you leave the marriage. When you are gone, I will know what to do next.” I was hurt to hear those words but I answered him, “Okay sure. Let’s work on getting a divorce.”

A few hours after having this discussion, he came back and told me, “I know I proposed a divorce earlier but I have changed my mind. Forget I said anything like that. Let’s try and make the marriage work.” This is something he has done in the past. He would propose a divorce and change his mind after a few hours. So far nothing has changed in the marriage. And I am tired of pretending that we are a happy couple. Dear readers, what do you advise that I do? Please, do not insult me, I am going through a lot right now.

— Ami

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